Clang. My sword drops to the ground in surprise, and I scramble back. “Dylan?”
He’s standing a few feet away, his arms crossed. His eyes glimmer with amusement as I quickly sweep the sword off the ground. “Why are you here?” I demand.
Dylan shrugs. “You’re always trespassing on Cobra.” He leans close to my ear. “I want to know why.”
“That doesn’t make it right to be here,” I hiss. He raises an eyebrow. “Neither did you have a reason to be on Cobra.”
“Fair,” I grumble. He chuckles. “Maybe you should learn common sense, little Blackbird.” I scoff. “What are you here for? Teasing me?”
He shakes his head.
“Then what?”
Dylan doesn’t answer right away. His fingers brush the pendant, almost as if it was an instinct. My eyes flick towards it. There. What Axel wants is right there. My stomach twists. I swallow down the bad feeling in my throat. “What is that used for?”
Dylan’s eyebrows furrow, and he looks down. “This?”
“Yeah.”
“Why do you want to know?” He asks, a faint smile at his lips.
“Because I do.”
He rolls his eyes. “Why? You want it?”
I force a laugh, knowing he’s dangerously close to the truth. “No. Can I look at it?”
“Not happening, Blackbird,” he murmurs, his gaze challenging.
“Please?”
“Nope.”
“Dylan,” I scoff, exasperated.
“Raven,” he says, his tone amused. I sigh dramatically, turning my back to him.
“Fine.”
“You’re going to give up that easily, hmm?” Dylan says teasingly. There’s a lump in my throat. “Yeah,” I barely manage to force out.
“Wow. Okay,” he murmurs. My hand tightens around the hilt of my sword. Now. I have to do it now. “Actually…” I say, turning back around slowly. “Can I ask you something?”
“You just did,” Dylan laughs softly.
I roll my eyes. “A real question.”
“What?”
“Why do you wear it so much?”
Dylan pauses. His eyes harden. “Personal.”
“Sorry,” I stammer awkwardly. I let my gaze drop. He doesn’t notice my hand move until it’s too late. The next thing I know, my hand’s strained against the chain of the pendant. I yank. Hard. The clasp snaps, the impact driving me backwards. The pendant drops into my palm. Dylan freezes. For a moment, neither of us say anything. I’m still in shock.
“Raven…”
My stomach drops. “I—” I stop myself. There’s nothing I can say. And I can’t bear to look him in the eyes. “I’m sorry.”
When I finally drag my gaze to him, there’s no anger in his eyes. It’s just confusion. And somehow, that makes it even harder. “You knew how important it was,” he whispers.
“Yes,” I admit, taking a step back.
“Why did you ask?”
Because I needed you to trust me. I bite back the words. “Axel ordered me to take it.”
Dylan’s jaw tightens. “You listened to him.”
“He’s my leader,” I whisper hoarsely. “I had to.”
“No.” Dylan turns away. “You chose to.”
“I—” “You used me,” Dylan interrupts harshly.
“I didn’t mean to hurt you,” I choke. He turns back. All the warmth drained from his face. “Then give it back.”
I stare into his eyes, my hands shaking. And close my fingers around it tightly. “I can’t.”
“That’s what I thought,” he whispers quietly. Dylan’s gaze drops to my hand, clutching the pendant tightly. The broken chains dangling. Then, he looks away.
And I wish, more than ever, that he would hate me.
Because the silence is more painful than anger.
“Dylan…”
He doesn’t even look at me.
“I’m sorry,” I murmur, my voice shaking.
A bitter laugh escapes him. “Are you? Are you really, Raven? Are you ever?” he asks sharply.
“Yes,” I force out.
“Why are you still holding it, then? I was stupid to trust you.” His voice breaks.
I flinch. He exhales slowly. “Go.”
“What?” I ask, feeling small.
“Go, Raven.”
I swallow hard. “Dylan—”
“Go,” he snaps, whipping around.
“I’m sorry,” I sob. His expression doesn’t change. I force myself to turn in the direction of the camp. One step. Then another. The farther I go, the heavier the pendant seems. Or maybe it’s my heart. I clutch it tighter, the broken chain digging into my skin. I make it a few steps more before I stop. My chest aches. I turn back.
