Better Hell

by inkwell

Published January 28, 2010

In Poetry

Better Hell

-------------------------------------------

Looking up at the Moon,
I say my farewell.
To my knees on the floor,
I fell.

I reached out around me
To find an instrument proper.
There's nothing to use,
'Cept a knife and a chopper.

I slowly grab the former
And hold it before me,
And remember to write,
What the survivors shall see
After I carry this out,
To a tolerable degree.

So I depart from the knife,
And instead choose the pen,
And place it on paper,
And only then,
Do I realize
That no one will read,
Or care to for that matter.
So I leave behind writing,
And begin to get sadder.

My trembling hands
Grasp the knife.
It shines in the moonlight,
In an ill strife,

I must not think long,
For fear I reverse.
So I plunge it deep,
Like I used to rehearse.

Unimaginable pain
Echoing in my stomach.
I'm not dead!
I begin to panic.

Then I go again!
Deeper this round.
This whole time
Not a single sound.

Once again I recoil
In pain from my strike.
Soaked in blood,
My hands and the like.

I decide to go higher,
And aim for my heart.
I strike and I miss!
Why can't I part!

My breath escapes me,
But will drives my motion.
I slit my throat,
In one final notion.

Somehow I live,
And the knife slips free.
Soon it will be over,
I smile with glee.

The lady of the moon
Sheds more and more light.
I see her smiling,
She is full tonight.

Spinning now,
Violently so.
Yet my body is still,
And my thoughts are slow.

I slip away from Hell,
Into a better one.
Although the move would be faster
If I only had a gun.

---------------------------------------------

Note to Reader

I am not suicidal although this poem was written at a time when I very much was. Please do not send me messages of worry or sympathy, it was a long time ago. Thank you. :smt002

Comments & reviews · 3
User avatar
inkwell
Comment
inkwell commented Comment · Jan 29, 2010

Dreamy115 wrote:This was.... interesting.It was sad, creepy, and fairly good. However, take a look at your meter. It's something like:
5,5,6,2,6,8,5,7.....
well, it's not smooth to say the least. Work on this! It shows lots of potential.Also, use periods. Some of your lines need those instead of commas.

--Dreamy


The rhyme scheme was all intentional and was supposed to be dynamic.

The commas I agree need to go! I will edit it. I wrote this poem a long time ago and back then I had a tendency to just put commas on the end of every line. :P

That forced rhyme there actually wasn't intentional but I left it in because I never felt it was too forced. Thanks for bringing it to my attention.

Random avatar
ireylcadence
Review
ireylcadence wrote a review Review · Jan 28, 2010

I love the emotion you conveyed in this. You had me in suspense and I feel it moved along at just the right pace, making it very real. :)

Sometimes the rhyming seems a bit forced, such as

Or care to for that matter,
So I leave behind writing,
And begin to get sadder,
, which makes the poem sound a bit too sing-song.

Otherwise it's great.

ToritheMonster wrote a review Review · Jan 28, 2010

This was.... interesting.It was sad, creepy, and fairly good. However, take a look at your meter. It's something like:
5,5,6,2,6,8,5,7.....
well, it's not smooth to say the least. Work on this! It shows lots of potential.Also, use periods. Some of your lines need those instead of commas.

--Dreamy



Why should Caesar just get to stomp around like a giant while the rest of us try not to get smushed under his big feet? Brutus is just as cute as Caesar, right? Brutus is just as smart as Caesar, people totally like Brutus just as much as they like Caesar, and when did it become okay for one person to be the boss of everybody because that's not what Rome is about! We should totally just stab Caesar!
— Gretchen Wieners