Published November 1, 2026
Adara tapped her foot impatiently
'of course those prissy ice scientists are coming'
she cringed internally as she glanced around. She sighed and slipped on her metal arm guards and shoulder pads.
Adara pulled her chest plate over her head and tightened her shin guards.
she marched over in line with her fellow soldiers as the Articasus representatives arrived,
she rolled her eyes when she spotted Lumi Vectronius, she was notoriously a nitpicky perfectionest 'of course because everything has to be perfect like her'.
Adara was about to scoff before Kyrinel elbowed her
"ow! what was that for!?" she whispered furiously
Kyrinel flicked his tail towards Mr.Vectronius who had been watching the soldiers he narrowed his eyes but went back to his work nonetheless.
Adara straightened and pretended she had been scanning the room which she technically was.
The assembly continued as it always did. Articasus or Nautlantalis would propose a new law or restriction directed at Crypt, Crypt's leader would threaten to declare war, and Clodearthia's leader would attempt to negotiate a peaceful solution. Avianelith's representatives usually remained quiet, occasionally interrupting to correct a claim or validate information.
Adara had practically memorized the routine by now right about now the meeting would be ajourned or they'd move on to other topics
"Well, perhaps if Crypt's soldiers were actually capable of following basic instructions, we wouldn't need half of these regulations." The Avianelith representative called out.. or well Vali Qullieant
Adara's foot stopped tapping when he started speaking she narrowed her eyes
"And what exactly is that supposed to mean?" General Flint asked although their tone wasn't exactly inquiring
" Oh, come now. We all know what Crypt's soldiers are like. Dim-witted brutes with swords. Hardly the sort of people I'd trust with anything important." Vali said waving his hand..well feathers dissmisively
Adara's jaw tightened as she glared at the solider ' ...Excuse me?'
She opened her mouth, only to feel Kyrinel shift beside her.
" Honestly, I'm surprised they managed to stand in formation without someone holding their hands".
The Avian soldier approached the Crypt formation, looking the soldiers up and down with an almost amused expression.
"Honestly, this is what you're training nowadays?" Vali continues gesturering at Adara
Adara scowled her hands balling into fists "Excuse me?"
" Children. You're sending children to represent your realm? No wonder Crypt is in such a state."
He glanced over Adara's armor, then gave a dismissive little scoff. "And you especially. Shouldn't you be learning to cook or something? Perhaps putting on a little makeup? Surely that's more appropriate than playing soldier."
Adara stared at him. For a moment, she genuinely considered punching him.
Her hand curled into a tighter fist.
"Adara. Don't." . Kyrinel whispered glancing around the room
Adara glanced over to him and through gritted teeth muttered "I'm not doing anything."
"Your hand says otherwise". Kyrinel mumbled half jokingly gingerly fidgeting with his horns
Vali chuckled, seemingly pleased with himself.
"See? No discipline whatsoever."
Adara opened her mouth to snap at him when Mr.Vectronius interrupted
“That's enough Vali, go back to your post.”
His tone was sharp, but not exactly angry, and Vali deciding he was satisfied gave a brief nod before giving Adara a smug grin
Adara fell back in line with the soldiers as the meeting continued. She noticed Akko, or rather Autsko, the Vectronius royal guard, giving her an apologetic glance.
Adara looked away and focused on the meeting. Lumi's pen moving across her notepad caught her eye.
'Of course she's taking notes right now.'
Adara eventually zoned out until the meeting ended. She started to leave when she overheard Lumi speaking with her father, Neil Vectronius.
"I'm just saying, Dad, the claims Vali used were inaccurate in some places. Crypt is well known for things other than fighting, and they have extremely clever agricultural systems."
"I know, dear. I do wish others would at least check their facts."
Lumi beamed before turning to Akko, who was gesturing wildly while speaking rather enthusiastically.
'At least she has her facts right. She's still quite annoying, though.'
Adara turned to leave, following her fellow soldiers. As they walked, she struck up a conversation with Kyrinel about the new shipment of equipment, occasionally making comments about how he was the softest Scaleling she'd ever met.
"Hey! I am not soft!" Kyrinel objected.
"You literally apologized to someone after they bumped into you," Adara pointed out.
"That was an unrelated ordeal," Kyrinel muttered defensively.
Adara burst out laughing as they left the room.
End of chapter
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142,632 Literary Works • 679,232 Reviews
Hi MURD3RDRONSN3RD and Kivaya!
I'm a bit tired so I apologize if this isn't my best work.
Overall, I found your first chapter really compelling! I'm really looking forward to the rest of your story, and I'm excited to see where Adara goes next! The setting of your story seems to take place in a world where our main characters(who seem to be humanoid from the use of "hands") have animal features such as tails, feathers, and horns. I really hope we see these feature come into play! Personally, I'd recommend adding cool features like hornrings, tailbands, and wingclips, as these are personal accessories that I enjoy giving my characters! I also saw this interaction with these extra appendages when Kyrinel fidgeted with his horns, and I really like that small detail!
To improve, I'd suggest checking your punctuation and capitalization. Many of your sentences are not capitalized where they should be, and capitalizing them would make them easier to read! Your paragraph and sentence spacing is also very far apart, not every sentence should be its own paragraph unless they're unrelated topics. Overusing paragraphs can lessen the impact of any emphasis attempted with paragraph breaks. For example,
In this section, there should be punctuation after "impatiently," and "of course" should be capitalized to "Of course." I totally understand struggling with punctuation, as I personally have a thing against commas too!