Dylan’s figure stands several feet away. He’s not looking at me. Why would he?
I turn back around, swallowing hard. I can’t go back.
If I do, I know I won’t ever be able to leave.
I never thought I’d care enough to want to return it. But I do. And I hate myself. He exposed himself to me. I feel a lump in my throat as I near the familiar entrance of the Eclipse camp. It’s the last thing he would expect me to do.
I immediately feel the satisfied gaze of Axel on me. His mouth curves into a hungry smile as he waits expectantly. But I can’t even fake one.
“Finally,” Axel says as I drop the pendant into his hand. I swallow hard, trying to fight back tears.
“Aren’t you happy?” Axel asks, his brows furrowing. I look away, biting my lip. I can’t get myself to pretend anyway. Axel’s expression hardens. “You got attached, didn’t you?”
“What—no,” I deny right away. He stares at me for a moment longer, before sighing. “Very well. Thank you, Raven. You’ve done a great favor.”
“Mhm,” I say, trying to steady my voice. This is wrong. My stomach twists, and I feel like I’m going to be sick.
I have to make this right.
I have to find him.
They don’t understand…not Saber, not Axel, not even Solar.
He trusted me. I felt so free, a feeling I can barely describe. Plus, if our Tribes keep going on like this, we will for the rest of eternity, fighting. We need peace. I need to fix this.
I look to where Axel is. He is talking to Draco. Taking the opportunity, I slip out of camp. I scout the area outside both Eclipse and Cobra, then circle to Cobra’s, then back to Eclipse. He wasn’t anywhere in sight.
My heart sinks.
No.
He couldn’t have—He wouldn’t—
He can’t be dead.
Panicking, I run, my breath rasping. Rain starts to pour. I hear some uneven footsteps. I look forward, then run towards the noise. I gasp.
There he is.
“Dylan-”
He’s walking away from me. Weapons strapped across his back. Backpack slung over one shoulder. He looks like he has somewhere else to be.
“No, wait!” My voice cracks, as I hurry after him. “I…”
The words stick to my throat. What could I say? What is there to explain? He trusted me, I betrayed him.
“I’m so sorry, Dylan…I…”
“No.”
He stops, but doesn’t turn around. “I’m the one who should say sorry,” he spits coldly. “I shouldn’t have trusted you at all.” I blink back tears. It was like he pierced me with a thousand arrows.
“I need to make this right. Our Tribes can’t keep fighting like this,” I take a breath, and force myself to continue. “But I can’t do it without you. Please. You can hate me with all your life after, but this is for the good of the Tribes…please.”
“You want to know why I really kidnapped you?”
I look up and blink, caught off guard. “What…?”
“Thorn assigned me to kill you.”
My breath catches.
“She thought you were in the way. She said Eclipse shouldn’t be trusted. I guess she was right. All along.” He laughs bitterly. My body trembles. My eyes on the verge of tears.
He pauses, then continues.
“When she found out the pendant was missing, she was furious. I told her I lost it. Beat the heck out of me. I’m not part of Cobra any longer.”
“You’re…” I trail off.
“Exiled. Happy now?”
I break into tears. He lied. He lied that he lost it…when it was all me.
“I’m so-”
“Forget it.” The words cut deep into my heart. It aches so hard.
“I need to make this right,” I beg. “Just this once—please.”
The silence was almost unbearable. I shift uncomfortably as he stares at me.
Finally, he scoffs.
“Fine. Only for the good of them both. Then I hope to never see your face again.”
My chest tightens, and it feels like something broke inside me. But I nod, despite the pain brewing inside of me. I feel like something collapsed. Something that I didn’t get enough time to enjoy.
He turns.
I gasp before I can stop myself. There is a long scar over his right eye, and another marks his nose bridge. Bruises darken his cheeks, and painful gashes were slashed on his neck. “Let’s get this over with, Raven,” he mumbles.
“Wait…let me treat those-”
“I’m fine,” Dylan snaps when I try to step towards him.
“You are not. Don’t be stupid.”
I try pulling him, but he resists with such strength that pushes me back.
“I said I’m FINE.”
The force of his heavy voice makes me stop. I let go of him, full of frustration and annoyance. “I’m just trying to help you,” I mutter.
