Chapter 13

Dylan’s eyes widen.

“Who?”

It suddenly hits me, that he doesn’t remember last night’s conversation with Thorn. “My parents,” I croak out, my voice weak.

“What? Who told you that?” Dylan asks with confusion. His eyes are filled with nothing but bewilderment.

“Thorn told me.” My throat tightens, threatening to suffocate me. “She told me that she saw you kill them.” I pause for what I’m about to say next. “Is it true?”

Gradually, his gaze shifts. The silence seems to stretch so long as he swallows hard. “Oh, Little Blackbird.” I shiver as a rush of memories flood me. Memories from before. I can’t remember the last time he called me that. I look away.

“It was—” He stops, and starts again, like he is struggling with his words. “It was my first mission, wasn’t it,” he whispers, like he is talking to himself. “Thorn called them traitors.” His eyes narrow. His voice is cold and firm. “And I didn’t question it.”

I slam my eyes shut. It is true. It is all true.

“Axel took you in before Thorn could reach you.” Dylan continues, his voice tight. Controlled. “She’s always watching.”

“You really did it. You had no mercy for them, did you?” I confront. Anger punches me, and I can’t find any way to push it down this time.

“I apologize. If only-”

I laugh, sharp and bitter. “If only you knew, huh? You knew it was wrong, and you still obeyed. You did it anyway,” I spit, one word at a time. Dylan hesitates. My anger flares anywhere but down. “Why didn’t I kill you before? I should’ve listened to her.” My whole body trembles. “I spared you,” I hiss quietly, my voice wavering. “That was my mistake.” I avoid looking at him at all as I slowly back away, then turn, and run. I hardly seem to noticce the branches whipping me in the face, my feet skidding on the ground, the hot wind blinding me. His voice echoes over and over again. It was my first mission. Thorn called them traitors, and I didn’t question it.

I didn’t question it.

My breath is coming in gasps, ragged and uneven. The ground blurs beneath my feet, and I push harder. I can no longer see. Another sharp branch cuts through my shoulder, digging into my flesh, but I barely feel it. All I can think about is the truth I just uncovered.

My knees finally buckle from under me. I stumble, and the ground comes rushing towards my face. Suddenly, I feel a pair of large hands grasping at my waist. My knees graze roughly against the ground. I struggle, gasping, my panic flaring up. “Hey, hey, hey. Look at me, Raven.” I look up to meet dark amber eyes. Saber. “S-Saber…I can’t-I can’t breathe,” I wheeze, searching his eyes wildly.

“Hey, it’s okay. I’ve got you.” He crouches down low and guides me towards a nearby tree. “You’re okay. Hey—breathe with me, alright?” He clasps his hands gently over my shoulders. Inhale. My breath catches again. “That’s okay,” he murmurs softly, steadily looking into my eyes. “Try again.” Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. “Better?” he asks after a while. I nod. Hesitantly, he pulls me closer. “What happened?”

I take a breath. The words stick in my throat.

“I…I asked him.”

Saber cocks his head slightly. “It’s Dylan, isn’t it?” I stiffen up, hesitating. “Yeah.”

“About what?”

“My parents.”

“Oh Raven…I’m so sorry,” Saber whispers softly, but I can see a flash of something else crossing his face. Only briefly.

“He didn’t deny that he-” I break off, unable to finish the sentence. Glancing at him, I can distinguish something sharp under the layers. A hint. I take a shaky breath. “he killed them.”

His eyes soften. “You didn’t know. But you do now.”

I clench my hands into fists. “And what do I do with that?”

Saber adjusts his grip on my shoulders. “You don’t do anything yet. Listen, Raven, your anger is blinding you and guiding your choices when it shouldn’t be. You’re unstable, and now is not the time to make any decisions.”

“He said he never questioned it,” I mutter.

“You know that Thorn doesn’t leave room for any ‘questioning.’”

“It doesn’t make it any more right,” I shoot back. “I know,” Saber agrees. His words hang in the air for a while.

Finally, Saber breaks the tense silence. “Let’s go back to the camp and get you cleaned up. Your shoulder’s bleeding.”

“Okay,” I mutter reluctantly. He reaches for my hand, and this time, I let him lead me. My thoughts keep drifting back to Dylan. I have every right to hate him.

Saber must’ve realized I’ve slowed down, because he squeezes my hand. “Ground yourself,” he murmurs gently. I focus on the chirping of the Raverees—huge birds with incredible hearing, the swishing of leaves, and the flowing of the river.

When we get back to the camp, Saber brushes the ferns at the entrance to the side. I look around self-consciously. “You should get some rest,” Saber says. “Visit Madal. He has clean bandages.”

“Thank you…for everything,” I respond quietly. He gives me a warm smile. “Of course, Raven. I hope you feel better.”

I head to my room and lock the door behind me. I’ll visit Madal later. It’s not on the list of priorities. Flopping onto the bed, I sigh. “I don’t know anymore,” I whisper to myself.

In the back of my mind, his voice still lingers.

I didn’t question it.

I close my eyes, trying to shut the voice out.

But it doesn’t go away.

I’ve been turning and tossing on my bed for hours. The shock had worn off hours ago, but I still can’t find the right mind to sleep. Finally, I stare up at the ceiling. It’s like Dylan’s voice follows me where ever I go. You can avenge your parents…

I shiver as the smooth voice of Thorn replays in my head. I can. Then, it would be even. It would be fair. I hesitate for a moment longer, and sit up, swinging my legs over the side of the bed, and grab the long sword near my bed stand. I look down at the sword. Do I really want to do this? I shake the feeling off. Equipping my suit once again, I make my way to the post without another thought.

I creep up silently, making out Dylan’s sleeping figure. He’s facing towards me, his eyes closed.

