Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence and mature content.
I made a book trailer! Click here to watch it: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A4-72TLaRdE
(Author's note: Hi! So this is the first chapter from the novel I wrote for my MA Creative Writing degree, which I got a distinction in. I want to edit it again in hopes of turning it into a real novel. It's technically a sequel to a story I wrote aggeessss ago, which is why some of it feels overly explanational in the start, because I didn't want to rewrite the original scenes where the world is taken over by the crawlers. I hope you enjoy and feel free to give feedback! Part one consists of around 10 chapters, part two of 10, and then part three might be a bit longer im not sure yet!)
Kurt Blake shook off his boots with the sigh of an old man. He shrugged off his plaid jacket and hung it up on one of the pegs behind the front door, then he took off his hat, gloves and scarf, tucking them away neatly in the box by the stairs. After stuffing his feet into his battered slippers, he shuffled into the small kitchen of the cottage and started making himself a cup of tea. As a kid, he’d often given thought to what he’d like to spend his retirement doing, admiring his grandfather's dedication to the farm. Perhaps he would build a bigger chicken coop, start making new flavours of cider, learn how to make woollen jumpers himself. He just hadn’t thought he’d feel like he needed to retire before he’d even turned sixteen years old.
Nestled away in a hamlet in the Aberystwyth countryside, next to two smaller, neater farms, Manor Farm and Hafan Wen, the farm had been his family’s pride and joy. At times, Kurt thought his parents had cherished it more than they cherished him or his younger sister Katie. When his parents had inherited it from his grandparents, they’d changed the name from the Welsh Brynderwen to Mulberry, much to his grandfather’s dismay. His mother said it was always her dream to own a farm named Mulberry, after hearing the name in a book when she was a child. The farm became known for its fresh produce and sweet apple cider, sold every Saturday in town. That had been life, for the most part.
Steady, ordinary, predictable. Maybe a little bit dusty and old. Just the way the Blakes liked it.
Then, three months ago, when Kurt had just turned fifteen, and Katie was eleven, everything that they knew as normal was turned upside down and inside out. The fences that once kept the sheep in now kept the monsters out, and the name Mulberry no longer felt like home, only a reminder of what had been lost. The farm itself was grieving. The fields lay unploughed, the orchard overgrown, the sheep unsheared. Kurt didn’t like to think about it too much. Just get on with the day–to–day– that was his motto. What happened three months ago had happened, and life remained. What was the point in moping or panicking?
'Lola!' Kurt called as he flicked on the camping stove and began boiling water for his tea. 'Check the radio, there’s supposed to be a broadcast tonight.'
Lola-Rose had lived on Manor Farm, across the road from Mulberry. She was pretty, or at least Kurt thought so, with long blonde hair tied back into a high ponytail and earthy eyes that could stare right through you. One look from her and you either felt ten feet tall or two inches small. Most of the time, Kurt fell into the second category.
He turned his head and watched her enter the room. She was holding a tiny lamb, feeding it from a bottle.
Kurt sighed. 'I thought I told you to keep animals out of the house.'
She put the bottle down on the counter. ‘He won’t feed unless it’s from me. The others push him off, and he’s too weak to fight back.'
'But you’ve imprinted on him now. I know you’re missing Jasper and Nolan, but-'
Lola put Bayley down on the floor and crossed her arms. 'Don’t patronise me. I’m fine. He’s fine. End of story.’ She tossed her hair over her shoulder with a huff. ‘What’s this about a broadcast?'
'Oh, Cry was on the frequency earlier. There’s another broadcast tonight.' He poured the boiled water into his cup over an already used tea bag. They had to be sensible, rationing the things they couldn’t grow or make themselves.
The ghost of a smirk crossed Lola’s face. 'I guess we’ll see if it’s important then. Should I drag everyone out of bed?'
‘Don’t bother,' Kurt said, stirring in some milk. 'It’s probably just an Ident message again, someone’s brother or sister found. I thought you’d want to listen, in case, you know-'
He looked at her face, not wanting to say something wrong like he usually did when it came to Lola. She hadn’t spoken about her brother or cousin in some time, but three months ago, it was all she could focus on. Now, whenever he brought it up, trying to be helpful, she would bite his tongue off about it.
Lola shifted around the kitchen, cleaning up after Bayley, who had found a box of cereal on the floor and was happily munching his way through it. ‘We might need to hit Screwfix or Toolstation again,’ she said, ignoring him. ‘We need more weapons, and since ammo for the shotguns is low, I’m thinking any sort of axe or knife will do. I know they sell - sold - hatchets and things like that. Blades for the Stanley knives. Maybe even a chainsaw.’
Kurt smiled weakly.‘We’re safe here. It’s not like in town. We don’t need more weapons. We barely get any strays. We’ll be fine for a while.’ He took a sip of tea. 'Pebbles said she felt something big was coming, didn’t she?'
'You believe that nonsense?' she laughed, sweeping up Bayley’s mess. ‘I thought you were better than that, Kurt. Last week, she predicted that a ‘blue girl’ would save the world. You want us to put faith in that?’ She started spinning around and dancing with the broom, singing some old song. ‘I’m blue, da-ba-dee, da-ba-di!’
Kurt sighed, though he wanted to laugh as he watched her spin, her hair flying out around her. It was nice to see her laughing. ‘No, of course I don’t believe her. Not really. But wouldn’t it be nice if it were true? I mean, there’s no harm in having a bit of hope, is there? Hope is what has kept this place running.'
