Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.
At breakfast, Kurt could tell Lola hadn’t slept. He could practically hear her anxiety brewing over the sizzle of the eggs on the stove. When he poured her a cup of tea, she flinched, then sat silently, staring at the swirling stream as if it held all the answers. Bayley nudged his foot. Lola had brought him in from the barn last night and had not taken her eyes off him since.
‘I’ll start reinforcing the fence after this,’ he said, putting a plate of fried eggs down in front of her. ‘I’ve got all that wood in the barn, from when the shed came down, and that last lot left from when Ja– ’ he stopped himself just in time. ‘From when we went to the industrial estate. I’ll find my dad’s ladder so I can make it taller. Maybe we can find barbed wire on the estate somewhere.’
‘I checked the fence,’ Lola said, stabbing at her eggs with her fork. Yellow yolk splattered across the plate. ‘Twice. That’s not how they got in.’
Kurt took a seat opposite her. He tried to catch her eyes, but she wouldn’t look at him. ‘No, I know. I’m sorry. I’m just saying, it won't hurt to make it even more safe. We won't lose another sheep, mark my words.’
‘I know you’re just trying to make me feel better,’ she muttered, her fork scraping against the plate as she pushed the yolky mess around. ‘But it doesn’t. It felt like it was mocking me. Like it knew that I cared about those sheep.’
It took Kurt a while to think of a response. ‘Look, all we can do is tighten security. It was only one, and we can handle that. I’m gonna call a meeting with everyone. I think we need a night watch, or a patrol, that kind of thing.’
‘You mean, Rev taking over my job while I sit here eating eggs?’ Lola dropped her fork with a clatter and crossed her arms.
Kurt rubbed the back of his neck, but before he could think of an answer, the kitchen door swung open, and Rev flew in, his black trench dragging against the stone floor as he swished around the table.
‘Don’t worry, Lols, I’m not trying to steal your job,’ Rev said, drumming his fingers on the table. Kurt hated that Rev called Lola that. He hated more that Lola didn’t mind. ‘It’s Cai you want to keep an eye on,’ Rev went on, miming the kick of a shotgun at her, then at Kurt. ‘Kid’s got itchy fingers.’
‘Morning, Rev,’ Kurt coughed, leaning back in his chair. ‘Sleep well?’
‘Like the dead,’ Rev replied flatly, then nodded at the stove. ‘Got enough for another plate?’
‘Help yourself,’ Kurt sighed. He rubbed at his temple. No one was quite sure where Rev had sprung from. He just turned up at the farm one day, right after the bloodbath, offering to help. His accent was slightly brummie, and he hadn’t told anyone much about his life before, other than he’d lost his friends when they’d tried to escape the city. He’d walked to Aberystwyth alone, armed only with a baseball bat. There was a wildness in him, something that didn’t need anyone else, but for reasons of his own, he’d stuck around.
Now he leaned over the stove, humming a tune as he cracked eggs in a pan like this was normal life. Kurt was nothing short of amazed by the attitudes of the other kids on the farm, how they just adapted, moved on. Even Katie had started to change. This morning, he’d found her taking down every picture of their parents and locking them away in a box.
‘An Invader got in last night.’ Kurt announced. Lola picked Bayley up off the floor and buried her face in his fur. ‘And just so you know,’ he added, looking at Lola. ‘I killed it.’
‘You want a medal?’ Rev said, turning his head around with a grin. ‘Killed like three down by the traintracks yesterday myself.’
Kurt clenched his jaw. ‘This one got into the barn.’
‘Got in?’
Kurt nodded. ‘Unlocked the door. There’s no break the fence. It must have climbed over.’
‘Well,’ Rev said after a pause, ‘that’s new.’ He flipped an egg and let it sizzle, tapping the spatula rhythmically on the side of the pan. ‘I guess that means they’re actually watching the fences now. Waiting for someone to screw up.’
‘I didn’t screw up,’ Lola snapped.
Rev held up his hands. ‘Didn’t say you did.’
Kurt finished his tea with a slurp and stood up from his chair.
