I’m here when they need me
When I hear their cries
So I tell them all sorts of lies
I make them laugh
Till their stomach hurts
And they roll on the dirt
I wipe their tears
I whisper them promises
Listening to all of their wishes
I nod my head
I smile and hug
And I’m careful not to pull the plug
But when I’m alone
I collapse to the floor
My body shakes
Like I’m ready to break
Tears stream down my face
My effortless sobs
And my sight changes into blobs
I cry out for help
Though no ones there
Having nothing to spare
I’m all alone in this world
Giving everyone my heart
Only for it to break
Right from the start
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142,517 Literary Works • 678,274 Reviews
I like the premise of this piece, particularly the contrast between the happiness you bring to others and the suffering you experience in private. There's something sad and familiar about being everyone's source of comfort while having nobody to turn to when you need it yourself.
And I do think some of the imagery leans towards familiar expressions of sadness, and I'd have loved to see you explore the emotions through more distinctive, personal imagery. Nevertheless, I like the thought behind this piece.
This poem is really relatable. It matches a lot with this I’m experiencing in my life right now and it really connects with me. That act of putting up a front in front of the person you’re caring for and not having a person like that for yourself is devastating but so real at the same time.
Anyways I love ur style! I can’t wait to see more! <3
this is great! i find it so interesting the way you've shown this person becoming someone everyone relies on, while having no one to rely on themself. the contrast between the way the narrator acts in public and alone is really good, the way the narrator is so helpful, always smiling, but then so sad when alone.
the repetition of simple actions like smiling and nodding and making people laugh, shows how forced this persons action are, or maybe how they force a smile despite their own circumstances.
i think some of the rhymes sound a bit forced, and that slowed the reading for me. though, the imagery in this line is really strong, "my body shakes, like im about to break".
The ending lines are very powerful and final and wrap it all up well, summarizing the main idea. This poem tells the story and main message well. Good job!
Hi Jaye, I enjoyed this poem of yours
To me, it is from the perspective of the fried who is seen as the 'caretaker' or the one who acts like a therapist to a lot of people in their life.
Right away, I notice your rhyme that you use throughout the poem. One thing I noticed about your poem is that you use a lot of very direct phrases where you describe what you do. For example, how you say "I hear their cries" and then explain what you do with a lot of "I" statements. This gives it a very straightforward tone. From the beginning of this poem, we see that this person is there when others need them, even if they have to lie. This shows that the speaker values fixing the situation or helping over honesty, which also makes me feel like this is something that they have gone through for a very long time. It sounds exhausting to me.
I liked this part. I would probably say "roll in the dirt" instead of "on". As I said before, you make a lot of statements about what you do by telling us what you are doing. Another strategy you could try in the future, if you wanted to try some other writing techniques, is working on how you can show us what is happening without saying it right away. For example, I would love to hear more about the dirt. Was it messy? Muddy? Cold? Did it stain their clothes? Did they lay down softly, or did the violently fall, in a fit of laughter, so loud you could have heard it down the street?
I like how you transition through these different things that you do. First, you are there for them, then you make them laugh, then wipe their tears, nod your head, but then, you collapse on the floor. You did a fantastic job building it up to this moment, when you are finally alone and we see what happens after they are not there.
Again, I think this part could be great with some added details with other senses, like the sight, physical feeling, mental feeling, and perhaps even smells and taste or sounds. But this part is heartbreaking. You feel like you could break so easily, after doing so much for everyone else, you can cry so easily, effortlessly. It seems like the reason your heart is breaking is not because you helped others, but because you don't get anything back. So you give all of your energy to others, only to be left broken and alone. And as you said, your heart was broken 'right from the start'.
I enjoyed the simplicity of the words, but deep meaning behind them. Overall, I loved the message and pain behind this. Thank you for sharing your poem, Jaye
Your friend,
Ellie