The world is always shouting for a better pace,
A louder name, a faster step, a bolder face.
But in the spaces in between the push and shove,
Your hand in mine is all the proof I need of love.
I love the way you laugh when no one else is near,
The honest, heavy truths you're brave enough to fear.
And if the sky should tumble or the ground grow cold,
You are the safest story that my arms will hold.
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142,604 Literary Works • 679,109 Reviews
Hi there, welcome to WriterFeed!
As I read this poem my main critique is that it appears to have been written by AI. Some red-flags that lead me to believe this: the cutesy emojis in the title, the non-sequitur metaphors that don't really lead anywhere or fully make sense, the extremely even rhyme and syllable scheme, and the lack of personal details. I think the main draw of a romantic poem is that it comes from the heart as a personal expression of love towards the other human that you love; so it feels a little bit dystopian to be reading a love poem that feels like it was written by AI.
As a human I don't have much interest in reading what a robot has to say about another human, but I have great interest in what a human thinks about a fellow-human. Hope that makes sense!
Some stylistic tips that will help your poem feel a bit more personal and less removed / artificial:
> Make sure the lines connect together as a whole. Rather than each line being a stand-alone line that is a singular thought, try to string the lines together so that they build a complete inter-connected picture. Kind of like when you write an essay you want each of the body paragraphs to contribute towards your conclusion / thesis, in a poem, you want the lines to work together to build a complete picture. A way to do that is to use extended metaphor that continues throughout the poem or imagery that is used throughout. In the poem you have right now you use the image of "the sky tumbling down" - this is a unique image (though I'm having trouble picturing it...), it might be interesting to explore that a little bit more, I like the image of the "safest story" a bit more... that one too could be a great starting place for you.
> Another tip would be to make the poem a little more specific rather than just generally about love. What do you like about Matthew? Are there personality characteristics that stand out? In the poem you specifically name their laugh... but you don't describe it at all. What does their laugh sound like? These sorts of details root the poem in reality rather than just dream / or generality.
I also want to point out a few phrases / lines that as they are I don't think quite make sense and could use another edit if you wrote them, or just throw them out if AI wrote them.
"a louder name" -> what does that mean? What exactly is a loud name and what does it have to do with love or lack of love?
"I love the way you laugh when no one else is near" -> how do they know what that sounds like if as the speaker says no one else is near at the time? Maybe better phrased as "I love the way you laugh when we're alone" or "when it's just us together"...
"The honest, heavy truths you're brave enough to fear" -> this line doesn't make sense to me... the speaker loves that the subject is brave enough to fear truth? Does this mean they fear truth and like lies? I'm not quite following because the truths aren't explained or clarified.
"if the sky should tumble or the ground grow cold" -> strange progression because the sky tumbling is like an imaginary far-out fear (like "when pigs fly") whereas the ground is usually cold throughout winter. Would use two far-out images rather than one that is far-out and one that is typical to life.
Overall, I couldn't quite follow this poem, I suspect it is due to it not being written by a human, if it was written truly by you, would say making the poem a bit more personal and making sure all the lines build together to communicate a consistent meaning will go a long way. Good luck in future revisions! Poetry is a worthy pursuit, it's meaningful and important!
alliyah
Finally you said that. I was actually not sure if its ai btw. I hope she understands
Hi Alliyah,
I’m Ari, another poet on here, and I am friends with Piper (Princesskitty) in real life. I watched her make these poems, and she showed me the draft before she posted them. These were not made AI, and she is hurt that you think that. Her mother has actually blocked AI on her device, so she would be unable to use it even if she tried. She doesn’t understand why why you think that, it’s so immaculate because she’s been writing poems for years.
Thanks,
LittleDwagone
(UPDATE: @yoshikrab, go back to Mario. @Starve, starve. And @ADNG, just stop.)
Thanks besiteeeee💕💕 (also I use those emojis a lot by the way they are my favourite emojis they are my most commonly used )
Omg, this is so cute, I love it so much.
I really like how you rhymed and expressed your feelings about him. I am so happy for you!
Ok, I don’t have anything to criticize because this is just do good, but keep up the rhymes and poetry, your a natural!
Some things I love: I loved the part where you said he was the safest story your arms will hold. I also love how you described him as a safe place among all other things, Thats really gets to me!!!
I know it’s unrelated to the writing, but you two sound like an amazing couple and Im so happy for you!!!
Have an amazing day and keep writing!!!
Aww thanksss so so much!!!😅🤭😄✨💐