‘I’m just saying,’ Rev continued, now rummaging for a clean plate. ‘It means they’re adapting. If they’re figuring out latches and barn doors… next its windows. The front door. Then, well, I don’t know, votes?’ He laughed, trying to break the tension, but Kurt was not in the mood. ‘Maybe we need more guns.’
‘And where do you propose we get more guns from?’ Kurt asked briskly. ‘We’re gonna have a meeting. We can brainstorm ideas then.’
Rev whistled as he plated his breakfast and took a seat at the table. ‘Pebbles pulled a tarot card last night,’ he said through a mouthful of toast. ‘The Tower.’
‘I don’t want to know what it means.’ Kurt groaned. ‘Just eat up. Then find Cherry, Cai, whoever’s awake. We’ll have the meeting in the garden.’
‘It means change, Kurt. Chaos. Loss,’ Rev said, but Kurt ignored him. ‘But whatever you say, boss. Just keep it in mind.’
From outside, a sudden low groan echoed up from the far field. Not human. Not quite animal.
Lola was already moving. She pushed back from the table, put Bayley down, grabbed her coat, and headed for the door.
‘Lola-’ Kurt started.
‘I’ll just check,’ she said, already halfway out. Kurt watched her pull the shotgun over her shoulder. ‘I need some target practice.’
The door slammed behind her.
Humming a hearty tune, Rev reached for Lola’s plate and scraped the leftovers onto his own.
***
Lola raised the shotgun and aimed it at the Invader. She hated that name. It sounded like something from a video game. This was reality. The thing was crawling slowly across the field that backed down onto the industrial estate. She could just about see Screwfix and Greggs from here, remnants of another world.
She wished she had a different gun. Something longer range. Hell, even a crossbow and some arrows would be handier at this point. She watched as the thing crawled closer to the wire fence, squinting, one eye shut, finger on the trigger. It stopped, mid-crawl, with its back still arched. Then, it rose to its feet, slowly uncurling with a lurching, unnatural grace, its limbs hanging like wet rope. For a moment, it just stood and stared at Lola. Her finger curled tighter around the trigger.
‘Stay right there,’ she muttered under her breath.
Then it moved again. It didn’t take a step closer, but it raised its arms. Lola thought it was just stretching, but then its arms locked in place, and its eyes met hers.
It was mimicking her.
Her posture. Her stance. The way she held the shotgun, one arm beneath the other. Chin tilted. Even the narrowing of the eyes as she realised. She took a step back, the shotgun shaking in her hands. The thing took a staggered half-step, its mouth stretching into a wide smile, still locked in that grotesque impression of her.
Lola didn’t wait any longer.
She pulled the trigger.
The bullet hit it straight between the eyes, and then it collapsed as the recoil thudded into Lola’s shoulder.
‘Mimic that,’ she spat, lowering the gun.
By the time Lola got to the meeting, it had already started. The garden at the back of Kurt’s house was overlooked by the smallest farm, Hafan Wen. Kurt was obsessed with tending to it. It kept him sane, kept him grounded, or at least that’s what Lola assumed. It didn’t make much sense to her. It wasn’t even the garden where they grew the food; that was fenced off further down the slope, near the sheep pens. This one was ornamental, apparently started by Kurt’s grandad fifty years ago, a winding mess of overgrown roses, lavender, old paving stones, and handmade mismatched wooden chairs.
A fire pit was burning in the centre, smoke curling up into the late morning sky like the incense Lola’s mum used to burn. Cherry was sprawled out on the grass, looking effortlessly pretty with her dark hair thrown into a messy bun. She was keeping the three toddlers busy with a few battered wooden toys and a singsong voice, her laugh carrying over the crackle of the flames.
Malcolm, Cherry’s not-quite-boyfriend, was lying on his back with his arms behind his head, sunglasses covering his eyes, radiating a calculated indifference that made him look more like a bored student at a music festival than someone trying to survive the apocalypse. Katie perched stiffly on the edge of the bench, knees pressed together, next to Pebbles, who was fiddling with her tarot cards, stopping every few seconds to push purple hair out of her eyes. The twins from Hafan Wen, Bryn and Cai, were sitting together on camping chairs, their legs stretched out, tanned hands wrapped around enamel mugs of lukewarm tea.