'You’re what keeps this place running, Kurt,’ she said. ‘Hope doesn’t tend crops or mend fences. Hope doesn’t look after animals and orphaned kids. You do.’
'Yeah, and Hope’s my middle name.'
A faint smile tugged at Lola’s lips, but it was gone as quickly as it came. Kurt offered her a sip of his tea, but she shook her head.
'I’ll go put the radio on and see what this broadcast is about. Where’s Katie?'
'Probably with Cherry. One of the kids was sick.'
Kurt followed Lola through the kitchen, down the hallway of the cottage and into a small, dark room at the back, no bigger than a cupboard. It smelled faintly of wax and damp wood. Kurt lit a candle and sat down next to the radio, a small, battered Sony ICF-5900W that Lola had found when looting the industrial estate. She reached out and turned the radio on, switched it from AM to FM, then turned the stiffening dial to the secret frequency. 94.5 MHz. Sometimes, when Lola wasn’t around, Kurt would twist the dial slowly across all the frequencies to see if anyone else was out there. It was always just static.
He slid down the wall and sat cross-legged opposite Lola. 'I used to hide in here when I was little. It’s where my mum kept the spare bedding. I’d hide underneath it. No one would find me for hours.'
'Hide-and-seek with Katie?'
He shook his head. 'Mum and Dad used to argue a lot. Katie could sleep through it, but I couldn’t. Running the farm was stressful for them, I think. I barely remember what it was about, only that I wanted them to stop.’
She studied him for a moment. ‘Take it from me, the shouting only stops when they divorce.’
The pair sat in silence for a moment before the static crackled into a few beeps, dash-dot-dash-dot, repeated twice, standing for CC, or CryCast. Then, the voice came through. It was disguised by a harsh filter, cold and mechanical like a malfunctioning robot.
'Ident News. Three people picked up by the Shadows are awaiting collection at ST4-W. I repeat, ST4-W. Benji Newman seeking his older brother, Jack. Megan Burns seeking her boyfriend, Peter. Macey Ernest-White seeking her cousin, Aubrey. Thank you.'
The static returned. Kurt reached a hand out and gripped Lola’s shoulder gently. 'I’m sorry.'
'It’s fine,' she shrugged, shaking him off. 'Jasper wouldn’t be stupid enough to go with the Shadows anyway, especially not with Nolan depending on him.'
'The Shadows can’t be that bad. Not all of them.'
Her eyes snapped to his, sharp as a shattered glass bottle smashed on the stone floor.
Kurt winced and cursed under his breath. ‘I’m sorry. That was a dumb thing to say.’
‘Well,’ she said, tucking stray hairs behind her ear with deliberate precision. ‘I’m going to take Bayley back to the barn. Are you off to bed?'
Kurt hesitated, watching her back as she stood up and moved towards the door, and wished that he were better at saying the right thing. 'Yeah. Same old routine tomorrow, eh?'
Lola laughed. 'You know, I do think better than before, in some ways. I mean, I certainly don’t miss school, for starters.’'
'You don’t miss your parents?'
She spun around to face him again. ‘I don’t think about them anymore.’
‘I’m sorry,’ he offered, unsure of what else to say.
‘Stop saying sorry all the time; it’s not your fault. You can’t fix everything!’ Lola snapped, storming out of the room.
Sighing, Kurt pushed himself up and blew out the candle. He shut the door behind him and quickly ascended the creaky staircase up to his room.
He undressed and slid between the sheets of his parents' old bed. It had made sense that he and Katie kept the cottage. Lola had moved from Manor Farm into the spare bedroom at Mulberry a few weeks back, and given her old room to Cherry, a girl from town. Kurt hadn’t questioned why, though he knew it had to be something more than Lola simply wanting to be closer to the lambs. Part of him secretly hoped that she liked him in the way he liked her, but he knew neither of them would ever admit it. Kurt slept in his parents' bed, whilst Katie kept her bedroom. The attic, dingy and cramped, now belonged to two kids who’d made their way to the farm looking for refuge-- Pebbles and Rev. Cherry looked after three toddlers, Ben, Alys, and Anwen, over at Manor with a boy called Malcolm, and Hafan Wen was occupied by two Welsh-speaking boys, Bryn and Cai. They had become like family over the past few months.
He thought about how lucky they were, that they’d all carved out their corners of safety in the wreckage of the countryside. But even in this temporary calm, he couldn’t shake the feeling that something was shifting. That something big was coming, as Pebbles said. He only hoped that it was something good. As he drifted off to sleep, he dreamt of the blue girl and saw her running down the hill.
***
Lola scooped up Bayley and carried him out of the back door and across the farmyard. He nosed at the sleeve of the riding jacket she was wearing. It was too big for her, the cuffs frayed with age. It had once belonged to Jamie. Kurt didn’t say anything, but he noticed. He always noticed. And she always noticed him noticing. Burying her nose in the lamb’s soft fur, she hurried to the barn. It had just started raining. Bad weather was a blessing these days because the Invaders hated it. Most of the ones that made it this far into the countryside were weak, hungry, and easy to outrun anyway, but some of the strays had a way of tricking you, making noises that sounded like a person shouting for help. She would never fall for that, never again.
