Thoughts

Hi! Here to review your piece today!

I think this is an effective piece about intrusive thoughts and nighttime rumination. It's very compact, and I like how you use very precise, escalating imagery, such as the beginning oxymoron of "lifeless" thinking, the use of clinical terms like canthus, and a vivid shark-and-blood simile, to capture how intrusive thoughts feed on our vulnerable thoughts. The ending is very effective, as we are lulled into a false safety of sleep, but then the cycle resumes.

Observations Whilst reading:

Thinking, a lifeless part of life that scares me.

What do you mean by describing it as 'lifeless'. I'm not saying I don't understand, I assume that you mean thinking should be the most alive part of consciousness; the thing that makes us, us. But to you/the narrator, it's become a lifeless chore. I think there's an opportunity to describe this image a little here.

Also, you start with a sentence fragment; not a full sentence. Then you lead on with another fragment (Not because I think, but because I can’t stop the thoughts I think.) which has no independent clauses, just two subordinate clauses ("because I think" / "because I can't stop..."). This means these sentences don't really tie together. I do think it's fine in some cases wince this is a short, fragmented piece anyway, but I just thought I'd point it out. I'd say all you need to fix it the simplest way is say "Thinking is a lifeless part of life that scares me"

. My canthus aches from the weeping waters that have touched it.

I like the use of the term 'canthus' here, it makes it feel cold and clinical. You're not talking about crying but describing the eye as having touched weeping waters makes it feel like it's not an active choice.

The weeping waters formed from the cruel thoughts that linger around.

Since you already used the term 'weeping waters' I wonder if you could describe it another way here?

They swarm me like a bag of blood filled in an ocean of sharks.

I guess I don't understand this simile. Like a bag of blood filled sounds like it's a bag of blood being filled up in an ocean of sharks. I assume you mean 'in an ocean full of sharks' in which case I like the image! And since you use canthus, 'bag of blood' feel a big strange when maybe you could use the medical term again so maybe like a transfusion bag or something.

You could make it more visceral and describe the sharks ripping the bag, I think that could be effective!

No escape.

I like that this short fragment is trapped in between two longer sentences.

My head throbs from the overwhelming pain of the thoughts until i slip away into a sweet unconscious.

I think you mean into 'until I slip into a sweet unconsciousness,' since unconscious doesn't make grammatical sense here! But i love this description