Blue

oh hello there !!! i’ve had this poem on my ‘to be reviewed’ list for a while ! I really appreciate the time you took to review my work, so here i am to return the favor ^^
please keep in mind this isn’t really a review, since i don’t have any critiques to add; i mainly just wrote down my observations and how i interpreted the piece

my first impressions were that this is very somber and melancholic, almost reminiscent in a way. i like how you split the verses into careful pieces (e.g., “Eternally, / this / lonely heart / is / blue”) and the repetition (“One day …” “The scratching of …” “I must seek ..” etc.). all of these really enhanced the reading experience!

I will tell you now:
I cannot stay forever
You say he will
Is that then what he said?

(just to avoid pronoun confusion, i’m going to refer to the narrator as Blue, the narrator’s love as Green, and the love’s preferred partner as Red :>)
these lines are v. beautiful in such a simple way. Red makes sweeter promises than Blue, promises he may or may not be able to keep - letters he may be able to send. the narrator is trying so hard to put their love into words, but the other person is just better at it. still, is it selfish of Blue to want to deserve Green? Blue is now free to experience the sea and the birds and the sky and all those lovely things, but at the cost of being unable to experience all that with their love, and there’s something so bittersweet (in a good way!) about that. the undertones of acceptance - reluctant acceptance of the fact that the one your love chose over you might be better for them than you, no matter how much you want to deny it - in some lines better express this theme and i think you conveyed Blue’s emotions v. well ^^


i also enjoyed finding the references to blue, lowercase B, you slipped in there. the ocean, the sky, a lot of types of birds - all blue ! and ending the poem the way you did was clever in that it made me go back and reread the whole thing and realize those references weren’t just lines you added in for eye candy.
speaking of eyes …

One day I will
cry for your pretty eyes

this may just be me, but upon reading that line, i immediately assumed Green’s eyes were blue (!!!!). and upon making that astoundingly unique observation i was like :O and i re-reread the poem to analyze the references to blue, lowercase B, again. even though Blue has already let go of Green - or, at least, is trying to - they are still looking for them (Green) in the things they (Blue) use to try and forget them. is my theory correct ???!!! am i just rambling ?!!!?? mayhap. but if this was intentional, it was also so well-executed !!! <3

It's who I have to be

I will tell you now:
I cannot stay forever

i loved these lines too ! i think throughout this whole review i’ve been focusing on how letting go of Green is good for, well, Green, but what about Blue? maybe it’s unhealthy to cling to the memory of Green when they’ve already moved on - but then again, maybe it’s healthy to understand that they’re happy, albeit with a different person. and once Blue’s heart heals, it’d be good for them to relieve themself of that sadness, that impossible longing, and settle for the fact that it was nice while it lasted. after all, “’Tis better to have loved and lost, / than never to have loved at all.”

He's the one I despise…

imo this was the most realistic verse in the poem (though I do love them all). okay, sure, Red may be better for Green, but can we really begrudge Blue for hating Red, no matter how much Green loves them? it is Red’s arms Green will end up in, not Blue’s; it is Red who Green has chosen, not Blue. i think, in this case, it’s a greater act of affection for Blue to let Green go, to acknowledge that maybe they belong with someone else simply because they deserve someone good rather than someone who makes them empty promises and gives them false hope.

i know i said i had no critiques, but ….

This heart your name rehearses

i understand the feel you’re going for by switching up some of the wording in this line, but it somewhat threw me off the overall rhythm of the poem. is Green’s name rehearsing Blue’s heart, or is Blue’s heart rehearsing Green’s name? i’m pretty sure you were going for the second option (correct me if i’m wrong); however, the way this line is written may incline the reader to think it’s the first option. my only suggestion would be to switch up the wording or clarify what you mean in one of the earlier verses, so as to avoid confusion. for example,

This heart rehearses your name

or, if you wanna keep the general feel of the line instead of basic-ifying it,

Your name, this heart rehearses

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overall, i really loved this poem ! it’s v. meaningful and your writing style gave it justice. lmk if any of my interpretations were correct, i’d love to know !!! ^^

can’t wait to read more of your work ! <33

—☆ Juke/Vesh 🪭

hiii happy review day from Team Butterflies/ Let's get into it on this lovely autumn day that feels fitting for this type of poetry.

You say he will
Is that then what he said?

I would recommend adding a "then" between "he will". To me it flows and mirrors the last line better because as it is the short line feels very much like pressing the brakes.

I donnot dare ask why...

Do not*

Forever in awe
This heart your name rehearses

This line has me unsure if it is the narrator or the lost love who is rehearsing the others name. I think it is meant to imply that "this" heart is the narrators, and it is rehearing the others name, but "your name rehearses" almost made me think that "they" are rehearsing "this heart". I don't know if that makes sense but it tripped me up at first.

The scratching of a pen
against a piece of paper
The scratching of a hand
against a thinker's head

So here we have pen and paper and hand and head. But then...

I must seek the world
The rolling waves, the sea
I must seek a quest
The soaring birds, the sky

we switch to I must seek, but then...

One day I might
regret leaving you so
One day I will
cry for your pretty eyes

we go to one day I. Poetry obviously can change meter and rhyme and scheme throughout, but it might be worth seeing if you could latch on to one of these templates for the duration. I personally like the first stanza the best because of the alliteration, but I know that can turn poetry into very forced rhyming.

If I were to venture a guess, it almost seems like a girl or boy writing a letter to perhaps their best friend who has begun to date the person that they used to, and is feeling that separation that neither of them are on the same journey as he/she is, an he/she is hurting but doesn't want to ruin their life.

~Messy