There was once a girl
Who didn't listen to the rain platter
Who didn't listen to the thunder storm
Who didn't listen to the sour sounds
spat to see her Sink and Drown.
Only the melodies through her headphones
Only the playful banter between us
Only 'you're such a genius!'
There is now a lady
outshining the candle flames
readying to up the game.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
142,252 Literary Works • 677,084 Reviews
change to
Hey there! I just finished reading your poetry, and I’m completely blown away! Your writing is so captivating, and I couldn’t help but picture how amazing it would look as a comic. I’m a professional commissioned artist, and I’d be super excited to bring your story to life in comic form. no pressure, though! I just think it would be a perfect fit. If you’re interested, hit me up on Discord: discord:charlottemadison1997. Let me know what you think!
Cheers,
charlotte
Hi! My name is Jade, and your poem caught my attention because of its title. I am super excited to review it. Let's go ahead and begin!
I think you could be more specific with this line. Your previous two mention rain and thunder, however this line is quite vague. Instead, I'd recommend drawing on more imagery to help paint a picture beyond the sour sounds. For example, you could say "those who doubt" - I think it paints a clearer image, while also working well with your next line, which is also a bit vague without context.This line also feels rather vague. Who spat, and why? Maybe the previous line could be worked to create imagery of people who do not want to watch this girl succeed?
I really like this line! It is such a cute, creative way to show that she only listens to things she enjoys and that uplift her. I think the message is great and shows her independence and personality, through such a simple line.
This line is also super creative. I like the picture you're panting. It shows a self-assured, confident girl who is very talented. With her age, she is able to take on so much more and achieve great things.
I also really like the repetitive lines, and how it forms the body of the poem. Switching from who to only is a small detail, but I like it. The who embodies unsureness and the turbulence of growing up, while the word only shows a self-confidence and a pride that comes from overcoming struggle and realziing one's power.
The one comment I have is to strengthen the vague imagery I pointed out. That way we can see who doubts the girl in the poem, and celebrate when she realizes her potential. Using that, us readers will be able to cheer for her more, relate to her, understand her struggles, and it adds depth to your imagery and displays the point your making way better than the vague language, which left me wondering many questions.
Overall, I liked this poem. It was very positive and uplifting, and quite motivating to me, as it reminded me of how much I have overcome and the goals I will be able to reach.
Jade
thank you for your review jade!
And for pointing out the vagueness, I will definitely keep that in mind. I used 'sour sounds' so create a little sibilance to make it sound sinister (don't know if it worked) but I love 'those who doubt' ! much clearer and way more powerful!
Lightswitch.
Awwww I love this :> I feel like it makes me feel like something is ending but there's also a completely new start to something exciting. It's sooo good keep writing
I love it sends the feeling of a childhood ending. The world’s view upon her now.
Keep writing! This is amazing!
i really love how this poem seems to be about a birthday without actually saying it directly!! the way it mentions the candle flames and how the girl has grown into a lady is so subtle and sweet, and i love how it feels like its celebrating someones growth as well as their birthday. its not even my birthday but i still find this so lovely 😭 i also really like how the beginning feels a little darker and then it slowly becomes more hopeful and happy. the contrast between the rain and thunder and the playful banter is so interesting, and the ending makes it feel like shes ready to take on a new chapter of her life. honestly i think the subtlety is what makes this poem so special because it doesnt need to directly explain everything for the reader to understand the feeling behind it!!
thank you so much! that means so much to me! Its my friends birthday soon so I'm writing her a poem
but i guess it could be for any pair of friends
Oh cool!! and yw!!!