5:32 pm, October 20.
Autumn had arrived in the world, making Montreal look beautiful. Every tree was covered with crimson and orange maple leaves. The pavement was covered under the crisp leaves, and the light drizzle made the city look sea of red.
Luna was walking slowly on the road. She was very quiet, but she barely felt the cold. At seventeen years old, she had already spent seven years living in complete silence—ever since the car accident took her parents and left her alone in an empty house at age of ten. She earned her money for living by working part-time at a cafe.
She adjusted her dark school blazer, pulled her hood back, and let the rain hit her face. She preferred the quiet. But as she walked, the rain grew hard. She stood under a tree that barely shielded her from the storm. She was shivering, and her eyes grew wet with tears.
Suddenly, the rain stopped touching her head. She looked up, and a bright red umbrella was above her head. She looked, and a boy was there holding that umbrella. He was taller than her, with bright eyes that showed he was the opposite of her. His hair was damp from the rain. He smiled at her and, in a playful voice, asked, "Hey girl, are you trying to catch a cold or something?"
Before she could answer, he spoke again. "By the way, I'm Kai! I'm a new transfer student at your school. I saw your uniform and thought to help." He chuckled and added, "By the way, you are the one I'm talking to in this beautiful city."
She just blinked at him.
He gave her a confused look and said, "Just a blink?"
She sighed and said in her soft and tired voice, "You talk too much."
He let out an embarrassed laugh and nodded. He looked at her eyes and her lips, the way her dark hair slightly soaked, her small frame, the way she adjust her bag and he felt something in him melt. His cheeks turned soft pink. He moved a little closer, and his shoulder brushed hers.
She looked at him and said, "Do you talk to everyone like this?"
He nodded. In an excited voice, he asked her, "What is your name, quiet girl?"
She looked at his bright eyes that were glowing with curiosity. Then, she looked at the sky the rain had stopped and said to him, "It's none of your business. First, protect yourself. You are soaking wet. Idiot."
She turned and started to walk toward the cafe. Unknowingly, a smile came on her lips.
He stood there with a confused look. He didn't follow her immediately, but the word idiot from her voice softly echoed in his ears. He let out a soft laugh and muttered to himself, "Idiot? Me? Really, she is something else."
He forgot about the umbrella and ran behind her, shouting, "Hey stranger, wait a minute!"
But she didn't stop. He muttered to himself again while running on the wet pavement, "Ugh, she is a difficult girl."
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Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
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142,275 Literary Works • 677,113 Reviews
Please don't judge me hard its my first time trying to write novel or something 🫣 i have more chapters too heeh. Its not that bad right?
I really don't like making an introduction to my review but I must for social reason I suppose but tell me, would you be okay if I didn't add an introduction and just jumped right into all the issues and things I enjoyed?
Grammar: I like how you describe the leaves. I like that we know where we are but what if you put instead of the "Autumn had arrived in the world..." you put "Autumn had arrived in Canada," ? Look sea of red sounds off instead "and the drizzle of light made the city look like a sea of red."
Feeling: I would kind of like to know more of how Montreal looks otherwise this is solid.
Grammar: Good.
Feeling: Well, that must be very traumatic, I'm curious to see how it's affected her.
Grammar: Good.
Feeling: I would like to know where exactly she is walking, she is walking towards home? She is walking on a sidewalk, in town, in a park? Why is she crying? Is she thinking about how her life would be better her parents were alive? Did something happen at work?
Grammar: I think it would flow better like this "She looked and saw a boy was holding that umbrella." and for the dialogue you can do this:
"He smiled at her and -- in a playful tone -- asked,
'Hey, girl. Are you trying to catch a cold or what?' "
Feeling: I have nothing to say.
Grammar: Oh look a link that leads to a forum on how to do dialogue!
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[url=https://www.writerfeed.com/topic/44898-punctuation-within-dialogue#p522603[/url]
So with that information
Suggestion on how you could write this:
He chucked and added
"Also your the first person I've talked to in this beautiful city."[/quote]
Feeling: How will she react to this stranger helping her? I'm curious!
Grammar: Good overall but suggestion!
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Feeling: Solid.
(YAY I'M ALMOST DONE THIS REVIEW- Ahh.. sorry, no I love, love, LOVE writing reviews!)
Spoiler
Grammar: Fine but of course SUGGESTION!
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Feeling: Good, I'm guessing he's going under the umbrella too.
Grammar: Suggestion
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Feeling: Interesting, so it turns out she's pretty bold and stubborn? I mean calling a stranger an idiot?! Wow!
Grammar: Solid.
Feeling: I still don't know what time of day it is or if she works at a starbucks or some small local cafe.
[/quote][/quote]
Grammar: Solid.
Feeling: What does it mean he forgot his umbrella? Did she take it from him? Did he drop it? It sounds like she took it forgetting it was his.
In summary: You could describe more things in your story. Sometimes your dialogue can sound unnatural. Here's a tip, with your dialogue think "is this what a real person would say? Would they really word it that way?"
hey! i just read and re read this and I’m gonna leave a review when I can collect my thoughts, but it looks v. promising ! <3