'Here we go, Bayley, out of the rain,' she said, reaching out for the bolt that kept the barn locked. Her hand scraped into the wood of the door instead. 'Huh?'
The door was unlocked, and the heavy bolt was already slid across to the right. Lola knew she had locked it after fetching Bayley earlier. She always locked it. Safety was her job, her duty on the farm. Every door, every window, checked and double-checked before nightfall. Every fence-line walked until her boots wore deep grooves in the mud. There was a sturdy, four-foot wooden fence around Mulberry, and a rougher chicken-wire fence around the edge of the hamlet that she and Kurt had put up back when it all began. Her shotgun, the one Kurt had trusted her with, wasn’t at her side. It was back in the kitchen.
Lola pulled the door open. It creaked loudly. The pale light of the moon shone over her head, illuminating the sheep just enough. She clung to Bayley a little too hard as she counted. Ten ewes, two lambs, discounting Bayley, and one wether. They were all there, safely behind the bars of their pens. She scuttled in as quickly as she could and placed Bayley down beside his mother.
Why hadn’t she brought a torch? Or at least a hammer or a wrench, from Kurt’s grandfather’s toolbox by the back door. Stupid, that’s what she was becoming. Kurt had a way of lulling her into it, a way of getting her to let her guard down more and more. Bonfires, cooked breakfasts, the way he smiled at her; it was dangerous. Her boots crunched over the hay as she took a step back toward the door. If Rev or one of the Welsh-speaking lads had unlocked it without her permission, they were in for it tomorrow. She was about to head back to the house, almost convinced everything was fine, when…
Snap!
Lola immediately whipped herself around in the direction of the noise. 'Hello?'
There was rustling in the far corner, behind the old, broken tractor. Lola took a deep breath and marched over, unsure where she found the bravery from. There was something crouched in the corner, just a black mass, shuddering, teeth chattering. Lola froze, unable to see what she was facing. Its eyes snapped open, and suddenly bright white orbs were staring at her. Its head cocked slowly to the right, then to the left, like it was studying her.
Lola had never been alone with one before. It seemed to be smiling, and slowly the smile stretched wider and wider, until all its decaying, blackened teeth were exposed. A low, wet rasp hissed from deep in its throat, guttural and spluttering. Then, it lunged, jaws snapping, teeth flashing in the dark. Lola screamed, stumbling backwards and crashing onto the ground. Her palms slipped as she scrabbled for balance, tears pricking at the corner of her eyes.
It stopped, now on all fours, less than a metre away from her face. Something spluttered out of its mouth onto the ground, landing with a squelch. Lola squeezed her eyes shut and prayed hard. Her mind raced, filling with images she’d tried hard to forget, of the Shadows, of Jamie, but it coughed again, forcing her back into reality. It sounded like something else was caught in its throat, and so Lola took her chance, pushed herself up onto her feet and made a dash for the door.
‘Lola!’ came a voice from behind her as she slammed the door and rammed the bolt across. ‘What’s wrong? What’s happened?’
Kurt was running toward her in his dad’s oversized dressing gown, shotgun in one hand, torch in the other. The navy robe flapped ridiculously around his legs like a cape, but his face was deadly serious. Behind him, Katie was standing on the back porch, her bright red hair shining under the moon.
‘There’s an Invader in the barn,’ she cried, pointing at it. ‘A stray. I locked it, Kurt, I swear to God I locked it!’
Kurt cocked the shotgun with a loud clack and stepped towards the barn. ‘How did it get in?’
‘I don’t know!’ Lola snapped. ‘I checked the perimeter earlier, twice! Don’t you dare look at me like it’s my fault.’
Kurt hurried towards the barn. He pressed his ear against the door. Lola caught the tremor in his breath before he masked it.
‘I can hear it,’ Kurt muttered. ‘You ready?’
Lola nodded slowly. ‘I’ll get my gun.’
‘No, I’ll do it.’ He passed her the torch. ‘You open up, I’ll shoot.’
She clamped her lips shut, biting back the sting of protest. Always his way.
‘On three, okay?’ Kurt said. ‘One, two, three!’
Lola unlocked the door and pulled it open, shining the light inside. The Invander was crouched in the middle of the barn. Its clothes were torn, skin slick with blood, head twitching. More blood glistened on the floorboards. It was gorging on something. Kurt stepped closer, Lola following behind him. It looked up into the light and gargled, and Lola could see it had ripped open one of the ewes. Entrails slopped down its chin. Kurt raised the shotgun and fired. The Invader’s head snapped back violently, then it slumped over backwards, hitting the floor with a wet thud.
‘It unlocked the door,’ Kurt said, voice low. He shook his head and turned to Lola. His brown eyes looked straight into hers. ‘They’re learning.’
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142,247 Literary Works • 677,082 Reviews
oops i realised it didn't keep my formatting of indenting new lines and speech, oh well XD
I see there is already many reviews on the chapter, and I don't want to go over on the same points as them. Kurt is a compelling protagonist for me, and I liked his dynamic with Lola as a budding romance. The other characters mentioned don't have much place in the chapter and introducing them could outline the world more. Having children with no adults is an interesting narrative idea and the characters are written like realistic teenagers to me. There is some areas with exposition that could be more shown than told but the dialogue made sure my enjoyment was fulfilled. The descriptions of the creatures were very creepy, especially the detail of it tilting its head. I am interested in what may happen next.
