fy enw i yw // my name is

(fy enw i yw is welsh for 'my name is')

text version:

fy enw i yw // my name is
i understand it now, that feeling
that sinking in the gut of my being
that hole that eats and eats
that sheep that bleats and bleats

when i was born they gave me a name
and now i shake it off like
a dog shaking rain from its wet coat
a dog pining for love at the foot of the stairwell
the front porch drenched from a storm that
i did not invite in

and when i shed that name i lock it up
and when i throw up i can taste it
dainty and bland like petals
plucked from my stem

on the internet i have no name
on the internet i have no body

but still my intestines twist
each end in the bloodying hands of
a little girl learning how to skip
a little girl chewing at her lip
and when she swings the rope
i come undone like a loose thread that
you pull from your sweater
you pull from my sweater

I love this! I will try to review later, but I just wanted to say that this makes me think of the book "The Namesake" by Jhumpa Lahiri, which is an incredible book that follows the significance of a name.

Hiiiii! Mph from Team Bees here! I am once again here to review one of your lovely poems!!!

Ok so starting with the title, I looked it up and apparently it is Welsh for ‘my name is’, which is super cool. I really like this poem, and it hits hard for me specifically because I have also changed my name.
I think my favorites parts are probably:

a dog shaking rain from its wet coat
a dog pining for love at the foot of the stairwell
the front porch drenched from a storm that
i did not invite in

and when i throw up i can taste it
dainty and bland like petals
plucked from my stem

but still my intestines twist
each end in the bloodying hands of
a little girl learning how to skip
a little girl chewing at her lip
and when she swings the rope

Hello! I changed my name a few years ago so I really identify with a poem about shaking off an identity! There's so many great images in here. I love the scene with the dog, and the gory last scene, and the concept as a whole, so I already think you did a great job here. I just have some suggestions for tightening things up and tying things together.

I think in some places it seems that there are lines that you've used because they sound very pleasing together, but the images don't quite fit with the rest of the poem. For example, "that hole that eats and eats / that sheep that bleats and bleats" - the sheep is only mentioned once in the poem, so it feels a little out of place to me, even though the rhyming of eats and bleats does sound really good. Skip and lip in the last stanza feel similar in this way, so I'd think about why the lip reference is there, and if you can give it more purpose, because I feel like at the moment it's a great rhyme but adds another idea into the mix that isn't quite bedded in.

Then a new animal is introduced, the dog shaking off rain, which I love as a simile for shaking off a name you were given. It works so well. One suggestion here, "a dog shaking rain from its wet coat" - we know the coat is wet because you already said the dog was shaking off rain, and the fact that it is on its coat is implied, as it can't really be anywhere else. So you could tighten up this line to "a dog shaking off rain" or similar. Then, I really like how the rest of the stanza zooms out a little to expand on this scene with the stairwell and the porch.

I also understand the lines about having no name on the internet, but they do feel slightly out of place because the internet is not mentioned anywhere else in the poem. Another part that adds a different idea that isn't fully explored is "and when i shed that name i lock it up". This puts me in mind of the name being locked in a shed, even though that isn't the type of shed you mean here - I just thought that was interesting! But this isn't returned to, so it may help to say where you are locking the name away, to help this part add more to the poem. The dog is so clear, but the locking away doesn't give me anything to visualise at the moment. Is it in a shed? Are you locking it away right there in this scene, in a cupboard or under the stairs, or going out to the garden? A safe, perhaps? Show me!

And then we have the image of a girl skipping with bloodied intestines, which is so goth, I love it. It does mean the poem takes quite a turn, though! This made me wonder if it's worth splitting the poem into sections, maybe with a couple of asterisks between each scene, to show there's lots of different ideas going on. But I also have some ideas about how you could tie things together more closely too - I'll get to that in a second.

And finally, the two lines about the sweater, I really like them just as they are. The repetition is very pleasing to me and I think the flow, or even disruption of flow, works really well. The only thing there, is that now this person is being introduced, this "you" - who is now being spoken to? They weren't being addressed for the rest of the poem, at least as not as far as a reader could tell. If the rest of the poem made a small mention of this imagined reader, this line would fit better, I think. Or if you were happy to get rid of this "you", could the little girl pull the thread from the sweater instead? But I really love all the different variations of strings here - intestines, skipping ropes, jumper threads.

In conclusion, there are so many great ideas here, I just wonder if they could either be tied together a little more to take the reader more gently from one to the next, or completely separated, for example into sections. Or if you pick the stronger ones, (for me that's the dog stanza and the rope stanza) and focus on those, and consider removing the ideas that are only mentioned once and briefly, for example the sheep and the internet. You could even cut stanzas one and four completely. There is also an opportunity, I think, to link up the stanza about throwing up with the one about intestines, since they are both body-related and a bit gory. And then maybe you could somehow return to the dog at the end - put him back in the scene so that everything ties together. Maybe the dog could pull at the sweater?! These are just my ideas but I hope it helps to show how your many wonderful images and scenes could all work together a little more seamlessly.

uh oh, a Butterfly has landed to consume your work !

hellooo juke here, I’ll be using the butterfly review template to review your work as part of Team Butterflies this Review Day! (muahaha that’s right rev, i’m using your own template against you)
let’s dive into it !

The Egg

i think the first thing that really smacked me in the face here (in a good way) was the Welsh title, i love pieces of work that incorporate different languages because it gives their piece a lot more depth. some might say that the poem as a whole would be more effective if you swapped the first two stanzas’ order, but imo they’re fine the way they are ! in fact, the 2nd stanza kind of explains the 1st, if that makes sense (?) like you set up this foundation in which you (the narrator) describe this innermost gut-wrenching feeling, and then transition it into an almost-explanation of why you felt that way. am i spewing nonsense ? maybe ! but that’s just my interpretation.

The Caterpillar Hatches

the line

when i was born they gave me a name
and now i shake it off like
a dog shaking rain from its wet coat

i come undone like a loose thread that
you pull from your sweater
you pull from my sweater

i come undone like a loose thread that
you pull from your sweater
a loose thread that you pull from my sweater

i come undone like a loose thread that
you pull from your sweater
that you pull from my sweater

that hole that eats and eats
that sheep that bleats and bleats

and when she swings the rope

the front porch drenched from a storm that
i did not invite in

when i was born they gave me a name