Focus, Raven! I keep going until I’m only a meter away from his body. Am I sure?

Yes. It’s for a good reason.

It’s for my parents.

I raise the sword above my head, ready to stab it down, into his heart. Closing my eyes, I adjust my grip, curling my fingers around it tightly.

But…I can’t do it.

Burning with frustration, I lower it beside me. Worst of all, why do I care so much? Anger rises inside my stomach. He’s right there. Vulnerable. Exposed.

Watching his breathing, I raise it again, gripping it tighter, aiming at his chest…but I can’t force myself to bring it down on him. My arms seem to freeze into stone. My grip wavers.

I hate him. With my entire life. But why does this feel…wrong? Why can’t I just do it! I step back, dropping the sword lightly on the ground.

I ran all the way out here for nothing. Pathetic. Weak. “No…I’m not-” I breathe, almost inaudible. My fingers twitch slightly, and I dig my feet into the ground.

He’s defenseless. It would be a quick death. I pick up the sword again, but my arm doesn’t seem to obey, and it hangs uselessly by my side. I curl my hand into a fist, but it loosens. He deserves it. But it isn’t right. Because I don’t want it to be like this. Realizing the truth, I stumble back, a strange, empty feeling in my heart. I’m a coward. I press my lips together tightly, and slip back into the shadows, my mind racing. Before I can change my mind again, I shuffle quickly back to camp, and lock my bedroom door behind me again.

But this time, my heart pounds with something other than hatred. And I hate that I don’t exactly mind it.

I don’t know when my body drifted into sleep, but sunlight hits my face. I blink, squinting into the bright, burning sun. It’s definitely not early morning. I ready myself, and race out. “How are you feeling, Raven?” Saber asks, approaching me. “Better, I guess?” I murmur. He studies me, his observant eyes darting to my hands, which are shaking. I stiffen.

“You didn’t sleep, did you?”

“No…no, I did.” It isn’t exactly a lie. I did get a few hours of sleep. I wring my fingers. “Raven.” He looks me directly in the eyes. I look down at the ground. “What happened last night?”

“Nothing,” I reply quickly. Even I can tell by the tone that it is a very obvious lie. Saber narrows his eyes. “Alright…just tell me if you need anything?” He says it like a question. I hesitate.

“Okay. I will.”

Saber stares at me for a moment longer, like I would change my mind, and then sighs. “I’ll see you around.”

I relax as soon as he leaves me alone.

Last night.

Why couldn’t I just have done it? It would have been easier for everyone. It feels like I’m fighting myself. Or someone that I can’t see. An invisible enemy getting control over my life. Suddenly, my mind plays flashbacks. The first time Dylan met me. How he is struggling internally, fighting his own thoughts…just like me now. The times he used to talk to me like I wasn’t some stranger that he met randomly. That I wasn’t just some girl he spared.

A strangled sob escapes my throat. He isn’t really a bad person. He’s just manipulated. But how can I forgive someone who had taken away so many innocent people’s lives? The camp around me blurs as the tears well up in my eyes. I’m too overwhelmed to see straight. Before anyone can notice, I walk out the entrance, for a walk. Just to escape. Just for a little while.

My hands feel cold as I keep going, further from camp.

I blink, and tears run down my cheeks. I’m so lost. I’m so confused.

“Raven.” I jump and trip over a root, right into someone. Someone’s deep blue eyes. Backing away fast, I turn to run. “No, Raven, please,” Dylan says, lowering his voice. “I need to talk to you.”

I stop, but don’t turn around.

“I know what you tried to do last night.” My eyes widen, and I turn to face him.

“How?”

“I was awake.”

I look down guiltily as he continues.

“And…I deserve it. I know I do. But I want you to know that I was in your position once. And-” his voice breaks. “And it doesn’t do anything after you’ve ended a life that once ended someone else’s. Nothing changes, except you carry that burden of guilt on you. It doesn’t go away. Raven, it doesn’t let go.”

“I’m nothing like you!” I whisper. But is that really true? To my surprise, hurt flashes in his gaze before he masks it again. “You have every reason to hate me. And to want me dead. I won’t stop you. But it just makes things worse. Trust me. I’ve been there.”

I go silent, listening despite how I feel. The tension is unbearable, just suspended there in the still air. Then, my anger comes back in bursts. “I don’t care. I don’t care who you are as a person. You shouldn’t even be a person. What you do is not human, Ashye. You don’t understand me. So stop pretending you do!” I snap at him. Pain travels through his face at my outburst. “You were a killer. And you always will be.”

Dylan dips his head. “Fine. Hate me if you must, kill me, do anything you want.”

“You think being humble now saves you? It doesn’t undo what you did!”

His gaze looks empty now, emotionless.

I grit my teeth. “You do not get to control my life,” I grunt.

“I’m trying to prevent you from becoming me. My mistakes ruined me. Thorn ruined me.”

A pause. “I will never be like you. And Thorn did. She destroyed you. That’s why I can’t listen to your stupid little excuses. Now, move. We’re done here.”

He moves to the side with no protest. “Let it be, then,” he breathes quietly.

His answer somehow enrages me even more, but I let it slip. I can feel his eyes on me as I head back to the camp. Forget about the walk. I think it made it even worse.

Every step seems to weigh me down. Thorn’s voice echoes again. You can avenge your parents. I shake my head. “No.” I can’t. Not to Dylan. Not to anyone. I already know whose fault it was. It was all Thorn. Thorn, secretly twisting Dylan’s mind, manipulating him to do what she desires. Pulling strings over the puppet. Just to be used. I don’t wan to turn out like him. I’m not a murderer.

But I can’t think anymore. So I keep walking.

Because that’s the only thing I trust myself with.