Hey, Rev! This is Alex, here to review Crawlers as promised. I must warn you that I can be overly critical in the initial chapters of a novel, but loosen up when I get some more familiar with the setting and characters. Please bear with me till then, and I hope you find my nitpicks at least a tad bit helpful. Without further ado, let's get into it~
This phrasing makes me think he's not actually an old man, in his body at least lol. I do like how you use it portray how tired he returns, presumably from farm work. It's always commendable when writers manage to convey something without actually saying something so well done! The setting description following it was most captivating, it felt like I had entered your world for a minute. Very eager to be on the receiving end of such good writing <3
Hmm.. the third phrase here felt a little off? The first two make perfect sense, but I think the 'admiring' part confuses more than complements the sentence. I believe you can do away with it, but of course it's upto you!
A personal nitpick- I think that for a name which is about to repeat so much, you should be picking something easier to pronounce. I'm still having a little difficulty catching that, and that could just be due to English not being my first language, but still something to keep in mind. Maybe you could give the place a nickname like 'Abery'? Also, I do think you might have stretched this sentence just a bit long (having to use too many commas). I personally don't like them since they can dull out the meaning towards the end and would recommend you keep them shorter and easier to follow, but it's your story ultimately.
Okay I LOVED this personal tidbit, definitely connected with me since I picked the name Alex here because of my similiar fascination with it (though I didn't necessarily change it from something else lol). I think it makes the narrative much more deep and characters more humane- you're doing great.
This writing style has always been my favourite. To describe a thing so extensively, only to lay out the possibility for the other more unexpected one. It adds a sense of duality and potential for surprise and change. I do wonder what their life is like when it's not going like the most times.. It seems like we'll be jumping into a little backstory on the zombie situation, especially how it became as bad as it must be today.
This confused me a bit and I didn't quite catch that name again. I'm not best known to keep up with them and it is the first chapter, but I think it could've been pointed out more obviously.
I do like the idea but I think repeating these similar concepts takes away from the impact you were establishing. The 'inside out' seems to be dangling in vain, you might want to cut it off.. But then again, only you get to decide that!
I reallyyyy liked this juxtaposition because of how dystopian it sounds- loving the hopeless vibes till now!
Oh my heart, this hits even worse JUST after we were told why that name was special- to establish attachment only to burn it was certainly a clever move, rev.
I like this suggestion of a romantic budding between this two. But I just hoped that it'd be little more subtle this early. Laying everything out at once has its own sets of advantages but making the readers realise it themselves offers a much more rewarding experience. Just saying!
Either I'm just dumb or the wording was a little tricky, but this went completely over my head. What did you mean with this?
And I meet your oc from the review template contest! =)
I do think it's an interesting choice for a name, but I fear that makes it easier for misinterpretation. I got it since I knew him from before but a reader could think it's meant as 'oh, shoot. (I) was on the frequency earlier (and maybe this happened)'. I know it doesn't read as smoothly as your obvious version, but it could bug someone who can be dense at times (aka me lol). Maybe refer using his surname instead?
Show and not tell- I can what you did there, rev! Quite a difficult thing to master, and I commend you successfully pulling it off without a problem. You're turning out to be as good of a writer as I imagined you'd be. ^-^
I do think there's a right way to bring up such heavy topics, but I am also of the opinion that the other party should also not be mindful of their loved ones who slip up in consoling them because they're not gone through it themselves. In such times, it's more about the intentions and care than results. I understand and sympathize with her pain, but also think she's being a little too harsh on him here. I wish she were more understanding that it doesn't come naturally to him. Kurt seems like a good guy, but Lola seems to give off that rude and scornful vibe from her. It could be that she's just hurting though, so I'll give her the benefit of doubt for now.
I find it inconsistent that someone who rations this seriously (so as to use a tea bag twiced) would let a lamb eat some precious human food like cereals. It seems like something that farm people may not have much of, so it just sounds wasteful. Maybe you could've shown him take away the box saying they don't have enough of it to spare for the lamb and would've been more in character and at the same time, amplifying of the dire situation?
Lola is certainly a complicated characters, but I love them much more than predictable ones. She shuns all serious talks and seems to be emotionally unavailable. I hope you decide to give her a development arc someday, where she learns to work through her issues.
That's a very appealing prediction, I wonder if it has any ground and if it'd actually turn out to be true. I'm not surprised by Lol's cynic standing, but it looks to me Kurt believes it only out of hope for better times, which makes this recent struggle worth it
Aww, sweet! I think this was a very good way to sow the love's seeds, and perhaps better than the first drop. It's subtle and could be platonically interpreted as Kurt being just happy to see their friend after a long time. Gotta keep those readers on their toes!
Well I definitely think Kurt is being a little too defensive here, and I'm not sure if I appreciate a love interest having that effect on him. I see the narrative support them, but these two genuinely don't seem good for each other, at least right now. That aside, I do understand his stand since I already predicted. Sometimes you want to believe in something not because it is likely but because it could keep you going. Everyone needs something to look up to, as I'm sure these kids faring by themselves must be having a tough life. It also begs the question- what happened to all the adults?
