my "childhood"

Every day is like Im day dreaming of a life that isn't mine , and in that life is were my brother never Overdosed, were my grandpops never died an alcoholic, were drugs didn't exist, and were i didnt get raped multiple times, were abuse and suffering didn't exist, i dream of that because the reality of went wrong in my life wont change. abuse opened my eyes to the part of world that broke me. i couldn't count on anybody to pull thru for me even family, it was hard to love myself for a long time, i hated every part of myself, i was 12 trying to commit suicide just to stop feeling that pain, that feeling of their hands still on you, that trauma, and that feeling of knowing your alone in this world. I'm 17 now never would i believe you if you told me i lived till this day. was it the abuse? or was it my dad choking me to were i thought he wanted me dead? was it rape? was it the family feuds tearing each other apart? was it the no visits? or was it that i don't feel like i had a chance at my childhood and now today everything i do as a 17 year old is wrong, because all i was taught was wrong. Nobody taught me about the bad in the world, the abusers, the rapists, i had to experience those people and situations on my own, at my lowest, with nobody to come save you. I had to let life break me apart day by day, God took the ones i love, took my innocence at a young age by Rape , he put me in a foster home at 16 having to be a mom to my 1-year-old sister, he made the people who are supposed to be your family be the people who destroyed me or left me. God has taken everything from me and before i would believe it was because he lost hope for me, but fighting this life I've learned you have to lose everything to realize you are one of gods strongest soldiers and you've always had the power of loving your own self, which for people like us we only got ourselves and god.