Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
A century ago, an era glorious by stardom, and ambition but tainted by cruelty and sin. Many have questioned what lies ahead after we take our last and final breath. Some say our fait lies in Heaven or Hell, others believe there’s nothing at all. But deep within the secrets of legend, known only by a small few, whisper of a dark dimension.
A place where the fallen souls of the most vile and cruel gather to wage war to take the crown as the ultimate pure evil, and risen from the fire stood one of the most powerful beings of all, Malak. A woman by the name of Helen Bierce was blinded by the lights of stardom, was willing to sacrifice everything to even touch the glory of fame.
She had found connections within a cult of darkness one that could grant her wish, after spilling the blood of a young girl as sacrifice she had summoned none other than Lord Malak himself. He offered fame beyond her wildest dreams, but at a price. For once she closed her eyes for good, her soul will belong to him.
And so the deal was sealed and she lived a life touching every cinema in the city, her name known by thousands, she grew fabulously wealthy, but this would not last forever. When her time finally came Malak very much expected his payment but she had other plans. For she had discovered a powerful magic source known as the Riddle of Heaven.
A ring made up of the souls of the fallen that formed a bound with her soul. She had attempted to use its power to subdue the demon but it failed, with Malak shattering the ring and taking all the pieces. But she still had one left he didn’t reach so she used it’s power to seal herself in a pocket dimension of strong barriers one that Malak couldn’t breach where her soul could never be taken.
But this protection proved to be her prison as she had no way out herself. The only way she could think to escape is collecting the remaining pieces from Malak to break free, but she was trapped within the ballroom walls unable to leave. So she sought out to find souls promising a wish for if they can retrieve the pieces of the ring for her.
Many of the most desperate of souls had tried to fulfill her command but within those dark realms Malak had an army of monsters formed by dark corrupted fallen souls waiting to terminate all that who enter for the ring in the form of nightmarish portals with each being more horrific than the last. The monsters within take form of the fears and traumas of the victim.
Using their very own past and memories against them, giving the title of nightmares. None had made it very far that was until a about 2 decades ago, where soul of a man that reeked of guilt, shame and regret. The man had a lot of many heinous deeds on his hands. With scars of an abusive mother he never let heal.
So he sought to fill the void with greed and lust which left neglect for his poor daughter when she needed him most and for him to grow a bitter resentment to his marriage. This bitterness and hatred grew until one day he planned a truly evil deed. For he had swapped the medicine of his wife so that such dose would seal her fate.
But what he did not know was the tragedy that would arise from such a careless hate filled act. As such dose did not prove fetal while his wife was alone, but rather in a car with his very daughter. Once such poison had hit it ended with the car crashing into another killing two others, and both his wife and daughter as the car fell over the bridge into depths of the sea.
This sealed the fates of both his wife and daughter. This left the man in complete and utter despair. For the life of his hatred of his wife caused the loss of his own daughter that he never wanted. After the loss of his family and the blood of two others all upon his hands, he tried all he could to make up for his vile deeds and regrets.
Charity groups, therapy, even drowning his pain in drugs but none could make up for the tragedy he had caused, and he was completely alone as his vile deeds left his reputation in shambles. As the years went on his health began to fail him. As cancer withered him away he found the Riddle of Heaven as his last resort in death to hopefully find a way to turn back time and make things right.
In death he sought out to finally win this challenge. In all the years of souls who had tried and lost, none had made it as far as he did, none had such skill and resilience. The man grew to know the methods of the monsters and the tricks to escape better than anyone, which started to surprise even Malak himself. But this unfortunately would only result in tragedy.
As he would be gone just a few pieces away from success. For the first time since Bierce had grown cold and numb to the deaths of all that had failed her, she felt a twinge of disappointment and and dare say grief for such soul to make it so far for nothing, but soon a new soul will rise to take on the challenge of forming the powerful ring.
Will they succeed or meet their end just like all the rest? And if they manage to gain the final piece, what magic truly lies within the Riddle of Heaven? Will Bierce keep her word, or will this be nothing but a game of Deception?
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
142,249 Literary Works • 677,084 Reviews
I made this so that the people who haven’t heard of the game Dark Deception can still read the fanfic and understand it. Since I had a lot of family and friends who I wanted to read this but don’t know anything about Dark Deception. This doesn’t cover EVERYTHING since Dark Deception has a lot of lore but this covers what you need to know for the story.
Hah! I always appreciate fanfic writers going out of their way to make their work accessible to non-fans (something I am very familiar with!) so let’s see where you are going with this fanfic!