This might be the best thing you wrote in this chapter, rev <3
Lola redeemed herself exceptionally with this. They might in fact work out, since she actually sees him and helps him fight his insecurities. His reply is so cute too ahhhh. Like both said things you wouldn't expect- a bitchy Lola being heartwarming and the gloomy Kurt cracking a joke. Consistency takes the back seat when something this good comes into action. You've outdone yourself, give yourself a pat on the back!
I think it should be a comma (first one), instead of a '.'
That seems fishy. Either you've already thought this through and a have a decent explanation ready in the next chapter, or I've just spotted a plot hole. Correct me if I'm wrong of course, since I don't have a clue how radios work. If Cry broadcasts, there are sure to be others listening in. Then they must all have radios? I'd think that means technology can be intact- why doesn't no one else broadcast then? It seems rare for only a single person to have cracked the code, like what's so special about him?
The way you've captured abuse here is so touching.. it's simple and yet pulls at your soul. I was blessed enough to have a happy family, but from all the serious television portals I've seen, this seems pretty accurate. The brain goes to erase that trauma, my heart goes out to him <3
As true as that might be, this broke my serious trance in a not so good way. So Lola has the same trauma but seems to be competing or (wo)mansplaining it to him? This habit of hers is kinda annoying me, and from consistent it's been, I don't think to be a flaw of the writing but the character herself.
Again, we see Kurt be perfectly emotionally tuned guy who tries his best to console others. I actually quite like him! He's humble, and even entertains the possibility that he says the wrong thing when this is literally him. I believe Lola might be the one manipulating him to believe that, that's why I've been a little wary for her.
A lot of context that I don't get- who's Nolan and who are Shadows and what is happening? No real elaboration follows so I guess this felt very empty to mention since it's not easy to understand and offers no help?
Again, I get that Lola must not feel better from those comments, but I'm not a fan of how she's reacting. Her character is horrible and unexplained in a way that feels off putting to me, but the first chapter must be too early to dive into her. I really hope you explore them soon though!
This didn't make sense to me at first and only did after I returned to the line before. It's very subtly but still lacking a few words in it. Maybe 'I do think I like it better than before' is a way simpler way to put it.
I think what bothers Lola is that particular word, maybe she feels like it's a way of him pitying her. She's definitely having a breakdown, though it feels undeserved since we don't the history and depth of her loss just yet. This may have been more impactful if delayed, but it's not too big of a deal. His problem isn't sympathy but expressing himself and her pain is too fresh for her to act rationally. This little fight definitely seconds that they have tension, guess we'll see how you move with that. But before they become a thing, Kurt would have to grow a spine and Lola will have to work on that attitude.
That is an important, and I'm kinda surprised Kurt never asked her this. He does seem like the kind who'd think it rude to pry but I think letting someone stay in your house is reason enough. I believe there's something interesting behind it, and I'd like to see if Kurt will finally ask her one day or he finds out by accident or some other possibility!
The new information seems like it tells us more about the characters, but I'm afraid at the cost. Rev, the romance is coming across a little too obvious. I think it would've been a superior choice to make the readers speculate a little and you could've revealed it ch 4-5 to modify the stage of it. I do wonder how their story will progress though, because it seems like a dead end right now. But I'm sure a lot is still left to go down. These people are going to go so much that we'll hardly recognise them!
Aye what YWS reunion is this XD Also, is this review inspired by you? Because then I'd be hooked lol
See, he says he doesn't really believe in it but dreams of it! I don't know how I feel about a love interest who shames the lead for believing something, and him hiding it front on them only to think about it later. It raises a lot of red flags for me and I simply cannot support this relationship in its current state.
Really like you diving into the details of the struggle here! It makes the crisis feel all the more real and ties evrything together. There's also these peculiar changes in perspective- like you don't love the rain because it feels beautiful, but because it hinders the monsters. It's a little saddening, but that happens to be your goal. Great going!
Oh my, that's scary.. Things that eat brains HAVING brains would be a whole lot worse. But the last quoted line in this really caught my attention- what does again mean? Did she have a near death experience with one before? I hope you choose to expand on this further down the plot where maybe she revisits her trauma.
Insane plot twist! But it makes me think if a thief opened it. Isn't this a dystopian where resources are bound to be short? I'm surprised we haven't heard of humans turning against each other yet. Maybe it's early and they're in the countryside where the problem hasn't reached to yet so it still makes sense. I do think it's the weather that makes it the main problem really- otherwise I'd just expect a kid nearby entered and thought to play in it. Though I guess that does sound wierd in this grim world, so just overlook my silly ideas.
I get what you're trying to say here but I think it could be made clearer with 'was checked' or switching to active voice. It works but it's a little difficult to comprehend in the beginning, you know.
That sounds like a big oversight, but I guess it is a consequence of their often telling themselves that the danger is not here yet and the whole romantic tension with Kurt is definitely getting to her head as well. I believe this was a crucial moment too- because now she isn't battling with her own fear but also fighting unarmed on top of being alone. The risks have doubled, and I'm hooked to the intrigue!
Not having any resource on hand is definitely bad, but I'm more focused on what you did after it. She doesn't seem to treat Kurt well most of the time, but that seems to be her way of dealing with a love she can't control. Maybe she built these walls around her and is not having a good time seeing them break. I get that frustration with letting herself fall like this, how it's eating her alive. She's being her own worst enemy, hating love like that is sure to have a toll on her sanity. This definitely shows how in it she is though, now all we need upis for her to find a healthy way to deal with it.