Near the beginning of your work, there is also a lot of repetition in your sentences.
In this entire section, most of your sentences are fairly basic and follow the same structure. Every single sentence begins with a name, a "she" or a "he." While a repetition of "she" in a sentence describing an ordinary, boring, or unnecessary action can show tedium and emphasize the feeling of boredom and familiarity, overuse can make the sentences too similar. Rather than beginning every sentence with a name, try to vary your sentence structures. For example, here,
This could be re-written as "The most perfect and nitpicky of the Crypt soldiers(I believe, or whatever group she's part of), Lumi Vectronius, marched past Adara, prompting her to roll her eyes at her arrogant expression." or something of the like. (Read down to see what else I think of Lumi)
Most of your chapter's contents is Adara dressing up in her gear, joining the rest of her troop, and describing the political state of her world. While it's never outright stated that she's part of Crypt's troop, it's implied by how she defends them. I really appreciated that part, because not only is it made clear that the other regions look down on Crypt's army(and people in general), but it's also shown that sexist ideology is permissible, and our main characters are likely either young or scrawny(since they were called children). By showing that Adara either has a strong sense of justice, supports her own region greatly, or both, the reader is shown her strong morals and ethics/nationalism.
The idea of Crypt's soldiers being (considered) young and dumb makes me think about the state of the region. From the name, "Crypt", I think of icy graves, frigid areas, and underground tunnels. This makes me associate the region with the North, likely an icy wasteland. In my opinion, I believe that Crypt is an underdeveloped country with little resources and people, due to their location. When Adara mentioned agriculture, this made me think more of how technology could've enabled them to live. I also associate Crypt with famine, which could be why our main characters either look or are children. With lack of food, even fully grown adults could be scrawny or underdeveloped, and with famine, children may be forced to take the place of their parents, especially in war. Not only that, but it appears that the other regions haven't experienced the same sort of hardship, with their lack of sympathy and harsh criticisms.
Here, you could improve your first sentence in numerous ways. Firstly, you could add a space between "Mr." and "Vectronius", to make it easier to read. You should also put a comma in between "Mr. Vectronius" and "who had been," and specify the "he", since it could be confused for either Kyrinel or Mr. Vectronius without a specification(though it's made quite obvious with the context). An example of how this sentence could look is,
"Kyrinel flicked his tail towards Mr. Vectronius, who had been watching the soldiers. The old man narrowed his eyes, but went back to his work, nonetheless." (I'm not sure if the commas are right so take my comma advice with a bag of salt *hands you a pouch of salt*)
Your second sentence could also be broken up with commas to be,
"Adara straightened and pretended that she had been scanning the room, which she technically was."
(bold for an added word)
I also have a few questions about the characters introduced. It's best if they interact with either the main character or a well-described side character so they're memorable or impactful. For example, Kyrinel establishes himself as a friend of the main characters, seemingly a soldier beside her in the army. Vali Qullieant, an Avian soldier(or representative?) makes himself memorable by mocking and interacting with the main character.
General Flint, Lumi Vectronius(who seems to be the daughter of Mr. Vectronius, who seems to be Neil Vectronius), and Autsko are all mentioned, but never get much elaboration. Something else I'd like to mention is the amount of information you give the reader on the first chapter. Rather than introducing so many side characters immediately, I would suggest focusing a bit more on Adara and Kyrinel, possibly a tiny bit on their appearances(as somebody who doesn't like describing my character's appearances) and a bit on their personalities. You certainly show a bit of the personalities of Adara and Kyrinel, with Adara being more willing to fight for her beliefs as compared to Kyrinel, who seems softer. I really love how Kyrinel and Adara seem to be balancing forces, with Adara constantly engaging in arguments and Kyrinel trying to hold her back. I think that this dynamic could be made very interesting if they were suddenly flipped after a major event, and I'm really excited to see their relationship develop!
I really like how this interaction adds complexity to Lumi's character, showing her good intentions and possibly suggesting that she holds herself to very high academic standards, which could be the cause of her perfectionism. This shows character depth and it makes me believe that Lumi probably struggles internally with holding herself to her own ideals.
The last scene, with Kyrinel and Adara joking with each other, show familiarity, and I think that it'd be important for you to briefly mention or describe how long they'd known each other, and how they met.
Overall, I really like the premise of your story, and I'm going to try my best to follow along as your story develops! Some areas to improve on are your spelling, punctuation, paragraphing, sentence structure, and character details. What I really liked about your story was the originality and the creativity of your premise. The way you introduced Adara and Kyrinel presented them very compellingly and balancing-out Lumi's character at the end also makes her seem important for later! The system you've established, with the characters being soldiers in an army and their government threatening war, seems unstable, and this makes me believe that our main character may encounter war and carnage. I love the small details with the familiarity between Adara and Kyrinel, their relationship dynamic, and Kyrinel's horn-fidgeting, and showing Adara's strong will and sense of justice portray her as a very righteous character.
I found your story to be really interesting, and I can't wait to read what happens next! I hope you like my analysis(I know the organization is horrible I'm so sorry)!
Sorry, I realize I made a few errors in this work T^T
It wasn't Adara who mentioned agriculture, but rather Lumi, and it appears that the negative feelings between the regions are reciprocal, by how Adara calls the Arcticasus "prissy ice scientists."