‘You’re late!’ chimed Rev, who was sitting on a log next to the fire, poking at it with a long stick. He pointed at her with the stick and stuck his tongue out.
‘I was too busy shooting something in the face,’ she shot back, looking at Kurt, who was standing on the other side of the fire.
His eyes flicked to the gun in her hand. ‘It got close?’
Lola nodded curtly. ‘Close enough.’ She crossed the grass and leaned the shotgun against the back door. ‘As much as I hate to admit it, Kurt, but you’re right, we do need to do something about that fence.’
After clearing his throat, Kurt clapped his hands together and said, ‘Right, the meeting restarted. Lola, tell them about last night, and then we’ll go back to brainstorming about defences.’
‘One got into the barn and killed a sheep,’ Lola said. ‘It must have climbed the fence and unlocked the barn door.’
‘But the Invaders don’t do that,’ Malcolm said, taking his sunglasses off. His small, sharp green eyes glinted in the light of the fire. ‘They’re not interested in animals. They always go for us. And they’re stupid. Slow and stupid.’
‘Yeah, well, this one wasn’t,’ Lola snapped. She glared at Malcolm, whose smug face stared back. He always had to be right. ‘And anyway, what would you know? You’ve never even shot one.’
‘I’m a pacifist!’ He said, raising his hands. ‘I’m against the very idea of guns!’
‘You think holding up a peace sign is going to stop them tearing your face off?’
‘Look,’ interjected Kurt. ‘It means they’re learning. Getting smarter.’
‘The one I just shot was mimicking me. Copying my movements. They’re studying us.’
‘So we need to reinforce the farm.’ Kurt pointed at Malcolm. ‘You’ll have to learn to shoot, I’m sorry. We’ll start this afternoon, but first, I need you to help me and Katie with the fences. We’re gonna use those old pallets and maybe scavenge barbed wire and make it impenetrable.’ Then he pointed at Rev. ‘You’ll share night watch duty with Lola; you could take one of Bryn’s horses, if that’s okay with you, Bryn?’
Bryn shifted in his chair, rolling one shoulder back. He was only twelve, but tall for his age, with a calm, practical air that made him seem older. ‘Yeah, sure,’ he said. ‘I can lend a hand. The mare’s used to me anyway. I can teach you guys to ride, if you’ve got the patience for it.’
‘Yeah, me too,’ Cai said, leaning forward, jigging his knees up and down a mile a minute. ‘And if we’re reinforcing, we should make it fun. Like, a proper maze, with secret turns and false walls. Booby traps! So if they get in, they’ll wish they hadn’t, like!’
One of the toddlers, Ben, spat out a mouthful of grass and started to cry. Cherry pulled him onto her lap and comforted him. ‘I wish I could be of more help.’
‘You’re helping just by looking after the kids,’ Kurt smiled. ‘But maybe we could start teaching them some sort of protocol too? To run and hide if one gets in?’
Lola scanned the group, watching as Pebbles whispered something into Katie’s ear.
Katie raised her hand. ‘Pebbles wants to know what happens if they just learn to get through the new fence?’
‘They won’t,’ stated Kurt, looking at Lola. ‘Will they?’
She wasn’t so sure. She tugged anxiously at the edge of her sleeve, eyes flicking to the horizon, scanning for any sign of them.
‘I’m going to see if CryCast is broadcasting,’ she said, to no one in particular.
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142,241 Literary Works • 677,072 Reviews
This is, technically, a damn near perfect chapter. There are a few niggles here and there (how can anyone "ask briskly"? That's like saying "he took a condescending walk in the evening"), but it's so good! As someone who can't take zombie apocalypses seriously (let's be real, any quarter-competent military is wiping the floor with zombies), I am able to set aside my tendency to roll my eyes and engage seriously with your world.
Why?
