You sat at our crowded dinner table every Friday night
Laughed under the covers with me after dark
We were inseparable from the very start
Now you’re snapping at me
All bark, never any bite
Each week is a brand new fight
My head is spinning
Stomachs always in knots
Nobody is winning this
Neither me nor you
All I’m feeling is dark blue
I’ll miss you never
Though my memories will stay forever
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142,321 Literary Works • 677,257 Reviews
Hey there!
I'm Jaye!
I think the first line seems a little too long to me. Not that it can't be long, but the others seem to short then.
This confused me a little. Just because it's a friendship and it took me a while to finally get it. Friendship, not a romance, though it did kind of feel that way. . .
The way you flowed the memories of laughter and freindship before switching it up to hatred is quite sad. It shows the emotions and how the narrator feels.
Tis sad. (Like I said before.) How friendships can change into this.
It reminds me of a friendship of my own that I had lost years back. . .
This was a little off. I think it should have a couple more lines to build the stanza than leaving it at two. Primarily because I feel like it doesn't fit. The Stomachs thing is putting me off.
This was a little off as well, but I liked how it showed the narrator's feelings like before.
The last line didn't really make sense, but the "I'll miss you never" is a stab.
Anyways, keep of the good work.
~ Jaye.
This poem captures the quiet heartbreak of a friendship falling apart so well. Nostalgia is vivid in the first stanza. And I loved the rest as well. I like short poems like this.
I feel many people can relate to this, that's a strength. I have had this experience too, and it all lays in front of me as I read through your beautiful piece.
Particularly my favorite lines lies on the end, it is—
That contrast between warm memories and the sudden walking-on-eggshells feeling
feels very real and uncomfortably relatable. I also liked the rhythm of the closing lines; ending on that note of keeping the memories even when you won't miss the person feels like a really honest way to process that kind of grief.
Hope things get sorted out between you and the other friend.
I hope you have a wonderful day 🔅
Boi-boi
HIII, thank you so much for the kind words!
That "walking-on-eggshells feeling" is exactly what I was trying to convey, so I'm really proud that's how it came off!
This is the first poem I've ever written, actually! I wrote it last night, and everything basically poured out in 5 minutes 😭
Hi,
I like the way you started this poem. Rather than just telling us what the friendship was like, you let me picture those scenes of the two of you together. And that makes the second stanza hit harder. It feels almost painful to think that two people who grew up together now have nothing but arguments between them.
These lines give me the impression that the friendship has become too painful to maintain now. There seems to be a lot of exhaustion and hurt here, as though neither of you is getting anything good out of it anymore.
However, I find the ending a little weaker. “I'll miss you never” sounds a bit awkward to me.
Otherwise, this is a good attempt!
Hiii! Thanks sm for reviewing my poemmmm!
Hi there, @Swaggy3!
I also had a recent breakup with a very trusted friend; if you'd like to know more, you can read my poem, "Dear Ex Best Friend," if you like!
Friendship breakups are really hard and I'm here if you want to talk about anything!
Now, back to the review!
Praise:
I loved these parts!
These lines create sharp imagery of what your friendship was like! Very relatable!
Critique:
Hmm, now this is alright if you wanted this to rhyme, but.. if you didn't, then I suggest that I will never miss you sounds better, in my opinion!
Also, you could provide more detail about how your friendship ended, what she was like and more memories about the time you spent with her!
I really liked the title tho!
Love,
Queenie
Hi Queenie! Thank you for the review!!!
And for the last stanza, the rhyming was intentional!
I'll have to go check out your poem later!!!