Oh my, the horror! You've written a zombie too well and realistically Rev, I'm getting scared across a screen ahhh. And I'm saying this as a guy who watches horror movies alone at 3AM and goes to sleep now problem. The animal instinct and humanoid body are portrayed so terrifyingly- color me impressed.
Chills! I'm speechless, Rev. I guess I wasn't the biggest fan of Lola but this is brutal. Please don't let her be that character that dies in Ch1, that'd destroy me.. It's her very recent crashout combined with her past inexperience with them that makes me worry. The tear at the corner of her eye was soul crushing, Rev. It feels like the final surrender from a girl who knows she is about to die. Whatever you may say, death riles up something in one us that's matched by no living situation. A helplessness and instinct for survival, which died out when you see no way out.
Oh my, rev, you scared me there! The writing was commendably captivating throughout this part and it was like a rollercoaster to endure. You genuinely made me think we might lose Lola, something so extreme for the first chapter yet I bought it with all my heart- you're damn convincing.
Yeahhh I think it kills the vibe. I don't want comedy to break the trance here, but for you to build on something complemented by this tone. You might want to do away with this as well.
Well I think she really doesn't have a polite bone in her body but at least I know now she doesn't mean it. But I think at a moment this vulnerable, it'd be fine to break her personality as she focuses on pleading her case instead, desperately maddened by the fear association with how close she came to death.
The little things they notice in each other, you're really laying the foundation even if the apartment is a little wobbly. Guess you'll just remake that later, I'm thinking it'll turn out beautiful indeed! =}
I do wonder what this little resentment is about, what other things does Kurt insist be done way, how does it affect Kurt and should I be know about it by now?
I guess that's the least prize we'd have to pay anyways. A little numb that it wasn't a total win, but cattle over people anyday. The visceral way you describe it eating though- chef's kiss!
What a mind blowing end! And for me to think imitating human voice was advanced enough.. The sheer possibilities this gives rise to is pretty much endless. I am a little skeptic of Kurt's overly sure tone- how does he know one of the younger kids was 100% not messing around and left the gate often. If it's indeed the Crawler that opened it, it's a horrifying situation. But there's no evidence to confirm it whatsoever. But then again, I guess he has been a believer- that must include bad things too. Either way, this plot twist shook me to the core, rev!
Wow.. this was beyond excellent, rev. I have read some good novels on here but never a better first chapter. LL was very having-second-thoughts (no offense vent lol) and WoS was a little confusing and overwhelming to say the least (wait ig that was the prologue though, still). But the premise here is within grasp yet so brilliant in angst, tension, hopelessness and danger that I never seemed to catch a break. Some elements felt unneeded (sentences I pointed out) as they were fighting with the overall plot and damping the overall influence. But other than that, everything flowed effortlessly. This has been a moving read, thank you for sharing! I'll see you in the next chapter soon enough~
Love, Alex
Let's hope you're not intimidated by unnecessarily long reviews now *very anxious*. Please know that for me, words = love and Tikaa will advocate. It's been a while since I wrote something this long though..
Hi Alex!! Aaa thank you, i love long reviews, they are sooo helpful so don't worry!
Firstly, I completely understand about the pronunciation! However, these are Welsh words and names, since the book is set in a real place I probably won't change them. Mainly because I can map the journey onto a real map, but also I started writing this for my degree at university and the university is in this town and plays a part much later! But don't worry, it's nothing to do with your english! I should include a guide on how to pronounce them though. Aber is the short version of Aberystwyth, so I would totally use that later on. It's pronounced ' Aber -- rist -- wiff' here's someone saying it
And hafan would be 'havan' since in the welsh language, F is pronounced like a V sound -- fun language lession there XD
Blake is Kurt & Katie's last name, so I was saying like, just the way their family liked it, but I totally understand this, reading it back, it sounds a bit odd!
So, one look from her either makes him feel tall (so, seen in a good light, like she's looking at you with such a positive expression and we know he finds her pretty so like, it makes him feel big) or small (like the look is very disapproving and makes him feel bad about himself) That's what I meant hopefully that makes sense, I can see why it doesn't quite land.
okay that's such a brillian point, i'm definitely adding that to my list of edits to make
Okay this is a brilliant point too, and i did sort of have an answer but realised i don't remember what my research was on radios so i'll have to look it up. Kurt' Radio is like your standard radio, one that you can't broadcast FROM, only recieve. And so perhaps most children with radios also have the same feature. Character later on use walkie-talkies and so can tune in to different channels and actually talk back to Cry, but i'm guessing since they know which frequency to use for Cry and their own team, they wouldn't be broadcasting across random frequencies? I AM GONNA HAVE TO RESEARCH NOW SO THANK YOU!!
This is a fair point, and though who the shadows are will become relevant soon, i actually struck that bit of the convo from the chapter in my doc since it opens up a plot hole and I forgot to come back and edit this version so yeah you're totally right here
you're right, I think i meant to say 'I do think ITS better than before'
haha i wish my character Rev was like me.. i always include a character called rev in my works just because.. why not XD
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aa im so glad you liked the horror aspect and I love your commentary here! It's just so heartwarming how you interact with the whole story
thank you so much for the review, it made me so happy to read! i must get through something of yours in return, starting with you NaPo thread which I already adore! I hope you'll enjoy the story from here, it does havea. lot of characters and plotlines going on and honestly im not even half done so a lot to come XD
Yay, you started reading Crawlers!! And you brought another banger of a review too xd I should just link THIS in my shoutout!
