Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence and mature content.
Am I who I say I am?
I'm just lonely, looking for some friends
Do you know who I am?
Do I have to say or can you just stay instead?
It goes like this, 3, 4, 5
Counting down how long I have to stay alive
1 hour, then 2, then it's 5
Can I afford to waste one more night?
My face is a canvas, my tears, the paint
All my feelings sliding down the drain
I can't blame them, I deserve such pain
But do you even feel an ounce of shame?
Wet-streaked face and wretched body
Heart twisted in thorns and ivy
Why didn't you ever love me loudly?
My hands are shaking, vision cloudy
No man can do better than a bear
You can find me collapsed on the stairs
Ink-stained roses, truth or dare?
Bound by an oath, said you'd always be there
My face is a canvas, tears watercolor
Are all my feelings worth less than a dollar?
Why did you leave, can you stay a little longer?
Stupid girl, why can't you be stronger?
Run little deer, run to stay alive
Do whatever you need in order to survive
Run from the bear, run from the men
You made broken promises that'll never mend
It's dripping down my arms, dripping down my thighs
It never worked out, and all I do is stay high
I barely even got a chance to say a goodbye
Singing 'till my voice is strained
Staying for the aching pain
Soaking up my tears in rain
The words you speak bleed to the page
I'll write about you until the ink runs out
Until we meet again, with grief, or without
We're strangers, but with memories too loud
Hearts were tied, but we were never soul-bound
I'll mourn for you like a weeping angel
Like the stars are sorrowful for those lost souls
Like the moon drops low to let us know
That words mean nothing if actions don't show
Like God leads us through wind and snow
And I hope someday...
I can let you go.
BACKSTORY: My hands are still shaking. Love is such a hard thing to capture, and I swear I entered flow state, and something possessed me and left after I finished. He cheated on me, yet I have no clue if he's doing okay. It's something to think over. Yet something in me makes me feel at fault. Maybe someday I'll find a way to get over him. But for now, I'll write poetry, because the best poems come from souls who feel
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
142,322 Literary Works • 677,257 Reviews
Hey, velvet!♡ i just read ur beautiful work. and i honestly think there's something really heartbreaking about the way you’ve written this, the poem feels like watching someone struggle between missing a person questioning their own worth and slowly, realising that love alone cannot make someone stay.
One thing i particularly loved was your imagery. The line about the face becoming a canvas and tears becoming paint in such a striking way to portray emotional pain. I also really like the recurring thorns and ivy imagery because it suggests a kind of attachment that can be beautiful but painful at the same time. It fits the poem title so well!!
The shift between vulnerability and a self blame also stood out to me. The questions directed at the person who left feel almost desperate. As through the speaker is still searching for an explanation that might make everything hurt a little lessm and then there's the line about how words mean nothing if action don't show that felt especially powerful after all the promises and the memories described earlier.
I also appreciate the ending. The hope of eventually letting go doesn't erase the grief that came before it and I think that's what make it feel genuine, sometimes moving forward begins with simply admitting that you're not ready to do it yet.
Overall, i found this deeply emotional and expressive, I think a few line could benefit from a more breathing room, allowing some of your strongest images to stand out even more but the rawness of the writing is part of its charm. Thank you for sharing a beautiful piece, Lovely work!♡
~lilly♡ the fire dragon
Thank you so much for reading, I’m so glad you enjoyed! This brought a smile to my face, and it’s true I should’ve let it sit longer <33 THANK YOUUUUU
Oh my God, this is genuinely so incredibly profound and emotional and I'm stumped for words. I actually came by earlier today to read this work but didn't have a chance to review but I ended up coming back because I couldn't get it out of my head. First, I have a question, do you have the song version out on any platforms or will you because I would genuinely listen to this.
Okay, okay, into the actual review. I picked this apart to try and find any sort of mistakes or weak sections and the only thing that stood out to me (and it may have been a choice of prose) is when you say "my face a canvas, my tears (there is not supposed to be a comma here) the paint" and then repeat it again "my face a canvas, my tears the watercolor" I think you may have the opportunity to strengthen the message by either using the full repition or coming up with a new metaphor (also because I'd really love to see what else you can do).
Overall, this is so so rich with so many allusions, alliterations, similies and metephors I am honestly a little overwhelmed. I think you have an incredible talent and if you are not in any creative writing classes, god, you would thrive in one.
Okay, I'll stop rambling. I love this, I will be coming back for more. Have a lovely day and happy writing!
Hello! Thank you so much for reading my work! I'm so glad you came back; I really appreciate the review! I don't have it out, but I might post the actual song on YWS when I am available in a recording!
It was mostly a choice for rhythm <3 I added it after figuring out the melody! It's the pre-chorus of the actual song, so I just added it in (because pre-choruses don't normally change as much as the rest of the songs (beside the actual chorus)
Thank you so much for reading! The metaphors might be quite overwhelming at times (on purpose) because I want it to have the sense of like a frenzy xD
Thank you so much for reading! I really appreciate it!