Lonely in my chamber with them.
Them?
Them who glance,
But never long enough for my heart to chance a feeling it could call its own,
Yet my mind remembers what my heart has never known.
Why did it notice?
Now I cry -
Tear, tear, tear, until even the tears disappear.
My liquor sat rotting, my mind sat bloodless,
And my heart thumped loudly within my sleeves,
As though it too wished to leave.
Why is it not in my chest?
Why do they glance?
Don't glance.
Please don't.
I wait for him at the threshold,
Beneath the warmth of sunny snow,
Where winter glitters in a golden glow.
His shadow never seems to return;
Only the silence remains, and the silence makes me yearn.
Only I -
I with them.
Them who glance.
Them who leave.
Them who never stay long enough -
For my heart to know their name.
Yet my mind remembers all the same.
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142,267 Literary Works • 677,106 Reviews
Wow, reading this was fantastic! The voice is so intense and unique and I love the use of rhyme. I don't normally gel with romantic poems but this one got me. The feelings of pain and longing are conveyed really well.
Thank you soo much! 💓
I love this short opening; it really threw me straight into the poem! The word chamber is so interesting; there are a few meanings of it, and it could mean a bedroom or a large meeting room and it just was a cool way to get me thinking right of the bat!
I love that some rhymes are also embedded in this stanza, rather than being just the rhyming couplet at the end. It gives this stanza a very unique rhythm.
I was lost a bit here; I think the repetition of tear and then also the word 'tears' feels a bit clumsy in this sentence, since i guess when we cry so much, it's not individual tears but a stream, and maybe working that in somehow would make it flow a little better here? But I do like the image it evokes!
Here you switch to past tense when it was present tense before and is again afterwards, so it just threw me off, though in poetry it's not really an issue if there's a reason why. But I think this would make more sense in present tense. I also am curious about what 'liquor rotting' signifies to you? It's a startling image, but i wasn't sure how to interpret it! But again, amazing imagery here.
Sunny snow and golden glow is a beautiful rhyme, smooth like butter! This is my favourite stanza.
So am I right in thinking that overall, this is about feeling lonely in a crowd, feeling lonely even when you have everyone around you? That's what I picked up here, and this stanza really highlights the idea and brings it back to the beginning.
A very thought provoking poem <3
Yesss! You guessed it correctly 😁
Thank you soo much for the review!
Btw here, "liquor rotting" signifies that the protagonist is kind of an addict as well, so maybe its all in their head due to being drunk or can also mean that they have stopped caring about their liquor because the person they love is gone.
It can vary in meaning as i kind of believe that every perspective makes sense
oo okay that makes sense! I was taking it too literal i think, and thinking, can liquor actually rot?? but that is a very nice line now i know the meaning
here's a quick review(i can't write very much so it might not count as a review)
i loved the imagery and concept, but i found it a little confusing to pin what the main theme was since some parts gave off different vibes or ideas. at fist it leaned on them, then he then i. but in the end it was just them which i personally didn't understand. but i really loved the style of this poem and it was a joy to read
Thank you so much! I'll try my best to improve 🌷🥹
Woah dude!🤑
This is sick, it's really evoking emotion in me.
I love the way you described "them" absolutely amazing.
I really liked the line: "Only the silence remains, and the silence makes me yearn."
Thank you soo much! 🌷✨️
Review time baby!
Alright so a first small mistake a noticed was at the lines: But never long enough for my heart to chance a feeling it could call its own,
Yet my mind remembers what my heart has never known.
I think you accidentally added a comma by mistake instead of a period because if you meant to use a comma than “yet” shouldn’t be capitalized, there’s a similar mistake in the lines: My liquor sat rotting, my mind sat bloodless,
And my heart thumped loudly within my sleeves,
I love the way you convey string emotions of loneliness from being around people who don’t really see you and missing someone you care about, you make it very clear to the reader without stating it, you’re really good at showing and not telling.
Also the line: But never long enough for my heart to chance a feeling it could call its own,
Doesn’t make a whole lot of sense I think you meant to say chase instead of chance probably just a small typo no big deal I deal with them all the time.
Also I love the line: My liquor sat rotting, my mind sat bloodless,
I don’t even have much to say I just think it’s super damn cool.
I think there’s just some typos and awkward phrasing that you could work on but other than that I really like this poem.
I very much relate to the feeling of having people around you yet still feeling alone and not really seen or heard sometime and I think that feeling is portrayed really well.
I wish luck on your writing for the future ♡
Yess, there are a lot of typos, I should've paid attention 😭
Thank you soo much for the review!
I'll work on the remarks 🫡🌷