Hello Rev! What follows is the start of my long-promised review lolol. Also, can I just say? I read through the whole thing - which is rare for me to do, especially for a first draft - so all the criticisms I provide are provided with affection, and not to be a wanker lolol. This is great work, btw! Very atmospheric, very nice.
Now, let's start.
Nitpick!
Reading not hearing
Also:
I feel like this para is a better opening para than your actual opening para. If you switch the two around with requisite edits, or merge them entirely, I think you'd strike gold!
I feel like this is too much telling, and not enough showing. Maybe something like "He swallowed whatever he was about to say and studied her face. Had he said something stupid again? He hoped not. It had been three months since she'd..." etc. Ofc our writing styles are VERY different, but that sentence sticks out like a sore thumb; almost out of sync with the level of writing in the rest of ch.1
It's so hard for me to imagine this being said in a Welsh context lmao, but dw it doesn't stretch the suspension of disbelief too much - just thought it was funny.
Very nice!
Invader, no?
Thoughts:
Obviously, I've only read ch.1 out of 17 and so I won't judge too quick. BUT, some things I picked up on.
- Great scene setting and the mood is very thoughtfully constructed
- IMMEDIATELY distinct character voices which is so refreshing to read in an early draft
- The subtlety of the world-building is great; so good that it's not just "THE WORLD HAS ZOMBIES!!! SO BAD!!!"
Nothing massively negative popping out at me so far, but there are patches of uneven writing. To be expected, I'spose.
Excited to read more
Which I will do... tomorrow? Or later today if work lets up
Hellooooo!
I really liked this! I feel very grounded in the setting already, I like both Kurt and Lola, and the action ratchets up at a very satisfying pace! The latter half especially has a ton of momentum to it, and the entire sequence in the barn is fantastic.
My one top-level criticism is that Katie is kind of a non-presence in this chapter - which feels odd to me, given that there's only three characters at the farm. I actually assumed that she was dead until you confirmed otherwise - which felt a little jarring. There may well be a reason for this choice that I'm not aware of yet, but I feel like a couple of lines where she's doing something in the background would go a long way!
This entire first paragraph is really well done, and I love the little twist at the end. I will say, though, I think the wording here is a little clunky. I read it and went 'oh, that's weirdly specific phrasing' and it made me anticipate the twist right away - which is maybe slightly earlier than you'd like? I also think it just reads a little awkwardly. I'd be inclined to go with 'an old man's sigh' rather than 'the sigh of an old man' - but this is the nitpickiest of nitpicks and probably down to stylistic differences!
Missing a space after 'weakly'! Also, the pacing feels slightly off here - the progression from 'we'll be fine for a while' to 'something big might be coming' is a very natural one, but I think the turn is a little abrupt. Kurt taking a sip of tea would be a long enough pause in a visual medium, but the reader zips past it very quickly here. I'd consider adding some extra description or introspection to fill that gap a bit!
I love this little detail. It tells me so much about Kurt and Lola's dynamic - and it lines up perfectly with what we've already been shown of it, which is really quite impressive.
OH THAT'S SO SPOOKY. I LOVE IT. And the 'again' is doing so much work here! I'm very curious about it but I also just love it as a throwaway detail - like, yeah, something horrific happened. It's not out of the ordinary. We don't need to go into it. That's just what life in this setting is like.
There's a lot in this paragraph that's working really well, but something in it is bugging me.
Me right now:
It's grammatically correct, but I think the tense shift acts as a bit of a speed bump in a sentence that should really be fast-paced. I think 'Lola screamed, stumbled backwards, and crashed onto the ground.' is tighter, personally.
I am really enjoying this so far and am excited to read more!
oh my god that image is HUGE
tysm for reading! all your comments are very fair and i've noted them all down. I am so close to abandoning the chapter i'm on and re-editing the first few chapters with all the amazing feedback i've had now! <3
First of all, yay Skorpionne for starting crawlers! Good choice!
Second of all, no bad Rev, I want more chapters ò.ó
don't worry the next chapter is being finished and roughly edited as we speak !!
Hey, I saw your second chapter in the green room and thought I’d read the first one first!
The setting is amazing. I’m picturing a farm, somewhere around the Uk, I imagine, because some of the kids spoke Welsh— yet in my head I’m picturing a place like Oregon, but that might just be my fascination of that place…
It is highly explanatory, which I understand your situation in. Writing can be such a struggle sometimes, when it’s about rewriting and connecting different works. I think “show don’t tell” is the best writing advice there is. You have great descriptions of how things look in a descriptive way like that:
But in moods, behaviour and plot stuff it’s all explanations. The plot could be excused. But a lot can happen to a story if it’s instead of describing relationships for example, making little hints of how it looks like— can a big difference. I think of it as painting every scene you’re writing, and picturing it as a movie. It makes it less like a script and more imaginative. I already see your story as a movie, but some “show don’t tell” could really elevate it!
For the relationship as an example, something that would be really cool was if; instead of already making the reader understand that Kurt might have a feelings for Lola, you could—again—write little hints that the two could be a match. You could still make the reader understand the potential, but instead of saying it— writing tension, eye contact, lingering moments or touches— would do your story lots and make the readers ship the characters!!
