Drip, drip, drip.
The blood flowing onto the floor
From the wrist
A maroon puddle
A life hanging in the balance.
Danger, danger, danger.
They say in a sweet tone
To the person
Who just wants
To be free from themselves.
Beep, beep, beep.
The monitors screech in symphony
In the hallway
Of the place
No one wants to end up.
Ha, ha, ha.
The laughter sounds in tune
The mouths it comes from
Smiling in their mouths
Not reaching their eyes.
Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh.
The wind blows calmly
The grass shuffling
In the courtyard
But no warmth is felt.
Free, free, free.
Thoughts praise the haver
You did it
You survived
But not without scars.
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142,253 Literary Works • 677,087 Reviews
This is definitely something some people go through and sadly is a regular part of our world, I'd like to start with the line
I can see the idea that you want to convey here, and that you are showing how depressed people see this, but also consider that your lines could benefit from being the same length (so probably a bit longer) which would help with the rhyming scheme a lot.
In this one I would adjust the last line, the other 4 fit perfectly but the fifth seems to make the poem choppy, although I get the idea you are still trying to convey here.
This stanza is pretty good, I'd say you did a fine job on this one, keep it up!
But that does not go without saying that this is your best stanza in it, and my favorite line being
So with this, I want you to understand that if you have gone through this or someone you know or love has or is going through it that there's people there for you, and that you did a beautiful job capturing that feeling. Keep up writing and you will be good enough that finding something to critique will be more than difficult
I truly love this poem! I love how you capture surviving with scars, and the "Free, free, free." that was amazing. I really loved how you advocated about people struggling with mental health and how you spoke about it to a point where it cut deep. To be completely honest with you, when I was 13, I also had struggled with my mental health and it got to a point where everything in my life became so dull that I thought that I would never be able to recover from that misery. This poem shows me how sh can affect someone so so so much and it truly cuts me so so deep because I have seen many people around me struggle with it, and I want to tell you, if you are struggling with something, literally anything, I want you to know that you are loved. And you may not recognize it, but I do. I want you to know that your writing was so so good, that I possibly think you have gone through something similar. I want you to know that you are loved and I loved this poem. Keep going, and you got this!!
))