This is a work in progress, but I'm looking for feedback.
It’s Monday
Feels like Sunday
In this land
It’s finally time to let go of your hand
Daddy I'm a big girl and I can walk on my own
Just let me go
Let me go…alone
Its time I make my great escape
Its time I get out of this place
‘Cause daddy I’m big now
I’m not your little girl no more
I’ve got a lot in store for me
Don't you want to see who I can be?
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142,249 Literary Works • 677,084 Reviews
Hey misstoria,
I rather liked this. Thats all I really wanted to say.
Keep writing!
i really like this song although it is very poetic and i was wondering if it would be better going into the lyrics poetry section
very poetic and very strong in feeling. I like that you can put those type of things in words. That is what writing is all about. I like it. You should publish it.
I think it's really good.It's pretty simple though,but if you like it like that,keep it.
It's very good.
Your dad should only "let you go" when you turn 18 not at the age of 14..lol
Hi Victoria!
It does sound a little like lyrics though, but more like unfinished ones. I think what you have here is perhaps the base for a chorus and first verse, then you could work more into it...
If you want this moved to poetry at any point, just let me know and I can help with that
Technicalities aside, I like this a lot. I think you're working with a theme that's popular but hasn't been done too much. I certainly can't remember the last time I heard a song about a daughter seeking her independence. Here's a few specific comments:
Some very nice lines here! I would like to see you expand it though and get more of a plot in there and a repeated chorus. Good work so far though,
Heather xxx
I so agree with all of the comments. This piece has be really confusing me with wether or not is should be a song, and why it begins the way it does. I very much appreciate the feedback.
Hi
This is really sweet and it sounds like it comes from the heart.
I really enjoy it.
Maybe instead of leaving it pure and simple (which is great) you should try to make it more detailed and pad it out a bit. Just a suggestion.
Hope I helped
Keri
x
Hello Misstoria,
The first thing I notice is that you placed this work under "Lyrics". I think that this would be more fitting under Dramatic Poetry. Why do I say this?
You used a dramatic pause, which I don't think would be fitting for a song. The entire piece seems like it would flow nicer as a recited poem rather than a song.
You should review punctuation in a few places, namely here:
There should be a pause and a comma after "Daddy".
Another thing is, I do not understand what you are getting at the first three lines. What are you trying to say? I read it several times and it does not make sense to me.