The sun rises & so do you
(See: a natural thing, occurring daily)
& as it fills the sky, glowing brightly
You stretch and shrink and shield yourself
So as not to get in the eyes of others
This: is your existence
You, as a star, etched of dust
Breathe in beauty & exhale sun rays
Covering your mouth & nose as you do so
You don't want to shine any spotlights
You don't want the attention on you
Other beings, sculpted of the same stardust
Glimmer & burst & sparkle
& you see them capture attention, awe
But you watch as some are dimmed forcibly
For being too eye-catching, too radiant
(See: inevitability, varied light sensitivity)
So: you cover your own glittering skin
You want to see everyone happy
& you will darken yourself to maintain it
(See: inattention to one's own needs, self-destruction)
You forget stars were made to sparkle
Suns designed as bringers of light
You were not meant to dim, to deflect
Your direct light is fine to fall on others
Who may shield their own eyes
As your energy is best unhidden
(See: a sun begetting life)
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
142,252 Literary Works • 677,086 Reviews
I love the imagery and I think I finally know what a poem is, words describing the indescribable. It's not just about the feelings, it's about describing the feeling with words that would seem not to relate to the concepts or perhaps poems are not to be described in such a matter-of-fact way but you should dwell on the poem itself?
Hey, pebble!!♡ I just read your beautiful work. And i really liked how u used stars and sunlight to explore something so deeply human. There's a quiet tenderness to this piece that make its message feels especially meaningful.
What stood out to me most was the idea of someone deliberately dimming their own light to make other comfortable, the lines about stretching shrinking and shielding my yourself capture that feeling of constantly adjusting who you are to avoid taking up too much space, I also loved how the repeated references to starders connect everyone while still acknowledging how differently people response to one another brightness.
The third stanza was particularly striking to me, because it introduced the painful reality of people being dimmed by others rather than choosing to hide themselves. It adds another layer to the poem showing how someone might learn to suppress their own brilliance after watching what happens to those who stand out.
I especially like the ending where the speaker finally challenges that instinct to shrink the reminder that stars were made to sparkle feels hopeful without dismissing the struggle that came before it.
Overall, I found this beautiful and thoughtful piece about self expression, people pleasing and learning to accept your own presence. Lovely work!♡
~lilly, the fire dragon♡
Hey there, pebble! I'm picking up your Apothecary Collection to review, hope you don't mind. Let's get into it
~
Inspired by alliyah's knowledge base article, I'll be focussing on the following headings-
Reactions
I love the beautifully executed alliteration here (even if they're separated by and)! It also invokes a fantastic imagery for me.
Ahhhh this was so innovative! To acknowledge that a star, at the end of the day, is dust was humbling. But the way it's grounded origins don't stop it from reaching brilliance is an encouraging reminder. Excellent metaphor!
This sounds almost ironic, but intentionally so. A star is always in the spotlight, there's no way for it to escape it. Humans are tied to a similiar fate, and make futile ways to go unnoticed. Both of them should be embracing the attention, but of course, some tendencies are hard to forsake.
This was a more direct stab than the rest of the poem, and I quite enjoyed that. It's like the narrator has stopped hiding behind the sugarcoating, and finally decides to land a more crude blow.
Be yourself and let others work around it- I'm a hug fan of that message!
Voice
The voice is meant to encourage the subject to shine as their true self, and goes about it by laying parallels with stars who don't dim themselves for others. I feel like the voice is fairly consistent, starting out from how a star shines, and what the subject chooses to do differently that dims their light. The narrator highlights their self destructing actions softly, in hopes that they rise beyond them sometime. The final stanza strays in a way, but in a very satisfactory manner and only to conclude with meaning. It still carries the star-you sequence, but leans more towards the 'shoulds' now that the whats have been drawn out.
The parts in parenthesis are my favorite, since they add such a precise layer of analysis. They almost look like a even more spiritual and all knowing third party party, singing in chorus to complement the leading voice.
Layers of meaning
The metaphorical imagery of the sub and stars is impressively consistent here. I do think the grounds of comparison gets a little repetitive, with the only unique line being the first one about both of them rising. Other than that, everything revolves around the stars shining unapologetically and the subject restricting myself. I think it's just the cost of staying coherent though, and there's not much you could've done here anyways.
Purpose of order
The present sequence works perfectly, and the last two are even more rigid in their position to maintain impact. The first two seem a tad bit exchangeable, and I'm tempted to see how it'd read that way. But your version is certainly the more conventional one, since it starts with rise- the mark of a beginning.
Theme
I think this poem is about self acceptance and self love in rhe face of a world that'd prefer you be tamed instead. But if the star felt out of place in the dark and surrendered to fit in with it, how would it ever live? The meaning of the first three stanzas is pretty much the same, and is merely differently dressed in the last, still keeping its core. I was impressed how beautifully you were able to get it across, for a concept that's not at all unheard of. How clearly this message is conveyed is also commendable, perfect for the readers who may often struggle to grasp what a poem is trying to say. All in all, spectacular work!!
Love, Alex