Because your characters are so good! And each of them feels so vivid, and their voices are unique. A lot of fiction, even bestsellers, has voices that are indistinguishable from each other (I'm looking at you, Leviathan Wakes). But my god, your characters are so good.
That being said, I think there is one thing to note and it's almost structural. I don't feel like the Invaders "learning"/"evolving" is handled with the kind of gravitas it should be. I think you should give it a LOT more space. I think it deserves it. Maybe it's something you do in later chapters, idk yet, but in this chapter it definitely needs more space. It doesn't quite land as hard as it should.
I hope this helps
i'm sure i have head 'asked briskly' before, because briskly just means in an active, quick, or energetic way, and so she asked energetically and quickly, but im gonna research that haha, unless it is just a quirk of my writing because taking a condescending walk sounds like something i would say... lol.
but tysm for the comments about the characters! I guess thats always my favourite aspect of story writing.
The learning/evolcing thing should be slower, i guess since this si 3 months in it is is slower in the world for the characters but it does mean i skipped a lot of buildup so that is 100% something im going to work on!
Glad it helped and, ngl, I've never heard or read asked briskly before lmao
Hey, Rev! Happy review day <3 Alex is back with another review for Crawlers. Let's dig our claws right in~
I feel so bad for her here, Rev </3
Sure she had her flaws and was definitely not my favourite but nobody deserves to go through the trauma that she just did. To have such a close encounter with a gruesome death at the hands of savage beast must be so terrifying, my heart goes out to her. The way you capture the toll the incident has left on her is simply remarkable- the eye bags, the flinching- it's all too real to deny. Especially loved the imagery of the eggs sizzling to mirror her anxiety since it suggests that when it comes to her, Kurt can sense beyond what is explicitly said. And that really is all the fodder you need for the day you start to start a fire from the sparks flying between these two. Despite everything, there really seem to be made for each other.
It is moment like these that show how hard he is trying, but the rather long time its taking him makes me sympathize with her as well. While he is working on what one must not say, she bears the consequences of his capability as her healing wounds are scraped at everytime. May not be ideal but is certainly believable, and adds a complexity to the relationship that they must overcome before coming together. Very eager to see both of them go through the needed development to become a better person overall!
While that is simply the fact here, I do not like how easily she pushes off accountability. If there were any other person in her place right now, they would be feeling guilty about the least possibility that they screwed up, and that's definitely the more natural and appreciated reaction. I am not against different characters but this portrait doesn't help for appearances sake. Though if you were looking for a way to make her more layered, you definitely succeeded! But I still can't help but think about all the lost potential where you could have shown all her inner's spiralling thoughts as she considers again and again if it was indeed her fault.
Personally, I don't like this phrasing. Someone not meeting your eye is often times an admission of guilt, something far from the case here. I believe that there must be a better way to put this, since you don't want giving the reader the wrong idea that it could have really been her. I still think the desperately pleading and crying alternative would have float more effortlessly with her repeated claims of not being the one responsible.
With all that happened I really think Kurt has the wrong priorities right now. It's definitely consistent with his awkward character, and I think he needs to work more towards the bigger picture. If he would have come a second late, Lola would've been dead. Maybe he could have led with that, or it could be that he didn't and Lola feels offended by that decision? You could also show an inner thought of Kurt that he didn't go with this 'none of us will come this close to death again' statement so as to prevent panic between the younger kids. This way, you could validate the doubts readers may be having while still staying true to your character's limitations.
And that suggests it had more of a brain than they give their kind credit for. I feel this does a good job of doubling down on their suspicions of the invaders learning to be smarter. It was also quiet clever to bring back that scene which invoked such visceral imagery, as you replay it in the reader's mine. Double impact with a single writing!
This really made me wonder if there are any functioning governmental organisation right now.. I know all the adults were taken so it's near impossible to have such a thing still standing. I feel like this is more of a job of the protective institutions, and would have like of one of the characters mentioned it, in maybe a flashback to the old times? I also believe this idea faded pretty quickly in the narrative, since there was no seen showing the protagonists divide night watchs. I really believe that would have tide down the realistic element, but found lacking. Even a come to me tomorrow evening and we'll workout a schedule would have been acceptable, than mentioning it but going nowhere. Just a nitpick though!
