Bing!
After five minutes of Maya panicking, the group airdropped the video to everyone on the bus, and no doubt they were going to do the same at school.
Panicking, Maya picked up her phone. She opened the video and after watching it felt like vomiting.
They had only recorded the bad parts to make her look like the bad guy. She was done for.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. What do I do?! Everyone’s going to see it, and I didn’t know I said that!!! Oh my god…
She felt nauseous and woozy. They had cut the video at just the right time, so it looked like Maya wasn’t defending herself, and that she instead was insulting Anya out of the blue.
On top of that, because they cut the bad parts, they made it look like Maya had gotten Anya in trouble for defending herself, and had made a rude
face when she went by to sit in the front of the bus.
Normally, she’d have time to fix something like this, but they were five minutes away from school.
If she commented on the video, it would only make it worse. If she went back to the group, it would only make it worse. If she told a teacher, it would only make it worse. And if she went up to Anya, it would not only make it worse, but probably make it impossible for her to be respected ever again.
I’m just going to have to let the video circulate…
Anya thought she had never heard such a bad idea her entire life, but that’s when she realized, it was the only choice she had.
What do I do! Basically my entire life is online. My only friends, the people who try to lift me up before I go to school. Everything!
I wanted to draw attention to myself, but not this kind of attention! And whats going to happen when I get to school and she shows that as her “proof.” Then not even the teachers will look at me the same.
What do I do!!!
Mayas spiral was interrupted as the bus lurched to a stop.
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142,652 Literary Works • 679,293 Reviews
Hi Ed, Noirmont here to review!
Off the bat, a couple of things I'm seeing/thinking about:
Hot off the heels of Chapter Two, I lost sight of the fact that we were on a bus. This is probably because there are very few references being made to the bus, and the fact that there was a standing confrontation between Maya and Anya made that part of the story lose a bit of believability for me. What might help here would be some various descriptors throughout the fight to remind the reader of where we are. Perhaps even in response to the action. Let me know if you want more clarification there!
Additionally, I find myself immediately skeptical that the video was filmed, deeply and precisely edited and sent within the span of just a few seconds (at least that feels as if that's the speed in which it happened). I think I'm just having trouble giving over to that reality. More convincing, perhaps, would be if we experienced her receiving this video upon arriving at school. Just a thought!
On another note, her spiral is very well executed. You've done a great job thus far entering Maya's psyche and being able to illustrate where her head is at in response to any given event. I'm really enjoying that about this story and am looking forward to seeing more!
It was a pleasure reading your work, as always. See you in Chapter Four!
Ok, thank you. I did have more trouble with this chapter than the others.
Ok, thank you for the feedback, I made a small edit to chapter two, and some edits to chapter three to make the time frame more believable. I also added in another mention of the bus, so even if the reader gets lost they can ground themselves back to the setting again.