THIS is a fragment that works really well! Nicely phrased <3So. I would like to start with the advice that beginning your story on a fragmented sentence (as in an incomplete one) needs careful consideration. I don’t understand why you really need one for this prologue when… as far as I understand your comment, this is here to give plebs like me the necessary lore?
I’m not sure abt the phrase “secrets of legends” …. Are the legends secret? Are there legends that contain a secret code for those that care to look? What do you mean here? It feels a bit like buzzwords XD
I also don’t feel like your starting sentence, even taking aside the fragmentation, leads very well into the next one. What abt the era talk lends itself to “many” (whoever these many are) questioning life and death? Where’s the connection? It kinda sounds like your first sentence wants to be a subheading instead :3
(why yes, I am always focused on the way prose is arranged first, and plot and content second XD)
Uhm the most vile want to take… what kinda crown?
Where’s the connection between Malak and Helen Bierce that they are mentioned in the same paragraph? Are you trying to show different vile beings vying for the crown? In such a case, it’s almost always better go for something like the Rule of Three. 2 mentions don’t yet make a pattern and just feel disconnected.
Okay once that confusion’s out of the way, the rest of the lore is so far smooth sailing. I understand everything XD
I especially like that she’s not idly resting on her fame, she’s actively working on a solution to having sacrificed her soul!
I feel like you could elaborate a bit more on why this dude hates his wife so much that he wants her dead.
I feel like you could do with a different phrasing than “vile deeds” the second time around 😊
you also had an act of him already ending in tragedy. This is not abt the event but the wording. You might want to phrase this differently to bring more variety to your writing style ^^Especially since this time around you don’t even elaborate on why he failed. Since you spent so much time summarizing this guy’s life, I would have expected you to at least tell us why even he failed ☹ Might be needed in explaining why Mrs Bierce also felt for him.
This review is brought to you by-
Thanks for the review, and I’m glad you appreciate me trying to make this story accessible to everyone. I mostly did it because the Dark Deception fandom is so dead I knew barely anyone would get what’s going on lol. I’m sorry if the “secret of legends” part sounds confusing I was just trying to use fancy old langage which ended up making some parts sound wonky oof.
Also with the crown confusion, I tried to say the crown of the most powerful being. It’s not a literal crown it’s basically trying to say how the demons and monsters within this realm are constantly battling each other to be the most powerful so yeah the crown was meant to be a figure of speech thing, sorry if that came off as confusing.
Also thank you for enjoying the “with scars from an abusive mother he never let hear” line I came up with that on the spot and I feel like it really fits Doug Houser (who is the guy they’re talking about also the og protagonist of the game)
And I’m sorry I did explain why Doug hates his wife so much, Dark Deception has a LOT of lore so I tried to shorten and not overly explain but I think I definitely overcorrected and made this kinda rushed. The reason why is because he overall was a crappy husband and didn’t put much effort in the marriage so he could focus on money and his affairs, but also because his wife Elise kinda sucked, refused to treat or address her mental illnesses and even tried to stab Doug during an argument oof.
Also yeah offing your wife with pills is already a tragedy I phrased it like that since it Doug’s mindset since he wanted her dead it was only a tragedy when Tammy (his daughter) got involved but since this isn’t Doug’s POV I probably should’ve said “result in a much greater tragedy” or something.
But overall thank you so much for the review and I hope youn continue the rest of this story!
I really enjoy this story, and it certainly piqued my curiosity. I had not heard of Dark Deception before this, but reading this definitely made me feel like it would be something I’d enjoy.
The idea is strong; a tragic, guilt-ridden protagonist battling personal nightmares inside a dark dimension to undo a horrific mistake is a great hook. However, the chapter currently feels more like a summary rather than an opening.
You are telling the reader decades of history in just a few paragraphs. This overwhelms the reader with backstory before they have a chance to connect with the setting.
So, consider breaking this introduction up. You could start in the middle of the action with the man's final moments or with the new soul arriving in the ballroom. Let Bierce explain her past naturally through dialogue or environmental clues later on, rather than unloading all the exposition upfront.
There are several typos, spelling errors, and awkward phrasings that disrupt the writing. Addressing these will make the writing feel more fluid.
Here, the ending shifts from third-person into a direct address to the audience. While this works for a back-of-the-book blurb or a synopsis, it can pull readers out of the story. Show the new soul arriving, and let the questions naturally form in the reader's mind through suspense.