Finally, the frustration in her finds a way out! I believe this little breakdown was long overdue, and it couldn't hurt if you chose to expand on it a little more. I do think you might be overdoing it with the eggs though.. maybe Kurt asks her to go rest instead?
Jealousy, I see =)
A nice subtle hint towards it!
Well I sense they're going to be quite some fun. Given the director circumstances and hopefully boring leads though, I'm certainly not complaining lol
I'm not sure if it's just Kurt but this story very often avoid asking fairly important questions- first with Lola moving in and now apparently, Rev too. I suspect or protagonist is a people pleaser or just hate confrontations. But even if he were hesitant to ask, I think it would be realistic to see him wonder on it a sometimes himself.
Interesting, and mysterious. I can definitely see the wild edge that is there to him, but find the City part a little unconventional. Firstly an average city boy escaping to the countryside is impressive enough. Then there is his apparent ability to thrive at farmwork since we never hear of him having a hard time. His continued Jolly nature also advocates against any kind of struggle. I see a lot of potential and cannot wait to see what are your plans with him!
They had them up still- how long has it exactly been? I think the entire back story on what happened to the adults is missing to the point that we do not have in a closure to move forwards. Did there own parents turn into crawlers and the kids had to shoot them? I think we're missing out on a lot, and any judgement of the protagonists dealing with the loss without it is empty. Everyone copes different too, so it could always be that too.
You missed an 'in' here!
He definitely like to rile one up, doesn't it? A little problem at but I think he is just what we need.
So they're an astrology person- awesome! And the tower? Oh my.
I was about to go on a whole tangent about what the tower means but I guess you got it covered already XD
An upheaval awaits- I wonder if it has to do something with the crawlers getting much more dangerous as they develop thinking. Also, Kurt's said ignorance is most fascinating here. He did believe in the prediction about the blue girl, but not this. Tabhi actually not think this is true or really wants to believe it's not? He claims he doesn't believe in superstition if they don't give hope and I guess this definitely checks out. But is he really not lying to himself?
Oh my, this scene! Obviously she is more sensitive to the sound and I think that was portrayed impeccably. Her feeling of uneasiness is also most justified. It's at least just slight comfort to know she took the gun this time, so the odds are more in her favour. I thought this occasion finally gave her the opening to act on her over thinking rather than drown in it, and so I love that chance for her.
And they just don't care, I still can't decide whether I love or hate them..
Got to agree! I wonder how they explore the name crawler and decide to switch to it. Is it going to take a discussion?
They're bipedal now? I'm not liking the pace at which they're evolving..
Not original, but still brainy. It's at least at the level of several animals right now, except for an exponential hunger and particular liking to human prey. But the scene was so horrifying to imagine, Rev! I watched a horror movie today and it didn't scare me half as much as reading this. I think it's the part about leaving things to anticipation that really makes a writing come alive.
Maybe it's a family tradition or memory? As he's said several times before, he feeds on hope. This seems to be his fodder to me.
Well it certainly has the history to support my guess. I think gardening could also keep him busy from over thinking the worst scenarios about how the future is going to turn out. But that's very much what Lola was going for.
It seems everyone else is happy? This disparity is a little too suspicious to me as what could the leads we doing so different than the other protagonists that they still haven't move down while everyone else seems to be getting along just fine. Maybe they choose not to? I think it's nice plot decision though, since we can see there internal struggle of being the only ones still stuck in the grief the world has moved down from. I could understand that for Lola it must mean keeping hope for finding her brother. And for Kurt, it might how to do more with his emotionally suppressing nature.
The worried expression really got to me, it sounds so genuine with tinge of fear in it. I can clearly see how the thought of her in danger is enough to affect him so much.
I do wonder how you plan to explain this later (hopefully). It could be that we're just preferred meat, since that invader did go for the sheep. Are we tastier? What are we also not a much more difficult prey and so not worth it?
