This was a task my Creative Writing class had to do. The topic was "First Day", and mine was the most impressive, apparently. I think the rest just wrote about someones first day at school, that was the example given. I got an a++ 
. At the bottom there were comments like
-Excellent interpretation of the theme, very outside the box
-Use of beautiful animal metaphors... unexpected and refreshing...
-I'm most impressed with the quality of the writing... development of plot... character 10/10 a++
I'm pretty proud of it. Between us (shh) everything after "With a grudge and a knife" was completely improvised... made up 10 minutes before I had to hand it up. Id love to see how insane my Cre. teacher is by finding out what you guys think.
I didn't want to come. But the guilt took control and walked me to the cemetery. I hate cemeteries, there are too many memories brought with the names on the graves. Zeke Wilson over there to my right, the boy burned in the fires. To my left is Old Alex Whitman, killed by a snake bite fifty kilometres out of town. And now, as I saw right in front of me, the grave of my husband Andrew Cirilla who was killed by a psychotic murderer with a grudge and a knife.
People were walking to the open grave like cattle herds. Their heads down and grim looks on their faces. I could hear the words of grief they chattered amongst each other. Words like "Shouldn't have been him." and "Taken too young." They all crowded around me, taking the chairs like lions taking zebra's organs. What seemed like hundreds of people were forced to their feet. They looked so uncomfortable but I'm sure I looked worse. I was looking up at everyone with wide alert eyes, like a meerkat on sentry. My hair was a mess from my nervous habit of twisting it. I hadn't washed it this morning and it felt like hay, all dry and prickly. My sister found her way over to me, and crouched at my feet. I looked at her and noticed that at least she managed to groom herself for the funeral. She smelt like bubblegum shampoo. That smell cheered me up a little.
"Are you ok?" She asked me.
I didn't answer for quite a while. the "door knob in your throat" feeling made conversation seem impossible. But eventually I swallowed some saliva, pushed my chewing gum to the side of my mouth, and I spoke.
"Yes. I'm fine."
"No you're not." My sister insisted. "You're at your husband's funeral."
The taste of spearmint from my gum was soon replaced by a bitter taste, one I couldn't describe or identify. But it was foul and it put me in a foul mood.
"Of course I'm ok." I snapped. "Today is my first day as a widow!"
My sister rolled her eyes and walked away. Then I began to cry.
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142,241 Literary Works • 677,072 Reviews
you do realise I wrote this in ten minutes under pressure... don't you?
I thought it was written quite well, but the first paragraph was a little average. I didn't like the sentence "I looked at her and noticed that at least she managed to groom herself for the funeral."
It didn't seem to fit the rest of this piece, which was short and sweet. This sentence dragged on a bit.
I liked it a lot. It was short, but sweet. I like the description of the cemetery and you seem to captured the main charactor's slightly frazzled (I love that word) state. Good Job!
The only odd thing I noticed was the sister's question. "Are you ok" seems like a really insensitive thing to say to a widow at her husband's funeral... Might just be me, but it seems like it would be taken for granted that she's not ok. Just something to think about.
Again, I loved it!
Keep up the good work!
~Azila
you know. . . I never thought of that. . .
XD Thanks for pointing that out, Kayles
This is a really good piece, but the only thing that really nagged me was the fact that the funeral is on the day following the murder - this kind of upset the realism of the piece for me. But very well written!
this isn't a cliche.
i think it was written really great as a short story.
i loved how you described how the sister's hair smelt like bubblegum, and the how you described the deaths of the people at the first part.
i agree with your teacher too
you are a good writer, and you have potential
keep up the good work!
I agree with your teacher.
Zebra's organs. : )
Thanks, but I am 14. And I never really noticed the "this morning" bit. As I said, I just wrote it on the spot then handed it up.
You are very good for your age. Your teacher was right, it is very good. The animal metaphors had me a little confused, but that could just be me. Sorry, Lily, but I disagree.
I think the "This morning," is fine. I use that kind of thing quite often. Sometimes it's the only way to get the point across. But perhaps for the voice you were going for, "That morning," would be more appropriate. It's your call. Either way it was really good. Keep writing!!
Different, this was very different. I like it!
This isn't cliche. Period.
I loved the way how the descriptions all join together to create a picture of a mass funeral.
I see you had to use all the 5 senses in your story. Yet you pulled it off well.
Congratz.
All the small details all joined together to form the climax that the character was a widow.
I have nothing else to say. Maybe add a description about yourself?
Laters.
Andy
cliched? ive never read anything like this before, which is why i wrote it. and yes, you should be sorry.
Hmmmm, not the most compelling read and kind of cliched. A nice story, but nothing special. Sorry!
so... what your saying is... my regular teacher isnt crazy...
what about the one i have on thursday? she let me spin on my chair for a whole lesson cos she thought it was how i thought. haha
I thought it got better as it went along. I loved the description of her hair feeling like hay, and the sister's hair that smelled like bubble-gum shampoo. I really liked the end, but I thought the beginning was a bit plain and typical, sort of expected, especially the part where she's talking about all the people whose graves she sees and how they died. For such a short piece, I thought it was very nicely presented.
lol yes, i agree. i didnt have a lot of time to actually think of a plot, let alone write one. Im not sure if there was supposed to be one in the task though... oh well, thanks for the comments
Well I'd suggest correcting your dialogue punctuation.
I agree with your teacher that the animal metaphors were creative, if a bit... odd.
There are a few spots where your tense is shaky:
"This morning" gives it a present tense feel, but the piece is written in past tense. "That" might be better. It's just a small detail though.
Other than that, it was quite good. I like how your descriptions are all quite everyday. There wasn't a lot of plot, but since the piece was short, I guess that's fine.
"taking the chairs like lions taking zebra's organs"
lol
lol sorry, i clicked submit instead of preview
Where's the story?