I sit with you when the Sun bites my skin,
I do not flinch; let the burning begin.
I see your face light up -
Oh, let it shine,
Let it burn me bright,
Let your warmth be mine.
Burn, burn, burn -
Let it burn me.
Why did you say you do not love the night?
Where Selene dances in silver light,
Where stars keep secrets out of sight,
And the downtown lights glow soft and bright.
You say you love the day -
Where the Sun will stay, where birds mock the clouds,
And chase the night away.
I wish for rain, but it won't fall,
The Sun grows brighter, burning through all I live for.
I let it shine, I let it sting,
For your smile makes my heart ring.
I want you to smile,
Just once, for a while.
Let your golden light stay a little while.
Let it burn me bright,
Let it strain my sight,
Until the final thing I see -
Is your face in the light.
Burn me.
Light me.
Shine me.
Blind me.
Let it burn -
Let it burn forever.
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142,286 Literary Works • 677,134 Reviews
Aster! I have arrived. Finally. I read through this and I thought of a relationship that hurts the narrator but it brings them such gratification? I don't think that's the word. Bear with me and my 2 hours of sleep.
The narrator is accstumoed to this. This is almost normal and it means something for them. Yet the fact that they do not flinch tells you that maybe, this isn't a good thing. This "burning" isn't good.
Okay, so this "burning" makes the other person happy? I was reading this stanza and, I may be COMPLETELY wrong, but I thought of this "burning" being an intimate act between these two. It's making them happy and it's fun, but maybe it hurt the narrator? Again, I might be completely wrong.
The narrator and this person are very different, the narrator loves the peace and secrets of the night. The person loves the warmth and mocking of the birds.
Yet the narrator wishes for rain, for relief? This person is consuming their life.
The narrator is doing this for them. They're doing something that hurts them. They want them to be happy so they'll do anything.
This person is taking everything, consuming the narrator. My only thing here is, maybe you don't need the - at the end. I can see why you'd have it but it does mess with the rhythm a little.
Overall, super good. I like the ideas here and the imagery. I apologize if anything doesn't make sense. 2 hours of sleep.
Keep living and writing!
AJ
Thank you soo much for the review 💓
But damn, get some sleepppp
*nervously laughs* I got a little sleep last night! I was finishing a drawing. It's on my wall. You should check it out...
Yeppp, goinggg 🫡
I saw this before when you first posted it but I failed to try reading it aloud then.
What a treat! Your meter is more than competent in most places. The first stanza especially had me literally grinning as I spoke the words.
As far as some problem points like hira mentioned, why not just say “burning through all” and cut off the last three words of that line? Then it’s a perfect rhyme for “fall” and you have better meter and the meaning isn’t really changed from what I can tell. I could be totally wrong though.
I would argue for switching up the formatting here to make it easier to understand the rhythm, as in
or something like that. I think the meter works great, and you have 11 syllables for each line now, making it easier on the reader to understand what you’ve done. (Cool things, I mean. You’ve done cool things.)
There are a couple rhymes that feel kind of corny, in particular “I want you to smile, just once, for a while”. Besides, wouldn’t the narrator be happy with a briefer smile? “just once in a while” has the same great rhythm/meter and feels less forced.
This should maybe be “last” instead of “final” so that the syllable count is closer to the two lines before it and we get closer to the meter you accomplish multiple times here.
As far as the subject matter goes, I had fun reading it in that way that a drama is fun. I won’t try and take a stab at what exactly the dynamic is here between the two individuals depicted but it’s clearly a very fraught one. It could be a metaphor for mental illness, or abuse, or just an unhealthy relationship or many things.
Well done overall, and multiple stanzas here make me look forward to more from you.
Great, thank you soo much!
Actually I am kind of a newbie to poetry so I've made crazy mistakes but I'll make sure to take your feedback and apply it well.
🤧🌷✨️
Hey! I really liked this one.
I think the use of light/sun imagery was really well done, especially since it creates this almost painful sensation, which then validates why the title is the way it is
I also liked how you contrasted Sun with night, and mentioned Selene, stars, downtown lights, which made it seem a little less harsh, then jumping back to the brightness of the Sun, and how the narrator would rather have the other person’s “light” than the other, was a bit bittersweet for me.
I think that the repetition was done really well here, especially lines 9 12, “Burn, burn, burn,” and how towards the end the lines were short and impactful, I think that the last part was one of the strongest because we already built up this sense that everything is consumed by light, and that’s what the poem is all about.
Something I think you could improve on is the rhythm, some lines flowed better than others, and some seemed a bit long, or stilted when read out loud with the rest of the poem. I also felt like Sun/light imagery was used a lot, maybe rephrase one or two uses to another type of imagery, would make the ones that are repeated more noteworthy.
I think I did well with the mood/atmosphere, it’s very romantic, I think the love interest is portrayed very poetically, but there is this almost abusive, overpowering aspect to the relationship the narrator is in, which was something interesting to play with. Great job! <3
Thank you soo much! I highly appreciate it and will work on your feedback.
Have an awesome day <3
<3