Well well it seems everyone except our soon to be couple has an attitude here XD
He would be a normal kid in our world but with the mentality like that, he is so screwed in an apocalypse.. At the same time, I love how they get a laugh out of me even in such horrible circumstances.
Okay he same a mature and likable character! Reliable and responsible unlike the kids, and doesn't seem to have much baggage like our lovebirds. I think he's going to be my favorite!
You stole words right from my mouth. But I guess you really are the genius writer who manipulates the reader in a particular direction of thinking to make the possible afterall..
I wonder if you could make the sound a little more poetic like she told the sky maybe? It would serve the better and even sound better.
All in all, another great one, rev! One major highlight this chapter was how you kept predicting my reactions beforehand, perhaps owing to the predictable scenarios. But it's always commendable to stay one step ahead from the reader and intercepting what I have got to say like that really made me feel seen, and my thoughts feel valid. The new characters were like a breath of fresh air as well, and I like how there personalities lied on different parts of the spectrum. They are still all very realistic choices, now where that brings out the gloomy aura around our leads so well. Because if everyone is happy what is keeping Kurt and Lola from truly moving on? I think it would feel very rewarding if there was in fact a reason to it, like a traumatic backstory. I'm really curious to see how you make Lola deal with her fresh trauma, how Kurt eventually unpacks his emotional weight and the way their romance progresses. Loved this one, thanks for sharing! Onto the next one I go~
Love, Alex
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Rev was an edgy but cool character and I liked his dialogue as it brought some humour. The meeting introduces us to the rest of the cast in person, and does this in a way that introduces all their quirks and personalities. The two welsh boys could have had more lines and perhaps some interaction beforehand between the characters that was not about the meeting could show more of this personality. The shooting of the crawler in the field was in my opinion creepier than the first encounter. The young children in the story are perhaps under used and seem more like they were thrown in as a last consideration to show what happened to the youngest children and the older have to care for them. It could be nice to see them as characters more.
OHHHHHHH ANOTHER BANGER OF A CHAPTER OH MY GOD. The slow-burn tension is SO well-executed, I am on the edge of my seat and I am so excited to see where this goes!!! I think I am in agreement with drstellapepper that this is the strongest one so far - it feels like the story has really hit its stride! Once again, I do not have that many suggestions!
I love this sentence. So much characterisation in such a short span of time, and the image of Lola staring into the steam is so vivid in my mind.
WELL COLOUR ME INTRIGUED.
What an entrance! Am I right in thinking that there's some Spike from Buffy the Vampire Slayer inspo in here? (Possibly it's just the black trench coat making me think that, but the dialogue also feels very Spike-inflected to me lol) Spike is one of my favourite fictional characters of all time so of course I love Rev already. Obsessed with this edgelord, and very interested to see if this is a front he's putting up or if he actually is this unbothered. Either would be interesting!
Oh Katie
You're missing an 'in' here...
...and I think this should be 'it's'.
UH OH. THAT'S NOT GOOD.
The intense Britishness of this story makes me clap my hands with glee. I love this. Will say, though - as much as I appreciate the Greggs representation, it feels odd to me that there would be a Greggs on an industrial estate. Maybe this is just indicative of where I've lived? Idk, I feel like a Greggs is more likely to be somewhere with more footfall; industrial estates tend to be very car-focused.
OHOHOHOHO THAT'S SO UNSETTLING OH MY GOD. Once again doing the sickos "YES... HAHAHAHA YES..." at this entire passage.
Moving directly into the meeting after this scene feels like you're shifting gears a little quickly. The crawler mimicking Lola is SO extremely spooky, and I think the moment deserves a little more space to let the dust settle and the implications kick in for the reader.
Oh my god, Malcolm, buddy. This made me smile so wide.
I am also very very intrigued by and curious about Pebbles! What Is Her Deal.
Another fantastic chapter
tysm for your review!! I think you are right about needing a beat between the shooting and the meeting
i work on an industrial estate, and we have a Greggs! it's for all the tradespeople to eat whilst they are on their break XD since everything else on the estate is hardware shops and builders merchants etc, but maybe it is specific to wales / where i live because i've not seen another one on another estate. Because the place is very rural and there's nowhere else to get food for a while so i guess they thought hey here's a good business opportunity!
