When I was a kid I learned to hide
I also learned nothing ever stays
Every piece of me went away
Until I was nothing
Had nothing
I tucked each piece away
Never to see the light of day
Always told to stand tall and straight
I learned not to sway
If I fell
I’d be seen as different
As weak
Firm and aggressive
My decisions were
I faded to nothing
Everything blurred
Not a thought
Not a sound
Not even a person
The world grew dark
So so dark
Everything still
Only one thought
Circling through my mind
The world is stark
Not at all the best place to be
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142,255 Literary Works • 677,091 Reviews
this one actually isn't the best but you have to admire the effort i guess ✌️😭
This sort of feels like the experience of locking your knees, unswaying and plopping. It also makes me think of marching band. People are made for movement, in a multitude of ways. I feel like it kind of lost power towards the end, which is understandable, I have been there lol. But it has so much potential =]
This one is actually so emotional and I can feel the sadness through the screen on this one. Before I go through the pieces of advice I have, let me say it's a genially good poem and I really like it. I'll start with my favorite lines and things I love about the poem.
- Something I've found with songwriting / poem making is that to be a decent poem you have to match the lines of the poem to have roughly the same number of syllables at the end (that's often why we say to rhyme words at the end of lines because they normally have the same number of syllables). In your poem you did an amazing job at doing that. It flows really nicely.
- I love the language within it too, the way you used multiple different words and emotions to describe feeling trapped is such a hard thing to do yet you pulled it off so well.
- My favorite line/s in the entire poem is
The line is super emotional and I love the rhyming between the lines. This is very metaphorical too and adds such depth to the poem.
Now onto my couple pieces of advice.
- Some lines are a little confusing for example
I had to read this line twice to understand what you meant. I get the idea behind it and it's still honestly not that bad but I think it's a little clunky to read. I believe something like "the way I acted, firm and aggressive" may be a better way to phrase the line.
- Another piece of advice I have is about telling vs showing the emotion. You say your decisions were "firm and aggressive" and you "faded to nothing" but what does that actually look like. I think if you were to make it into a tangable object like ashes of your old self floating in wind or a hole in the wall from something you did (not saying these need to be in there just giving an idea).
Overall this is a really good poem and I'd love to see more work from you!
- Sullen
Hey again!! Thanks for readinggg 😜