I let you eat my heart before you even saw my skin.
I had cracked myself open like an oyster, and you pierced my aorta with your canine teeth until bright red blood spurted out,
You bit through my vena cava; you severed all the vessels from around my heart and plucked out your prize.
I gave you too much, too soon, and when you saw my mottled-corpse exterior you turned away from me.
You had already stolen away with my hot, beating core so the blood was pooling and purpling inside me, stagnant.
I wanted to give you my skin for you to eat, too.
I wanted to watch you make white crescents with your nails in my chest,
Tug tenderly, tenderly with your teeth at the plastic of my skin until it unpeeled from the bone.
I wanted you to reach in and unclasp my ribs and look into the dark cavity that you had made,
Whispering love-words in the unhearing cradle of my ear.
I thought, if I offered you the heart of me first, you'd eat the rest for afters.
But you just had a craving for warm heart-flesh, and I was the only girl fool enough to give it to you.
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142,241 Literary Works • 677,072 Reviews
Hey, cyan!! I've read ur beautiful work and personally, i found it to be quite a journey into the depths of vulnerability and unrequited feelings. The very act of giving someone ur heart literally is something that u cannot miss.
The imagery of giving, and being given false promises in return stands out to me in this piece. The line "I thought, if I offered you the heart of me first, you'd eat the rest for afters" is so poignant, because it captures the idea of giving someone ur entire self, in the hopes of reciprocated feelings in such a raw, unfiltered manner.
I also think that the juxtaposition of heart and skin is a clever way of showing how the narrator was willing to give the other person her heart, but wished that they would have taken everything, without asking for permission or being picky about what they took.
One thing that I think could be improved about this piece is giving the last line some breathing room, as it is a very biting conclusion to the piece.
Personally, I think this is a stunning, bone chilling look into the vulnerability and the pain of rejection and misdirected affection that gives the reader many different things to think about. Lovely work!!♡
~lilly♡ the fire dragon
thanks for your review!!! you're so kind : )
Hi Cyan! My name is Jade and I am super excited to review your poem. I love lyrical poetry, so I'm super excited to share my thoughts with you. Let's begin!
This is such a vivid way to begin a poem. It says so much about the setting within the poem and the message being conveyed about how the writer feels. It also does a great job at coaxing readers in, wanting to learn more!
This also says a lot. I like your word-choice and your worldbuilding, as you detail the events through your metaphor. This line, while also being brief, really shows the relationship dynamic between the writer and the person they write to. However, while short, it does a great job at showing a description instead of just being like i was used and abandoned which I love seeing in poetry!
This line does a great job at highlighting the intimacy within the act you're using as a metaphor. It, along with the support of the rest of the stanza, shows that how this is a bonding ritual for the two, and an act a deep trust. It shows the tenderness, and love, and makes the sadness of being discarded all the more vivid through your lines. That, in turn, adds to the betrayal that you made evident from the first line.
I really like the ending too. Your symbolism was tied up very nicely, and I liked this part because it showcases a very personal ending to the disturbing and tragic story you created.
If I had to share any notes, it would simply be stylistic, which I know comes down to each person's individual taste. I would tighten your lines by removing unnecessary words like "had" or "so and any unnecessary and/if/just. I would also make your stanzas smaller, maybe dividing them. I believe that would make the poem more digestible, and understandable. Each word, while great, gets lost when it's overpowered by the stanzas. I'd have the second one start with the line and the third begin with like you had it. I'd have the fourth one begin with the line as it delves into its own imagery unqiuely from the other lines, and is made stronger by the following two lines. Finally, I love the last two lines on its own as a small stanza.
My comments may not be your stylistic taste, so please feel free to disregard them. However, I hope something helped you, and I really loved your poem! I can't wait to read more from you soon.
Jade
thank you so much for your detailed review, Jade! I'll keep the stylistic notes in mind : )
of course =)
Oh my! love the descriptive language in this! Enjoyed reading it, although I have a feeling It may be about someone you cared about hurting you as the underlying meaning, but if not then obviously I read into it too much!! good job though and I hope you write more soon, once again, great description!
You're not reading too much into it! You've caught the message that I was trying to convey in this poem perfectly
) thanks you for your kind comment
okay! good to know, thank you! It is a quality piece of work!