Calix <3
Thank you so much for reading and liking it! Dark Deception is a really cool game and a lot of the concepts in this prologue come from the game so if you like this I’m sure you’ll love the game. I do agree that this was quite rushed because Dark Deception has a lot of lore and I tried to tell the reader what they needed to know without it taking too long but I think I kinda messed up the pacing from overcorrecting it. Also thank you for pointing out the typos and mistakes I often struggle with that 😔 and looking back I think the ending questions were a bit corny.
But I want to point out that this isn’t meant to be a traditional chapter of the story. I made this as kinda a backstory to give people the important information about the basic lore of Dark Deception in case any non Dark Deception fans wanted to read this I do go into more specific details of backstories in the chapters but I wanted to focus on the basic info and I was going for more of someone telling an ancient story rather than flashbacks since this is more for exposition rather than the actual story which starts in chapter 1 which I hope you give a read cause that one has a lot less reviews right now.
But thank you so much for the feedback!
Hello, MAC809!
I think you have a really dramatic and imaginative premise here! The world feels dark and full of danger, which I love, and I can tell you have a lot of big ideas you’re excited to explore. Love the fallen souls, demons, cursed bargains, pocket dimensions, etc.! The strongest part for me is definitely the overall concept. It has the feeling of a dark fantasy story, and the Riddle of Heaven is an especially interesting object because it creates a clear goal for the characters to chase. I have never heard of the source, but I feel you do a good job of making this accessible for anyone to read. I am excited to see the first chapter!
For revision, I think the biggest thing to work on is turning this from a summary into more of a story scene. Right now, a lot of the prologue explains what happened across many years, but I don’t get to slow down and experience many moments directly. You could choose one strong opening scene, like Helen making the deal with Malak, or the man entering the nightmare realm. You really don't elaborate much on those events, so it's easy to wonder: What's the point? I think you can cut down heavily on the backstory and instead show it through your characters' actions/thoughts throughout.
Another helpful revision idea would be to make the main character and central conflict clearer. There are many interesting figures here, but I wasn’t always sure whose story this is? Is it Helen Bierce’s, Malak’s, the guilty man’s, or the new soul’s? Or, alternatively, are they all important and this will have some POV shifts? Not sure! Once you decide who the reader should follow most closely, the whole story will become easier to understand. I know that I spent a lot of time unsure because you bounced the characters off of each other.
Really loving the energy of this though! Let me know if you have any questions/comments about this review. I will be sure to check out the next chapter soon-ish! <3 Also, if you have any more info about the source material, please share!
Aislynn
Thank you so much! You’re my first review! I hope you also check out chapter 1
Here’s a more detailed response since I have more time on my hand rn
Thank you so much, I’m glad you like the concept but I unfortunately can’t take all the credit as a lot of the concepts like the Riddle of Heaven or the nightmares actually are concepts from the game Dark Deception which I think you really like this stuff you should definitely check the game out I think you can play it on PC or PlayStation there might be other stuff but that’s the options that I know.
I appreciate the criticism I do agree that I kinda rushed it and could’ve slowed the pacing a little bit maybe spent more time to show Bierce’s isolation and waiting for the next person. But I wanted this to feel less like actual detailed flashbacks and more like an old story of Dark Deception being read to you as I want the more specific details of the characters backstories to saved for the actual story itself and not all spoon fed to the reader during the prologue. This part was meant to catch up any non Dark Deception fans on the stuff they need to know so they’re not confused during the story. Because a lot of my friends and family I really wanted to read Unsolved Deceptions but I don’t think I could get them to sit through all of the Dark Deception lore since there’s enough lore in that game to fill a Bible lol so that’s why I tried to not make this super long since there’s a lot when it comes to Dark Deception but I think I overcorrected and probably should’ve slowed down the pacing and been more specific.
In terms of whose story this is the main character in question actually isn’t really in this at all. Think of it like the opening to the movie Hercules where idk if u seen it but basically the Muses give the audience some background info on Greek Mythology and hardly even mention Hercules yet since the kids who were watching the movie at the time likely didn’t know much about Greek Mythology the prologue is kinda like that, giving you some background info before you’re introduced to the protagonist. And we learn what his main goal during the first chapter. It’s not super specific yet but we’ll get more info in the later chapters since his goal is partly involved with a twist at the end
But thank you so much for taking the time out of your day to leave such a great review really appreciate it and I hope you stick around for more chapters. I really wish I can use this criticism to edit these chapters but I can’t until chapter 5 since the first 4 have already been published if only I knew about YWS at the time 😔 I just have the use the criticism for future chapters. So if you see any chapters before chapter 5 please don’t think I haven’t listened or taken any of the criticism I promise I had it’s just that these chapters were written before the criticism came.