Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.
Listen carefully. Have you ever experienced this? Your whole day is sunshine and rainbows; you're doing well in your day job. You're taking a nice walk in the park, blissfully looking at other people's lives. You have a nice meal for dinner. But then, as the night darkens, you hear footsteps approaching in the silence. And as you look out of the window with a sweaty face and rapid breathing, you see monsters hunting you with their drooling mouths. They soon find you and slowly crawl over you. They begin grappling with you so tightly that your chest can no longer expand enough for you to breathe. Slowly, they rip your skin, bite into your flesh, and sever your limbs as they reach for your head. Then they start devouring you as though you were a feast. Yet you can't cry because your tears are sucked dry by them. You can't scream for help as your throat is choked. How many nights can you go on like this? How do you plan to fight monsters that only exist in your head?
They disappear as the night fades, taking parts of your soul with them. But there's no trace of their damage. No one notices that you're losing part of yourself every night. You keep having the sunniest days and the darkest nights. And that keeps bothering you the most. But you feel it's a crime to show your scars because the world has done enough to make you feel like overgrown hair—something it would rather remove than care for. You keep enduring the pain. But one day, you lose it all.
They knock at your door again. The door tries to hold firm, but the pounding continues. Their nails scrape against it. The screeching makes it hard to breathe, as though the sound itself is wrapping its hands around your throat, its fingers curling deeper and deeper into your skin. Just the memory of their bloodthirsty eyes sends chills down your spine. Your heartbeat masks their pounding.
You want to cry like a child, but your eyes go numb. You curl into the corner, making yourself as small as you can, pulling your hair, wishing for this nightmare to end.
What would you, poor soul, want then? Will you hope to be rescued by some divine force? Or will you just give in, hoping they break down the door, tear you apart, and leave no trace?
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142,318 Literary Works • 677,190 Reviews
Hi, Leiell here with a review. I found this to be a very poignant piece, one that was a delight to read. Very solid emotions that came through very clearly overall. But as to the specific criticisms you mentioned:
They disappear as the night fades taking part of your soul with them' was a very powerful line that struck me. But I feel you keep having the sunniest days and the darkest nights just didn't do it for me somehow, and it does seem a bit repetitive in conjunction with the other line that mentioned night. I note you tend to use night/day imagery a lot actually which I support, there is no more beautiful metaphor for the extremes of the human experience than the night and day cycles of the earth, but for the greatest impacts you have to dig deeper. I'd contemplate what you're using night and day to represent and see if there are specific aspects of both you could play around with.Do the metaphors feel original and effective
Are there original metaphors? Writing is like a river; it always goes back to where it came from, and because it comes from the same origin, I don't think any of the metaphors are original. If you want more specificity or advice though I think I'll use this line:
On the other hand, your metaphors about how the monsters crawl over you and the ones involving skin were especially effective to me
Which lines have the strongest emotional impact?
Aside from the one I mentioned, I found these to be powerful
I think this line works because it's giving you a choice between to different types of divine forces, one the narrator believes the author would hope to be rescued by and the other hopelessness and despair. Both echo with a certain level of tragedy because you only have the choice of hope in the first place because the second option is worse. Everything is harrowing. That's what I take from it.
Versile and detailed imagery here; I like how it describes the fingers curling deeper and deeper into skin and how the screeching is making it hard to breathe. It truly captures the emotions of the piece in such a deveastating way
I love the 'yet you can't cry because your tears are sucked dry by them' it's haunting because the very thing that's natural, that's human, is taken by something out of our control. It's a very intimate kind of helplessness.
Do the pacing and transitions work?
I'd say that they do work, yeah, I had no issues here
Which parts feel unclear, repetitive, or overwritten?
Everything felt clear; nothing felt overwritten. As for repetition, I think I covered my main advice on that earlier.
And that round about wraps up my thoughts. Remember to take what was helpful and leave the rest. Take care <3
-Leiell out
Thank you so much for the review. I also agree that the day/night metaphor could've been better executed. Really grateful that you took your time to provide such a brief review.
I'm looking for constructive criticism on this piece. I'd particularly appreciate feedback on:
- Whether the metaphors feel original and effective.
- Which lines have the strongest emotional impact.
- Whether the pacing and transitions work.
- Which parts feel unclear, repetitive, or overwritten.
Please be honest and specific. I'm looking to improve my writing. Thanks