The places in the story are all real so i've been meaning to make a map so show where each character lives and the journey they take to hopefully visualise it more. I might work on that so i can include it in future chapters haha
ALSO YES HE'S VERY INSPIRED BY SPIKE I LOVE SPIKE!! I even had a character in an old abandoned novel of mine who becomes a vampire and called himself Spikey and tries to be like Spike except he's 15 and english..
Yay, new chapter!
It's the morning after the attack last night, and I'm so glad that the characters are acting rationally. Immediately plan a meeting to reinforce security around the farm, teach ppl to defend themselves, utilize resources like the horses. But I also have a sense of foreboding that something will go very wrong very soon.
The scene with the Invader was so creepy; it's mimicking her movements, smiling at Lola. And they used to be people too?! Now I wonder if the kids will turn into them when they turn 18.
This chapter also introduces us to the rest of the kids living on the farm. I think you do a good job at establishing most of their personalities early on, showing us how the stronger-minded ones clash with each other (and the fact that most of them are strangers to each other). Rev made the strongest impression on me, but I like Cherry too. Still, they could benefit from being fleshed out in future chapters. I'm not sure if we will only see the points of view from Kurt, Lola, and Aubrey, but maybe a chapter or section from one of the other characters' perspectives could help.
Also, question: How old, roughly, are all the characters? It would help me visualize better what they look like.
Great chapter! Looking forward to the next one!
thank you for your review! The main characters, Kurt, Lola, Aubrey are all around 15 or 16. Rev, Cherry and Malcolm are 16/17, Katie, Pebbles, Bryn, Cai are around 12 ish. I should try and mention that somewhere when I do my edits! I realised I didn't describe much of what they look like and are wearing, so I will definitely fit that in somewhere
I think I have mainly done those three perspectives but im glad you think another character's perspective would help as i am currently writing a section from Rev's point of view, and there will be one from Katie's eventually. I
thank you for your review! The main characters, Kurt, Lola, Aubrey are all around 15 or 16. Rev, Cherry and Malcolm are 16/17, Katie, Pebbles, Bryn, Cai are around 12 ish. I should try and mention that somewhere when I do my edits! I realised I didn't describe much of what they look like and are wearing, so I will definitely fit that in somewhere
I think I have mainly done those three perspectives but im glad you think another character's perspective would help as i am currently writing a section from Rev's point of view, and there will be one from Katie's eventually. I
Thanks for the clarification! I realized too that we don't get much physical description about them, but yes about describing their outfits. The types of clothes characters wear show so much about their environment, living situation, and their personalities.
Good afternoon~ Let’s see where the crawlers take us now!
Also a very interesting reaction—probably normal considering their parents (presumably like every other adult) turned into monsters.Ohhh “That’s not how they got in” Oh that sounds ominous!
Interesting that she got that impression from the crawler when it left a completely different one on me. Maybe you had to be there…
I like the short recap paragraph abt Rev!
Tho idk how he could hear what Lola and Kurt were talking about—was he eavesdropping for the best moment to waltz in? XD
Also poor Lola, that really got to her, huh. I guess this is not the moment to tell her that she literally cannot be everywhere at once and a second pair of eyes is not the end of the world?
Oh this feels v deliberate:
Now I wonder if the scare is over or if the kids turning 18 NOW will also have to content with the fate of becoming monsters?
Sounds like Rev is just casually out there bashing in crawler heads while no one is supervising him…
I wonder what made him say that? Is it something he observed during his crawler killing sprees? Because that is kind of a leap, right? To say that they are watching after hearing they can climb the fence? It feels a bit like a non-sequitur at Lola’s expense.
Meine Rede! (Just like I said!) Maybe they can be reasoned with and maybe Rev (when he stops for a moment in the killings) is the vehicle for expressing that sentiment!
I like how you describe the crawler mimicking Lola. The entire scene has something unsettling. Well done! I still wonder if there is only the horror of them learning there or if this could also present an opportunity.
