Another crack.
Another beat.
Another gasp.
Another leap.
My pounding heart begins to start
My shaking arms and I fear there's no charms
My hasty breath is all that's left
My screaming mind is beginning to unwind
Another crack.
Another beat.
Another gasp.
Another leap.
I slowly begin to shake; my body's ready to break
I take a shaky breath; I shut my eyes tight
I see the world unknown; how it wants to be shown
The wind screaming for the light.
Another crack.
Another beat.
Another gasp.
Another leap.
Stop. Stop. Stop.
I plead in my mind
Another cough, cough, cough
I'm slowly falling behind.
Another crack.
Another beat.
Another gasp.
Another leap.
I'm slowly fading
I won't make it; I try to say
Like the creatures of the nightly spring
And I fear that this breath is my last living thing. . .
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142,241 Literary Works • 677,072 Reviews
Hello!! Am moon.you have reviewed my works so am reviewing yours.
I really love the repetition of “Another crack. Another beat. Another gasp. Another leap.” It gives the poem a certain rhythm that I really enjoyed.
My favourite part was:
“Stop. Stop. Stop.
I plead in my mind
Another cough, cough, cough
I'm slowly falling behind.”
I don't know how to explain it, but this stanza really got me. I especially liked the repetition of “Stop” and “cough” because it made me feel the speaker's desperation.
I could really understand the emotions in this poem. The pounding heart, shaking arms, hurried breathing, and screaming mind felt so familiar to me. I know how overwhelming those feelings can be, and I think the poet expressed them well.
I was a little confused by the line.
I also liked how the wording and rhymes flowed naturally throughout the poem. Nothing felt forced to me, and I enjoyed reading it.
The ending, “And I fear that this breath is my last living thing,” really stayed with me. It made me feel understood because, during moments of deep sadness or distress, everything can feel so overwhelming that it's difficult to imagine getting through it.
Overall, I really liked this poem, and if i could rate this poem I'd give it a solid 10!!. Keep writing. Thank you for sharing
hii! beautifully written poem here!
this part in your second stanza is where it made me stumble a little while reading.
i understand what you're trying to express, though i believe that "begins to start" and "I fear there's no charms" sounds a bit odd...merely a grammar issue. Maybe try to express those thoughts, such as describing more sensory details and enhance the feeling during this scene.
this is a really impressive poem though!
keep improving and keep thriving.
im rooting for you!
Hi there jaye!
Welcome to YWS!
Now, this is a tragically amazing piece of work! I love it, you know what? I think I'm going to bookmark it. Gosh, there are some amazing poets out there!
Okay, back to work...
Praise:
This is my favourite part, mainly because it beautifully captures the internal battle of trying to regain control when your whole body is giving out.
My second favourite lines are probably these:
I like these lines because they contribute to the poem's haunting atmosphere. This is incredible.
Critique:
In the last stanza, "nightly spring" is beautiful, but maybe you could have replaced it with "nightly strings"
That is it really
Overall, this is actually a really great poem, so keep writing!
Love
Queenie
Greetings human tis I will eat-I-I mean review this poem 😅
is kinda weird cause unless they were a zombie they’re heart should’ve already been beating, so maybe instead you could say something like “the pounding in my heart began to rise” or something like that, I under if maybe you were just trying to get a rhyme but the heart didn’t start it just got faster.Staring off, I love how tragic and descriptive this story is. You did really great at showing and no at telling with the feeling of slowly dying.
I love the line “ I slowly begin to shake; my body's ready to break” fricking bars dude 😔👌
On some suggestions the line:
Also for the
This is just an idea but instead of having it be the exact thing every time you could use the same rhythm but maybe change up the words to make it a little less repetitive.
An example could be
Another whip.
Another slash.
Another scream.
Another jump.
But if you like the repetition then of course keep it this is all suggestions.
I think your grammar overall is on point can’t find much to nitpick not that I’m much of an expert on grammar anyway but I think this poem is dark but super cool and I hope you keep on writing!