I am a monster. Or at least that is what they called me. I hated being called a monster; what different was I from them? I am a human. Just like them, I have limbs, a heart, feelings. Just because I did something they consider disdainful doesn't mean I'm a monster. Does it?
I remember that day---clear as a tranquil pond in the oasis. It was sunny, enough to bring half the city indoors, but the market was as busy as always. During those days, I didn't have a place to live, much less sleep. I had to starve in order to eat. But I never stole, for stealing was considered something so lowly. Tell me, what is lowlier than living on the streets, eating scraps from the dusty ground? I had to do it---I had no choice; the bag of coins was just an inch from my fingertips. And if I managed? I would never starve again.
I never knew it was as bad as murder here. Rumors that I heard from merchants included how this city was rather strict on thievery. I did not believe that it would be that strict. I was labelled as a monster, caged in a box of glass where people from outside laugh at me. They scared me, the way they cannot sympathize, how they never bothered to learn 'why'. I flinched as a woman poked her finger at the glass, "Oh! Look at its face!" 'It', they called me 'it', as if I was nothing more than a funny revolutionary poster. The woman was still laughing when I curled up and covered myself with my shawl---it was ragged but it's better than facing the piercing stares. As I closed my eyes, I could still feel the mocking looks; and wished nothing more than to be at the place I call home, a matted fur mat that I slept on every night...until now.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
142,241 Literary Works • 677,072 Reviews
Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Shalt we commence with the wretched S’more?
Top Graham Cracker - The main character is being kept in a glass box to be laughed at by society for stealing. All of his days are filled with a deep misery that can’t be found anywhere else…until that one moment.
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - I have no recommendations to make as of right now, but if you would like to edit this, you may.
Chocolate Bar - I like how he curls himself up into a ball when the woman is pointing and laughing at him. He doesn’t want to be seen by them all and only wishes to disappear. I also like how he can’t believe that they were all that strict about stealing, because most people wouldn’t lock others in a glass box for thievery…
Closing Graham Cracker - Overall, a lovely little short story. I have enjoyed reading this and I will be certain to read more about this character and this world. And now…
I wish you a dazzling day/night! ^v^
thanks! I wish you a great week!
yw!! ^v^
Hia! Cool username (hehe!) and lovely reviews! I am here with Team Bees which means I finally have a reason to go through all my bookmarks! I had my eyes on this for a while now~
Aww :(You have a strong opening sentence. I just feel like something is missing from the narrator’s daring screed. It feels like… maybe the narration is a bit too simplistic. Why are they asking us these questions when we don’t really know anything about them? It feels more purposeful than “just” a stream of consciousness…
Also the line abt starving in order to eat… I think you mean to say that they had to starve bc food was scarce, right? But this sounds more like they are a vampire or something and starve themselves out until they have no other choice but to jump the next best human and drink them dry…
VS VS
Kinda don’t really work together? If you want them to finally get to the point where they consider stealing, then you need to highlight that shift in perspective. Maybe with a “but that coin purse” etc to show that they are working against their previously-established morals. And then, you have them say “stealing was considered so lowly” so they DO have some opinion on stealing. But they don’t know that it is as lowly as murder? You might want to be a bit more clear in how your MC explains the situation to us readers :3
Well… being put in a glassbox is bad, no question abt it, but hey, in some culture they hack of hands for thievery so I feel like they got away lightly…
I do wonder abt this culture that puts thieves on display. I also wonder if this were different if they’d gone for food instead of gold…
This review is brought to you by-
Thanks Tikaya! To be honest, I don't think I really did a good job on displaying his opinions, heh, but I did add a line---or tried to...
as for your last meandering, I was planning on saying something about it in the next part!
Oh and the profile? Do you know who he is?
Thanks a lot for the suggestions, I'll try to remember them next time!
No I don't know who that is but I am ready to learn~
Okay, so Ithaqua is a hunter character type in a game called Identity V. He's based on Lovecraftian folklore, has a whole thing with his mother and brother, and his story involves isolation, snow, and some pretty tragic family stuff.
I set my name as Winterbat because he's got a bat inspired hood and the place he lives in is around the north...close to Scandinavia. Heh.
Wow! This piece had me hooked from the very beginning! At the end, I found myself wondering more and more about the world you've set up. I'm curious to know what makes theft such a frowned upon sin, or how much the main character stole, if that's why it was such a heinous crime? Another question is even if the narrator heard from merchants that the city was strict when it came to theft, why did they not believe the merchants?
I know it was intended to be a short story, but I feel like the main character's disregard of the merchants warnings could've been further dived into. For example, you could add something like about their guilt of not listening, or even a sentence expressing why the narrator ignored them.
I also didn't understand the metaphor, "as if I was a funny revolutionary poster." Something like a zoo animal would've fit your general idea a little better.
I know I just bombarded you with criticism, but please don't be discouraged! I had to read over your story a few times to find things that could be improved upon, and I feel these are minor tweaks. Overall, I really enjoyed reading this. Your hook had me trapped from the beginning, and if you do ever decide to explore this world and character further, you'll find me in one of your comment sections again!
awhh thanks a lot!!!
I enjoyed this prose. The opening establishes the conflict immediately, and the narrator does not deny that they stole; instead, they question whether that act makes them a “monster.” The image of the glass box effectively represents their dehumanization. The ending was probably my favorite part; the fact that their idea of home is simply a matted fur mat makes the narrator feel much more vulnerable and adds a bittersweet quality to the scene.
The main issue holding the piece back is that some themes are explained too directly. The opening spends significant time telling us that the narrator is human and should not be considered a monster, while later scenes already demonstrate this through their treatment. Trusting those scenes would strengthen the message. There are some grammatical and wording issues that interrupt the flow, such as “What different was I from them?” and the tense shift in “it’s better than facing.” I was also curious about the idea that theft is treated almost as severely as murder; expanding on why this society is so strict could make the premise and the narrator's situation even more compelling.
Thank you for this read.
Tyyy!
Yoo, Aster here!
I'll try my best to express my views on this piece!
First, I really liked the opening! “I am a monster. Or at least that is what they called me.” is a strong hook because it immediately makes me wonder what this person did and whether they actually deserve the label.
Second, I really liked the way you explored dehumanization. The shift from calling the narrator a “monster” to calling them “it” makes the situation feel much more disturbing, because it shows that the people watching aren't even trying to see them as a person anymore.
Third, I enjoyed the contrast between the character's circumstances and society's judgment. The narrator is starving, homeless and desperate, yet the people outside only seem interested in punishing them rather than understanding why they stole. That moral conflict gives the story much more depth. Even the little detail about the ragged shawl and the fur mat makes the character feel more human.
Now, onto a couple of areas for improvement!
First, I'd suggest checking some of the wording and grammar. For example, “what different was I from them?” could be “how different was I from them?”, and “I had to starve in order to eat” feels confusing because the intended meaning seems to be something like having to endure hunger to survive. There are a few similar places where polishing the sentences would make the prose smoother.
Second, I'd love a little more clarity about the world itself. The fact that stealing is treated almost like murder is fascinating, and the glass cage is especially intriguing! I'd definitely like to know why this society is so extreme about thievery. Even a tiny hint could make the setting feel much more developed.
Overall, I really enjoyed this!! The narrator's voice is sympathetic without making the situation completely black-and-white, and I think there's a genuinely interesting story hiding underneath this excerpt. I'd definitely read further to find out what happens to them and, more importantly, why this society treats them this way.
Hope to see more from you! 🎀✨️
(Plus I am secretly loving your piece more than I can express because I appreciate pieces likes these alott)
Thanks a lot!