Sometimes it’s like there’s two different worlds,
inside my head and outside, in the real world.
Sometimes I get stuck in my head and I have to go back to the real world.
Usually it’s someone saying my name that brings me back into the real world.
But most of the time I want to stay in my head all the time.
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142,262 Literary Works • 677,102 Reviews
Hello Renwritessss! It's AJ here for a review. This little poem/story/thing, caught my eye. I do think you could add some imagery to this. Maybe even a metaphor or simile. This relies on telling and very little showing.
I think the placement of the comma here could be moved to between 'head' and 'and'.
This sentence is a little weird. I'm not quite sure how the two part relate. I'd rewrite it as,
"Sometimes I get stuck in my head, but then I have to go back to the real world."
I really liked this! Someone saying my name is often what brings me back.
Me too. Me too. I wish I could stay in my head forever. Real world can be a lot sometimes.
Overall, there's a few things that impair the flow of this. But it's a really good idea that I think you could expand upon.
Keep living and writing!
AJ
Ooh hi!! and tysmmmm
You're welcome!
Hi!
This reads more like a diary entry or maybe just a spoken confession than a poem, but that is both a strength and a very slight weakness.
This is my favourite part. It is something I can relate to, but the specificity here is actually kind of eerie because your name becomes a tether pulling you out of yourself. It makes the inner and outer worlds feel physical instead of just stated in the piece.
I also really like the sense of progression between these two lines
It gives the piece some tension, as you are resisting leaving your head, even though at first you say you are stuck
One weakness, however, is that it relies on telling rather than showing. The idea of the 'Two different worlds' is the claim the whole poem rests on, but we never see either world or have it described to us. What does inside your head look, sound or feel like? What does the real world have in it? One concrete image from each side would transform it from telling us to showing us why you want to remain in that world. Also, the term 'real world' appears three times, which makes it a bit redundant. You could also play around with some line breaks to really signify that snap back to reality and make it look less like a diary entry and more like a poem!
Great work <3
tysm!!! I rly appreciate the tips!!!