…well it probably means once the crawlers murder all the remaining children that they can potentially raise a new intelligent species on Earth. I mean look how far they’ve come in three short months…. (or was it five?)
Well now you are just tempting fate, Lola:
That’s an oddly specific comparison and I wouldn’t have expected Lola to describe someone like this:
Ohh like in Attack on Titan! So this is why Lola thinks this might have been a trap! Or that the crawler “knew” she cared abt the sheep. But… I kinda got the impression that it was eating the sheep? Maybe I remember the scene wrong ^^°
I’m not sure why this means that Malcolm needs to learn how to shoot. I get that this is a kid talking to another kid. But… I guess there are enough other things Malcolm COULD be doing, even during an attack: like keeping the children save, or handing over ammo or reinforcing the fence or just coordinating everyone. Idk much abt him but to say that he has to shoot feels… short-sighted.
I really like the different dynamics during the meeting. Some things come a bit too short, like Malcolm’s rather random pacifism that gets overruled so easily, but overall I felt you had a good balance with your characters here ^^
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Thank you so much for the review! I always love your observations. I always imagined Rev probably was eavesdropping, and that he also is what my dad calls a 'wind-up merchant' so was probably just trying to get a reaction out of Lola by some stuff he says. I think you're right about Malcolm- Kurt probably could find something else, because i mean the last thing they need is someone not comfortable with a gun and they end up hurting another kid or themselves, so i'll need to have a think about that. If cherry is looking after the kids, maybe malcolm could be in charge of stocking up on food or something. And you're right about the bored music festival comment, it does feel out of character for Lola, who's more of an animal lover, outside, naturey type girl than someone who would go to music festivals. Maybe I could throw in her dad took her to one and she hated it XD
Oh I do like that last one abt her hating the festival
I don't think Malcolm has time for food when they are under attack but if Cherry is better with a gun, he could take the kids from her during that time?
@Tikaya oo that's actually a good idea. It subverts the idea that the girls should be the ones looking after the kids and the boys need to fight. I might turn Malcolm into a babysitter and he gets jealous when Cherry becomes awesome with a shotgun XD
Lol I had to giggle at that so yesss!!!
Oh, this is by far my favourite chapter. It feels as though you’ve really landed, or maybe me as the reader has landed— understanding place, characters and just everything to a full extent.
A thing that couldn’t leave my mind throughout the whole chapter is how well the personality’s of the characters are written. I think that’s my favourite part of this story so far. Second would be the invanders, I think they’re so cool. But the characters, I’m thinking of Kurt, Lola and Rev, have such distinct personalities that achieves great dynamic. Yet they all have one thing in common— they’re all fighters. And that’s so freaking cool.
Now I’m curious to know more about Cherry and Malcom. You have a lot of characters in your story, which I find really hard to write personally, but I think you could manage it. It fits an apocalyptic story really well. I’m excited to read the fourth chapter. I want it to be a more engaging, action type chapter. But still, that might create a weird balence of the chapters when the first one is calm, second action, third calm, and fourth action. You don’t want it to be predictable. So advice is, to keep the thrill, make the choices as unpredictable as possible, but still able to work. That is going to mind blow the reader.
Another one of my favourite details is that the invanders can mimic the humans. The realisation for everybody that they’re getting smarter starts a burn towards that something real bad is going to happen, with that new power they have. It’s perfect. Good job
Thank you so much for the review! And you know what, you're so right that the next chapter needs to be action-based. I wrote this last year and I've just checked chapter 4, and it's a very similarly paced chapter, which I know I will definitely have to re-jig when I edit it. I think these few chapters I was working hard to establish the MANY characters (i wrote this for my master's course, and my supervisor literally told me off for having too many characters, RIP to all the characters I had to cut XD) but for the course I only had to write the first 15,000 words of the novel, so I kinda had to squeeze a lot into those words. I think after chapter 8 it should feel a bit more naturally paced as I didn't have a time/word limit lol. But tysm for your kind review, I'm really happy you're enjoying it!