Under one tent stitched with needles and thread,
live the sunrays of another land.
Dims into the moonlight,
that has always sung its song.
The wave lands, then follows the boat.
Chime to the craft of tricks.
Nobody can know; to search in the sea
As if searching in a fever dream.
Though we dream, though we stand,
Though we love, though we caress
To one rule that reigns—
To burn the nerves for the crown.
Let the rain be a play,
And let the buzzer buz to jolt every ray.
For they have danced in the sun stunningly.
Now they can turn to meet the sky.
And there is this dark day,
Where we don't draw on grey,
To dwell on it becomes the color of the tent.
And it made no sense,
while I searched for my hat.
Because I am the light, though I fear.
You'll meet me where the darkness lies.
Then I can understand a heart out of neon lights.
Even though the light would be gone.
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142,252 Literary Works • 677,084 Reviews
Hi! I'm here to review this poem for you today.
I'll be honest; the meaning of this was lost on me for a few minutes as I read it. I think it is about performance and its cost, though I am not totally sure. Is the tent the circus? I think all the abstraction has taken away the main image and made it harder to understand, at least for me. I think a few more concrete images could really pull the ideas together. I like the surreal atmosphere it builds up though!
I like this image here, though I suppose I am a little confused as to whether this is a real tent or a metaphorical one representing the other land. (Okay, rereading, I realise this is a circus tent, and I think you could highlight this if you talked about the fabric or colours of the tent perhaps?)
What dims into the moonlight?
Before this, there was no mention of a wave or a boat, so I feel like this needs some setting up. It comes a bit out of nowhere.
I do like the idea of searching in a fever dream, since the poem feels like a fever dream as we are being thrown about
This is a strong stanza, though I don't like the em dash, it feels random in comparison to the rest of the poem.
Buzz should have two z's
I think 'For they have danced stunningly in the sun' sounds better and less clumsy. I love this image, though.<3
Thank you so much for your detailed and honest review¡ Now when I look at it, I should have made it more clear. I wasn't thinking of the structure while reading to be honest 💧 It's about being in a tent (Earth) and we (the Sunrays) dreaming of the sky we came from as the rays (us) fall into the tent.
Have a beautiful day/night¡
Heyy! I really liked how dreamy and mysterious this felt. It honestly reads like something you have to sit with for a while because the meaning isn’t immediately obvious. The whole light, moon, rain, sea, tent, and darkness imagery gives it this strange almost surreal atmosphere.
I especially liked “And there is this dark day, / Where we don't draw on grey, / To dwell on it becomes the color of the tent.” That part stood out to me because it feels like the darkness slowly becoming something you’re surrounded by. I also liked “Because I am the light, though I fear.” It feels simple, but there’s something vulnerable about being the light while still being afraid of the dark.
One small suggestion would be to look at a few lines where the wording feels a little confusing, because sometimes I wasn't sure what the connection between the images was. I think making a few of those transitions clearer could help the emotional meaning come through more strongly without taking away the mysterious feeling.
Overall, I think this has a really unique atmosphere. It feels more like a dream than a straightforward story, and I like that. Keep experimenting with this kind of imagery because there are some genuinely interesting lines here.
Thank you so much moon ☁