Love Letter

Hey Lucy.

My nose is pressed to the sheets and I can smell the faint trace of my father’s deodorant which suggests he has recently made my bed.

With a love letter, I don't think you should mention about the father at all. A love letter should aim to nurture the relationship between two people and to allow the author to express the intensity of his/her feelings for the other person. Mentioning the father like that seems redundant and awkward. However, if the other person knows about the father, then it's alright to talk about what the author did with his/her father (the time spent together) rather than mundane details like that (does he really need to know that he wears deodorant and has made the bed?)

In the distance, I can hear the phone ring, then a melody of voices as the phone is answered and a conversation erupts.

How is this relevant? What is this conversation about? Does it concern the other person? How?

I view the blue car and the steel fence, I smell the deodorant, I hear the conversations and I feel the cramps, all in a different way.

The way that you brought up the deodorant idea again makes it harder for this bit here to reinforce the last lines of the piece (the most vital lines in my opinion) since the deodorant is associated with the father (as you stated above), not the recipient of the letter.

Overall impressions:

It's not that bad, but there is room for improvement. I think that you should aim to involve the recipient of the letter more into the letter. Here are some suggestions:

1) I have the impression that the recipient knows the father in some way (why would you bring him up in the letter?) so why not bring up the last time that they have interacted together? You could mention what he thought of it as well as the author's feelings. You can then link this with another moment where the author spent time with his/her father. This is done to allow the author to really prove his/her love, respect and trust to the recipient of the letter. One aspect of true love is to share with one another moments in their lives (both happy and sad) to allow a better understanding of each other as a person, resulting in a stronger relationship. (If the father doesn't know the recipient that well, or vice versa, then do not mention the father in the piece at all).

2) I think there should be more subtle hints in the letter to allow the recipient to really delve between the lines to work for understanding, hence also making him more involved with your letter. Do not give the point away until the very last line. Think of it like a narrative. The purpose of a narrative is to show how the main character overcomes/confronts various obstacles to achieve the main character's purpose. Normally, it's at the end that the audience is shown the overall point of the narrative. By having subtle hints to slowly build up to the last line (overall point) "I love you", it pays tribute to the obstacles that the author has to overcome in order to get to now the recipient better and ultimately to fall in love. It proves that the author genuinely loves this guy. You could show more of the author's experiences (i.e the interactions between them in the past) to provide an overall idea as to how the author came to the idea that she loves him.

3) Are there any conflicts in the author's life that the recipient may want to know more about (or already has knowledge of and is providing comfort for?) What's with the phone call? What was that about? Can you give a little more detail?

4) Include more of the author's present experience in life (eg: What she is doing right now, what's the situation she's in, current moods/feelings etc).

I hope this helped Lucy.

Andy.

Loose wrote:For *privacy (you spelled privacy wrong^^) reasons, I have taken the name out, but this is a love letter I just wrote to someone I really care about. The reason it's posted here? I swear to you it's the most disgusting thing I have ever written! I really think it needs a ton of work, so please point out where I can fix it before I send it them! Please and thank you!

Dear (Insert name here),

I am lying here now on my bed in my father’s house, my cheek pressed comfortably against the plush purple blanket. My nose is pressed to the sheets and I can smell the faint trace of my father’s deoderant which suggests he has recently made my bed.

In the distance, I can hear the phone ring, then a melody of voices as the phone is answered and a conversation erupts. <----<< I like how you use "erupts" , it's an imagery word.

My wrist cramps slightly under the weight of the pencil I use to write this, made heavy by the ugly blue eraser sitting on the pencil’s tip. Yet I refuse to take the eraser off should I make an error in this spontaneous literary escapade of which I write to you. (I like the word escapade here, it fits.)

My eyes barely focus on the words I scrawl, only assuming I’m not making an utter mess of the page. They’re too busy studying the view outside my window. Not a particularly special view; the side of the neighbour’s house, a galvanised steel fence, a navy blue four wheel drive, all laid out on top of a carpet of brick pavement.

I lay here, my senses underwhelmed with the bland monotony of nothingness. Yet there is something remarkably spectacular about every little detail. I view the blue car and the steel fence, I smell the deoderant, I hear the conversations and I feel the cramps, all in a different way. Now, there is love in my heart and happiness in my soul. Each moment in my life has become special and magnificant ever since you came into my life.

(Insert Name here), I love you.

I really like this piece, even if it is pretty general. It's basic, simple yet with it's own meaning. There's special parts here that make this piece enjoyable. I like the honesty of this letter, and how you leave the reader wondering what all these random pieces have to do with eachother.

I would consider renaming this because it's not really your average love letter. It's more of how someone you loved made every detail of your life special and magnificent.

It's a little bland, but the original bits and pieces make it nice to read.
Overall, good piece.

rating: 7.5/10^^

[/size/
[size=20]<3 Namine