I saw you there before, underneath the evergreen tree
Your sun-kissed freckles, hair blowing in soft breeze
There you sat blissful and free
The critters around you, the buzzing bees.
Underneath the evergreen tree.
You carved our names into that tree
The tree that has now decayed and wilted
Now your facade has fallen I now see
You do not deserve to be gilded
Your sun-kissed freckles have now formed into warts
Your voice now harsh and cruel
You cannot be spoken to without a retort
Face to face, we no longer speak only duel.
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142,404 Literary Works • 677,732 Reviews
Hi it is I, the ruler of the abcs! I fancy a YWS S'more Method today!
(GREETING & INTRODUCTION)
Jokes aside, hiii I'm abcisbest!! I wholeheartedly believe abc are the best letters of the alphabet.
Top Graham Cracker - What I Know
Okay, I love the entire idea of this poem so much! The way you express the idea of seeing the true, negative self of a person who appeared charming is marvelous. The evergreen tree, the vocab (gilded, wilted, freckles, retort and duel), the metaphors, imagery and the overall structure just is amazing! Everything in the poem is working to give off the atmosphere of this very knight like, kingdom rule, chivalrous vibe which I love.
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - Room for Improvements
The majority are just more grammatical errors.
Like here, it should be "blowing in *the* soft breeze"
You use the word "now" twice here, for no reason as far as I could tell. This might be intentional to give some double meaning, but I've tried to find something of the sort and couldn't :/
Here there should be a comma behind "only", to specify it as separate from the main clause. You're trying to say we only duel now, but without a comma it's just grammatically incorrect.
Now, leaving the grammer aside (that's just a small thing), the only proper critique I'd have is the rhythm in some lines is broken. Some lines flow very nice, like a river, but some lines feel like rocks inside that river, blocking it from flowing. For example, the second lines of the first and second stanzas, and the first line of the third stanza feel that way.
Chocolate Bar - Highlights of the Piece
Definitely this:
It's beautiful! The sudden twist works really well here. There's lovely imagery carried from before, the vocab is amazing, and overall my favorite (the rest is also beautiful)!
Closing Graham Cracker - Closing Thoughts
Overall, aside from the grammer, you just gotta focus more on the more technical side of poems. That's it! Your imagery, prose, vocabulary (especially), and structure sense are all great!
The alphabet king flies off now! Byee