The worn out backseat of your car is where I end up
when vomit piles up at the back of my throat, my head
as scratched as the hooves of a dead cow. The worn out backseat
is the best place to lie still, but you say, only when it’s dark out.
At night, when it’s too dark for us to even remember
the faces of our parents, the streetlamps
are all that remind us that we’re still in a suburban town
(anywhere else, the streetlamps wouldn’t flicker).
When I’m with you, it’s as though my head is bald again
and I’m crowning my way out from my mother’s womb for a second time.
The first time I was born, I clawed my way out like a violent rat. With you,
it’s always summer in the worst of ways: heat flashes across my palms,
my throat bitter with my teeth, your voice echoing,
"if you like arguing so much,
you should be a lawyer!" You have hair
that is too short for your lanky body. I see you
driving across bridges built for rivers. The last night of May, I dreamt about
all of us from the line of painted white houses, everybody seventeen years old,
running crookedly into an ocean. Our bodies shook with saltwater.
In the dream I cried, something like saltwater,
because nobody drowned.
I’ll never get over the age twenty-six; on your tongue,
it sounds too much like a curse, like “lawyer," or even "poet."
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142,249 Literary Works • 677,083 Reviews
I really like the combination of summer birthdays and driving lessons in this piece. It sounds like such a relatable stage of growing up, with those little experiences that suddenly start to feel like important memories.
geometry dash
What an enjoyable read, despite it being so very melancholic. It's a short poem, so it's a short review but I'll give you the TLDR first:
- Great imagery
- Great metaphors
- Noticeably clunky in places
The good:
The metaphors and imagery, as I said above, are very well chosen and expertly depicted. The following bits are the best of the lot
That being said, you need to clean up the writing in places. I get what you're going for, and the melancholy lands so well but you need to cut back. For instance:
Needs to be simplified.
Needs a stanza break, and the opening image description is slightly too wordy. Maybe something like "Your car's worn out backseat is where I end up/with vomit piled up at the back of my throat" or something.
Very well written otherwise!
A Butterfly has landed to review your work! <3
Hey orbweaver! A Butterfly has landed to review your work, and I really enjoyed reading this. There's something so strange and surreal about the whole thing but underneath it all is a really strong sense of growing up and growing unfamiliar with yourself.
The Egg
My first impressions were that this poem was a memory being experienced rather than remembered. The opening immediately sets that up with the worn backseat and the ominous darkness outside. I really enjoyed how the ordinary suburban things grow so disconcerting.
The Caterpillar Hatches
I really loved this line:
I absolutely adored how the streetlamps become almost like a testament to the fact that the world around us is normal, while everything else gets more and more strange.
Growing & Molting
I really enjoyed the reoccurrence of the idea of birth too, and the way that the memory of summer is tied to the idea of being born again. It really made the speaker's relationship with this person seem multifaceted without having to explain.
Spinning the Chrysalis
The poem almost flows like a dream, from memory to conversation, driving, houses, bridges and the ocean. Somehow these feel connected with the same feeling of adolescence and misadventure.
The Transformation
The imagery is so dense that I had to re-read some of it to get the full impact! Honestly I think some of the ambiguity helps with the dream-like quality it has!
Wings Taking Shape
The seventeen-year-old dream was definitely my favourite part.
That image was so vivid and the emotional reaction that comes afterwards really changes how I perceive the whole thing. It's beautiful but so disconcerting.
Breaking Free
The ending sticks with me, especially the linking of lawyer to poet with the idea of twenty six. It makes growth almost like an identity theft, being forced to assume an identity you didn't choose for yourself.
First Flight
This is really atmospheric, personal and wonderfully surreal to me. It doesn't explain itself entirely, and I think that's part of the point!
Favorite Nectar
Definitely the ocean dream. It's the part that made me pause to re read and it's still a big part of my mind long after the poem ended.
Lovely work! <3