I’d be black.
I lack no uniqueness—
just black and white,
like a TV playing in the night.
If I had a smell, I wouldn’t smell pleasant.
I would smell like dust.
Dust that wouldn’t last a second—
for my dust is a bird flying in the air,
trying to leave.
But just like dust, I leave a trace.
I might have been blown away,
but my spirit is too stubborn to go.
It stays.
It stains.
It stays with the person I put in the most pain.
I was sorry, for I didn’t know.
If you try to wipe the dust, it wouldn’t go.
It’s permanent.
It stays on them—
for the words I said,
for the actions I dread.
All my stories mean nothing because the stain is there.
For an eternity,
I may be a victim once,
may be a victim twice.
But every counter—
I can’t be a victim all the time.
Sometimes people have left dust on me,
and I have on other people.
But that gives me no right to be a villain.
Now I stay with regret,
wanting to wipe the dust away.
But now I can’t—
because I will just always be a pain.
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142,322 Literary Works • 677,254 Reviews
Hey there! Thought I'd stop by to leave some thoughts!
Overall, I like the concept of a poem sort of personifying / exploring "pain" - especially from the standpoint of comparing the pain to dust / stains. The flow of the poem with the different sound-devices, definitely gives it a "spoken-word" vibe I'll say too and overall it seems to flow nicely.
Going to go through a few specific comments I had -
I feel like the opener is super ambiguous in a way that doesn't draw us to the main meat of your poem very quickly.
I'd be black - made me think the poem was going to be about something racially related, and then the next two lines made me a little confused.
"I lack no uniqueness" - feels a little like a double-negative.
"If I had a smell, I wouldn’t smell pleasant.
I would smell like dust." -> for me the "If I had a smell, I wouldn't smell pleasant" - is a very awkward line, like saying "I stink!" kind of takes me out of the theme of the poem for a moment wondering why someone would say that - I wonder if you described the smell more specifically beyond it just being unpleasant if it would be a bit more effective- like some words people usually use to describe the smell of dust ... stale, acrid, musty, earthy?
"but my spirit is too stubborn to go.
It stays.
It stains."
^ I like in these lines how you contrast the longer lines with two short ones, it makes that part feel really punchy. And a "stubborn spirit" feels like a good descriptor.
"If you try to wipe the dust, it wouldn’t go.
It’s permanent."
^ Most of the time dust isn't permanent, so this turn was a little unexpected / difficult to visualize until you moved to the "stain" metaphor.
"I may be a victim once,
may be a victim twice.
But every counter—
I can’t be a victim all the time."
^ Here what is meant by "every counter"?
The end of dust being left on others was interesting - like the cycle of pain can repeat or end... I felt like that was a very interesting take that lifted the poem to a powerful conclusion of the speaker going beyond what they had experienced into choosing a different path. Nicely done there!
Lots of turns and twists here - I think that there's a few parts that could do with a little more clarity to make the poem even more punchy and meaningful, but very unique concept that is worth continuing to explore!
Keep on writing!
A
THANK YOU for your review I’ll listen to your feedback! I do agree I could strengthen more areas in my writing lol
You are welcome! Keep on writing! Look forward to reading more
Hey! I just adored the idea of this poem transforming the pain into something tangible, like dust and a stain. The fact that the dust can be blown away with the wind but will still leave its trace is exceptionally well thought out.
I appreciated the way the author showed the internal conflict of guilt and grief. You could feel both the pain done to the main character and the pain they caused subconsciously to other people. Therefore, the poem’s conclusion did not leave a bitter aftertaste of victimization or hypocrisy as one would expect from a two-sided guilt poem. Instead, it wrapped everything up beautifully in one single realization.
The repetition of “It stays” at the end of the poem was a genius idea. It gave the whole poem this additional meaning of persistent regret that can never be taken back. I especially loved the metaphor of the dust turning into a stain because it showed how the pain grew stronger with time.
By the way, I could imagine this poem being performed as a rap. The rhythm and storylines are perfectly intertwined to present the author’s meaning clearly while still leaving some space for interpretation. Overall, it was a lovely and relatable piece with a powerful central idea and an exquisite application of literary devices. <3
Awhhhhh THANK YOU WO MUCH you and palshlong said this could be a rap i’m kind of flattered to do one 🥲 it makes me wanna go to the studio
random but this would be such a sick rap dude
Appreciate you seeing the vision. The whole concept of 'dust turning into a permanent stain' felt like it needed that rhythmic, storytelling delivery. It’s definitely got that dark rap energy and you know what man I'ma hit you with a follow
But for real thanks man after hearing that I might have to make a recording demon just for ya! kidding (mostly) but you low-key inspired me. your cool man thanks for making my day
AWWW youre welcome i really like your writing aswell!! keep writing, and good day ♡