Behind The Screen.

Pills had been a big part of my life for years. Along with razors,knives,honestly anything sharp. My name is June. And I'm addicted to basically anything not good for me. I used to enjoy riding bikes and going for walks, but now id rather sit and rot in my bed while listening to phobe bridgers. I enjoy the feeling of nothing, it is nice and numb, I find it relaxing and like a jump in the cold pool.its like a startle to new people getting to know me. Or when someone tries to help me and I don't take their offer because I love the feeling of sadness. 

Yes sometimes I wonder how'd it feel to be happy and not constantly worry about what I have to do next. Or when I'm going to die or how it's going to happen. My friends have tried to help me. But it feels like a toxic relationship. I don't want to leave this depressive state but it hurts me. I want the attention to know people care but then I feel like an attention seeker. I want people to look at my arms and question if I'm okay. Because am I? Am I okay?

I have issues with my body, people call it body dysmorphia.i hate my body but i still tend to show it off. Why? I don't know I like the attention of knowing other people can enjoy my body. And that it's not as ugly as I think it is. I wear tight shirts to show my curves, but other days I wear long baggy clothes to hide away scars, and the fat rolls lying underneath. My legs are in a nice shape, but they're covered in small dot scars. And my thighs are covered in words I couldn't express at the time. If you ask me now I definitely could explain everything in a descriptive way.

So what's wrong June? Oh you actually wanted me to answer that..Still i cant describe it. It's like a metal knife digging into my sides though. And if I try to talk about it I'll choke up and cry. So when I try to speak about it,that knife moves to my throat and causes excruciating pain.

I guess we’ll never know

               -Ella J Childs.