“I don’t need your so-called help,” Dylan growls. “You’re doing the opposite of helping.”
“Good riddance,” I snap. “stay stubborn,” I mutter under my breath. But deep down, I know the truth.
This is all my fault.
“You can stay in this cave for the night. It’s right off Eclipse territory,” I say to Dylan after we’ve walked a little. He nods once, and turns away. I hesitate. “Are…you sure you don’t need help?”
“It’ll heal. Don’t make me say it again,” Dylan mutters.
I sit by his side for a little anyway, even though his back was facing me. The silence is making me uneasy, tension breaking. I can only hear the drumming of the rain, and the drip from the ferns. My dark hair gets even more drenched, and I shuffle, inhaling the scent of fresh plants and moss. We sit in silence for a bit.
“Why didn’t you just kill me, before?” I finally ask. “You had the chance.”
“I thought you were different,” he responds. “I guess I was wrong.”
“I messed up. I need to-”
“Heck yea you did,” Dylan snarls, his voice cracking. And for a moment, I can see—the version of him he trusted me with. “You were the only one I was close to. Besides Thorn. I should’ve known you were just using me for the pendant.”
I go quiet.
Because he’s not all wrong.
“We need to destroy it.” I look over at Dylan. Hes staring into the distance. “We need to destroy the pendant. It’s the only way,” he continues. His fingers curl against the soft moss.
I listen to his words, and we sit in silence again. A heavy fog settled. I thought you were different. I trusted you. You used me. I thought you were different. I—
“We can’t. We don’t even know what it can do,” I say, cutting through my thoughts.
“We don’t need to,” Dylan mutters firmly.
“We do.”
Dylan’s jaw tightens. “You should head back. We’ll discuss tomorrow.” His voice sounds strained and tight.
“Okay…” I say hesitantly. “First let me treat your wounds.”
“I don’t-”
“It’s not a question,” I snap.
He goes quiet, staring down.
Finally, he exhales sharply.
“You’re so annoying.” Relief flickers through me. Dylan lets me. In his own way.
“Stay here,” I say, walking out to look for herbs and healing remedies.
When I get back, Dylan was leaning against the side of the cave, against some moss. His eyes are closed. When he opens them, he stiffens up. I try to go ahead with the soft cotton I had found, and he immediately flinches back, his arm reaching up to block my hand. I suck in a breath. How badly did Thorn really hurt him? He glares at me.
“You’re okay,” I murmur. “I’m not going to hurt you.”
He stares at me with his icy eyes. “Like your attacks can do any damage.”
I ignore the comment and continue with the treatments I found, gently wiping away the dirt and mud from his wet face, and pressing the leaves to extract juice. “It stings,” he complains.
Something wet drips over my fingers. It’s warm. Sticky.
I grimace and look down.
And freeze. My jaw clenches.
Blood.
It’s everywhere.
End of chapter
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Don’t mind me, slowly working through my bookmarks =D
I love this sequence and this paragraph in general, love how you show her inner conflict!Hia Catz! Let’s see where Dylan and Raven take us in Chapter 8!
…ok I had to recheck the previous chapter to see if maybe I had missed one. But now, this is the direct continuation. So, last time we were at the home, training with that brute Saber…
And now she’s confronted by Dylan. I wish you would set the scene to tell us how much time has passed. Remember that when you start a new scene you should as soon as possible answer the three important Ws: “Where are we? When does this take place? Who is present?” :3
I do love how petty and hypocritical Raven is when Dylan is suddenly coming into HER territory =D That is delightful :3
I also feel like it is so painfully obvious we are talking abt teenagers here who don’t know how to disguise their feelings or read the room. Raven’s interest in the thing is obvious so lying so blatantly to Dylan “no ofc I’m not interesting, I don’t want it” will not work. Oh I wonder if when she’s older, she’ll be doing something like this with more subtly. Like redirecting the question via talking abt how pretty it is and how it caught her eye immediately etc~
I feel like you have a lot of dialogue right after another without ever telling us where these guys are atm. What’s the weather like? Are they far from camp? You could sprinkle in some descriptions in between the dialogue. That would also break up the monotony :3
Aww I love how you can tell that he’s been teasing but her actually backing of and sounding so subdued also takes him aback! That this wasn’t really what he wanted to produce!
