Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and violence.
living with two guns strapped to my back. facing both inwards and outwards. waiting for a trigger pulling finger to make a decision. a shakespearean tragedy.
is my fate my own? arms tied to a ceiling hook.
maybe the guns will grow sentient. they will buzz against my lower back. whisper sweet nothings into my ear. telling me to wait on god. the rapture is nigh.
if that is true, maybe jesus can use his trigger pulling finger on one of the guns. will he save a reflection, his or mine? or will he chortle and grimace? hold my cheeks, bloody-fingerprints and emptied-out palms, and say; i’ve been in this same predicament— don’t feel special.
i’m one person willingly lined up for the gas chamber. the execution row. i will find that there are multiple me’s waiting for the bullet. all wearing different colored cloths over their eyes. holding hands. a fucked up birthday garland. wishing you a speedy recovery and a happy birthday.
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142,322 Literary Works • 677,257 Reviews
wow, I can't believe this doesn't have any reviews yet! I thought this was a brilliant piece.
This is a very striking image. How I interpreted this was that the guns facing inward represent self-harm and self-destruction, and the guns facing outward present harm to others. 'waiting for a trigger pulling finger to make a decision' makes it seem as though the speaker isn't perhaps the one who will be pulling the trigger; they are waiting for someone to do it for them. As though the speaker is unable to decide something important about themselves; the truth may hurt others, but hiding it may hurt themselves.
I would maybe cut the 'shakespearian tragedy' line though, since it's sort of telling us the genre of the story when we already know it's a tragedy just based on that same line!
Whether fate is their own seems to be the central question here. The image of being hung or suspended from the ceiling hook by arms invokes the image of a crucifixion, and in my interpretation of the crucifixion of Jesus, fate was not his own; it was destined by god (his parent) and also the Romans who crucified him (the society) so perhaps the speaker feels as though if thye speak their truth, they may be shunned by their surrounding family and society?
Instead of making the decision themselves, the speaker is wondering whether the guns may make this decision for them, or convince the speaker to wait for god's decision instead of their own. The idea of the guns being sentient makes them seem more tender, or rather, the implied violence becomes tender. The thing that could kill the speaker is also the only thing paying attention to them, so the danger arrives as a comfort. But the comfort they offer is that they are urging passivity, and they dress it in religious language: the rapture is nigh, so hold still; something will resolve this for you. So, perhaps the guns are a voice of fatalism or represent a learned helplessness.
Jesus was crucified for spreading what he believed the truth was, and here (in my favourite part of the poem!) he tells the speaker they are not special since he has been in this situation before. Jesus is God, and the guns told the speaker to wait for God. Now he is here, literally, and the speaker is wondering if he will use his finger to pull the trigger; we don't know which trigger. Will he save the speaker, or himself? Since in Christianity, Jesus died to save our sins, we might think he would sacrifice himself here, but his bleak remark makes it seem like he might be urging the speaker that they need to make this sacrifice themselves.
The final stanza made me think the speaker’s 'truth' is something they have already chosen to face, but that facing it splits them into many selves. Perhaps it makes them seem different to different people in their lives. The birthday garland and “happy birthday” made me think of rebirth: if something has to die, maybe something also begins. This would allude to the fact it doesn't matter which trigger they pull, or maybe they will pull both.
Overall, I read the poem as being about the paralysis of waiting for someone else to decide your fate, and about how faith can become a way of avoiding your own choice. It was a really fascinating read and very poignant. I hope my interpretation made some sense! <3