Okay lastly, I love the ending with the horror. At the first mention of the invanders I was leaning forward in my seat!! And lean into the gore-type, highly descriptive writing on how the stray looked, it makes such a good scare!
I really liked this, im thrilled to continue. ♡
I know winter wants to do a full review eventually, but for now, you have to settle for me 😊
Especially the bold part; I think that’s the problematic part?Also also, I know what it’s like for YWS to eat your perfect formatting :sympathy hug:
I find this sentence a bit cumbersome to read:
I think it’s a neat idea to start with such similar patterned sentences as your MC takes off his outdoor clothes and switches for indoor clothes… but it also doesn’t really feel like a 16 yrs old talking? (Or at least, you said he’s not yet sixteen in the confusing sentence…) That said, it also makes the entry into your first chapter rather repetitive and I took note, unwittingly, of the similar worded sentences.
Since we are already talking abt farms here, maybe instead of writing “the farm”, you could get away with the name of their farm? Or maybe… Hm. I guess I really just don’t like the repetition of “the farm” here…
I love this entire paragraph and how easily you bring Lola-Rose to life here :3
I also like how you dole out information. I know an entire book happened before this but you’re very careful with the references so I don’t feel lost ^^
Hmm I don’t think I like Kurt’s dialogue in this one: It all starts with “We” and… I guess that is a stylistic choice but hey, I can dislike that and tell you and we all move on with “agreeing to disagree” :3
Now I’m wondering why he needs to do that when she’s gone? Like… is she against it or would she just insist on listening to the tried and true frequency?
Hmmm I wonder why the person on the radio needs to disguise their voice, even in the apocalypse. Also the Shadows… that doesn’t sound like the monsters. More like a government organization. Or maybe ppl that roam the outside for lost ppl? Since they find them and then tell the radio person to broadcast their findings?
Ok this is the first time I feel truly lost bc I don’t have all the information from the previous book: Is Cherry NOT also living on Mulberry? And how far away is Manor Farm when ppl can come and go between them v quickly apparently? Ah okay, so Cherry DID move to Manor.. while Lola moved in with Kurt and Katie for some undisclosed reason. Hmmmm I feel like there’s a less jarring way to exposit that but idk how @.@
Hmm sounds like even the monster wants to have a save place to sleep. How you first described it, just a mass that shudders, I almost felt pity o_o
Lola is being so relatable right now. Oh I am so immersed in the moment, good job!!!
I know it should sound like horror that the monsters are learning…. But if they are capable of learning how to open doors, maybe they can be reasoned with? I mean…? (I am a bleeding heart for “let’s all be friends” ok? XD)
I can see why this story got you a high grade, I really liked it too :3
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thanks so much! All your feedback is so valuable to me. I really think you're right that some of the exposition and dialogue need to be better worded. I think my intention for Kurt fiddling with the radio when Lola wasn't around was that he has the facade of someone who is put together and getting on with this new life, but in secret he is just as scared and looking for answers out there. They're in a pretty isolated area and the farms are all in the same hamlet a few miles out from the main town, so they are all within the same fences just different buildings, if that makes sense. And Lola moved to Mulberry after an incident that i maybe should have hinted at more in this chapter, giving her room to a girl who survived the incident because it reminded her too much of the person she lost. I hope that makes sense! I'll certainly take all of your advice into account!
I'm really glad you found my running commentary helpful :3 Thanks for the explanations and happy editing!
Hello! I saw this at the top of the Green Room, and I wanted to review it! And congrats on getting a distinction for this project (I don't know what that is, but that's amazing!). I don't usually consume these types of stories, but the premise looked crazy good.
The story starts out in typical fashion, introducing us to the main character, but lulling us into a false sense of security. Then, we're hit with the news that everything changed, and the characters are living in a new, terrifying reality. It's a great start to the novel, and it locks me in.
Kurt and Lola are the two main characters in this chapter (by which I mean they have dialogue), and they're both compelling. I found myself really caring for them and their situations, and I love how their characterizations shine through in their actions and dialogue.
The Invader in the barn --super creepy. There's something about humanoid creatures that sends a chill up my spine. Especially if Invaders used to be humans.
Aside from one minor nitpick I have, I think the exposition is done well. I mentioned the beginning paragraphs, but all the stuff about the Invaders, Lola's missing family, and the mysterious Shadows adds so much intrigue without giving away crucial information that could be revealed later. I will say that all of the other kids mentioned to be staying with Kurt and Lola made it hard to keep track of who's who and what their situation is. I think it's probably because they're all mentioned within sentences of each other and we don't actually get to meet them. But it's only the first chapter; as we get further into the story, it'll be easier to differentiate everyone.
Overall, this was a super fun read! I would love to see this published for real one day. I look forward to the next chapter!
many thanks for your review! I think you're right about the many characters introduced at once. Do you think it might have been better if say one of those characters was in the scene, and mentioned a few of the others, rather than just me adding about it in exposition? Thanks again, the feedback is invaluable!
@4revgreen, I like that idea! Have one of those characters come in briefly and mention what the others are doing, if everything’s okay, etc. that way not everyone is being name dropped right away, but we still get a hint of the amount of people.
LOVED this! I will leave more thoughts when I have the time and energy (which I currently do not) but yes yes, very good!!
thank you so much! I'll be looking forward to your thoughts whenever you get the time!