I feel like you made some improvements already in how you place your dialogue into paragraphs but this here kinda still falls into the “multiple speakers in a paragraph and therefore hard to track what’s happening” category:
Is wearing jewellery as decoration this uncommon in their forest? I have rings that I wear every day just bc they are pretty and fit like all outfits xd
Oh wow, this woman really just goes for the pendant as if she has a chance of keeping it @.@
I do like how Dylan is just frozen in shock at first.
RUN girl! He’s dangerous and you provoked him and he’s stronger than you! For once he’s in YOUR territory tho so YOU have the advantage.
I’m so confused. It feels as if the story treats her taking the pendant as “welp, guess that’s that. Aww shucks, it’s her now. No way he can take it back”
I mean, it might be that Dylan is too hurt by her betrayal that he will not reclaim it or smthing, but I wish the narration wouldn’t immediately feel so… stuck on the emotional side and not the dangerous side. They are still enemies and this was an unprovoked attack! Yet there are no actual consequences (aside from the emotional ones)
I mean f.e. this here: He’s saying this as if he has already lost it and is never gonna get it back and … I don’t understand why? Is this bc the clasp is broken now and he’s sad that it is not wearable anymore now? Please please please describe a little more so I can understand why your characters are doing the things they do and feeling the things they feel q-q
What is happening Catz??? Why is he treating this as if he cannot take it from her? Is it bc he trusted her and he doesn’t actually care about the thing? But he said that it’s important? WHY IS HE NOT TAKING IT BACK? Catz, what is happening? Why is this happening? Catz? @.@
Ok if this ends with them going on a vision quest/running away together, all is forgiven. I am so here for two ppl (one feeling v betrayed but cannot stop himself from helping his unwanted tag-along; and one feeling very guilty and determined to stick close to him!) falling in love while hiking through nature while being chased by both camps!
Hmm why did Thorn think that?
Also she invested SO MUCH into Dylan and now she’s just cutting him off? After all she’s done to him, how she’s molded him into her perfect little soldier? I find him, trying to run away a bit more believable than being actually exiled?
Uhm why do they need to destroy the pendant suddenly?
AXEL made this a point of contention for no real reason (It hasn’t DONE anything yet) so… why do they want to destroy it all of a sudden?
Ok now why are we circling back to that without the narration acknowledging that something has changed? He already refused her help earlier so it’s important that you show why she brings it up again and why she’s suddenly so assertive that she can pressure him into relenting.
Tho oh wow that is such a gruesome way to end the chapter! I’m really worried now!
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Thank you so much for reviewing! It is sort of confusing due to the plot that comes after, and I genuinely did not have motivation or passion to write for so long ToT
It's true some of it I have to fix. And the 3 Ws is an awesome trick, I'll use it for the next chapter xD
Thank you Tikaya!!
I really REALLY like how this is written! It feels intense, dramatic (in a good way, obvi), and is just intriguing overall! See, when I read, I get a bit bored if the writing doesn't really catch my attention-- like if its vague or you know, basic. But, the writing isn't spilling TOO much but is able to really convey both feelings of dread and panic (which is what I assume you're trying to put out with phrases such as "He couldn't be dead" and "I grimace and look down) really well! You also show those feelings with actions instead of just simply saying "I feel dreadful"! I hope this makes sense because I have an idea on what I'm trying to tell you, but I don't really know how to go about it </3 To sum it up, this was very entertaining to read, and you did such a nice job! I might go and check out some of your other works
Have a good day!! <333
AhhhH! Thank you so much for reading, and I'm sorry for the late reply, I was busy xP
I loved reading your review and love your positivity, thank you!
This has been a quite interesting read, despite starting it in chapter 8. The detail is appreciated as well as the suspense, I look forward to reading more of your work, both Dylan's pride at not saying things that he should have said and therefore causing more emotional tension. The slang definitely freshens up the tone a bit and helps to give emphasis on the setting and who the characters are and how they feel around each other. This is a unique piece that I appreciate have the privilege of reading. Good luck and keep up the good work! Can't wait to read more!
AAA THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR READING!! Appreciate the support!!