I know I promised myself to start a romantic/dramatic fiction story (other than DD) NEXT year, but I was just browsing through YWS forums when inspiration hit me like a sandbag over my head. It's still just a work in progress, so it's flimsy and fragile, but I will work on it in 2008!
ONE
It was the day before summer holidays began. Mr Groat was throwing a Christmas party for his year 10 drama students. There were only a handful of boys and girls in the hall, helping themselves to party snacks and cakes, wearing party crowns on their head, but it was still an enjoyable event. He played some music, and began to dance embarrassingly, so he could hear the girls he had come to love like daughters screech insults at him.
"Whoo! Go Grandpa!" One of the girls, Michelle, screamed. Mr Groat took this sarcasm as encouragement and continued his bum-dance. The hall was filled with laughter.
But there was one boy who did not join in the celebrations of a year well-done. He sat on a table, staring at his shoelaces. Michelle noticed this.
The boy was Eric. A sporty, sixteen year old with luscious curls that bounced when he walked. Eric was a boy Michelle had known since primary school, one she had grown to love, and not just as friends.
Michelle, concerned with the well-being of her crush, decided to walk up to him and try to get him to join in the festivities.
She slid on the table, so she was sitting next to him.
"Hey," she said. He gave a lifeless nod in response.
"How come you aren't out there, shaking your booty like Mr Groat?" she teased.
Eric looked over at the party, as though it was the first time he had seen what was going on.
"Things on my mind." he replied.
"Oh. Like what?" Michelle hoped it was something to do with her, some romantic ache he felt inside of him that could only be relieved by a passionate kiss right there, on the table in the hall.
But it turned out to be something else. Something worse, in her opinion.
"Promise not to tell?" Eric looked up at Michelle, his eyes gleaming with the hope of being able to confide in someone.
"Promise." Michelle said. "Vacation Care honour."
Eric snorted. They had met at Vacation Care, before discovering they attended the same primary school. Their cliques had formed a loyalty meets pirate club, with the "Vacation Care honour" slogan.
"Well," he began. "I went out with this girl, Holly. And we broke up recently. Then she decided to tell me she was pregnant, and keeping the baby. I have no idea what to do."
"Do you love her?"
"No, not anymore."
"Well, you should stay in the baby's life at least. It's the noble and honest thing to do."
Eric looked up at Michelle. She seemed to have this idealistic view of him being a knight in shining armour who always wanted to do the right thing. He saw himself in a much different way. He was a sleaze, who went around having unsafe sex with girls, spreading STIs and he had now impregnated one of his lovers. He was not loyal, selfish and slightly obnoxious. But Michelle didn't seem to think so. Eric found this refreshing.
"And that's why I adore you." He said, as he wrapped an arm around Michelle.
Butterflies rushed through her stomach. This was a close as she had ever gotten with one of her crushes, and for the first time, she actually felt the possibility of their friendship forming into a relationship.
End of chapter
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142,247 Literary Works • 677,082 Reviews
Hey Lucy!
I know someone with those! lol
This wasn't too bad. You have the potential for a good storyline, but there are a few things I'd like to point out.
First off, your characters were kind of dry. I got the impression that Michelle was this "Oh, look at me! Eric, come to me! I love you!" type of girl--kind of overdramatic. She just seemed infatuated with Eric's looks and not at all with his personality, which is essential for a romance. Eric wasn't a guy I'd fall in love with, though I did like how you described his luscious curls.
Secondly, the story felt rushed. It seemed like I was on a two-dimensional plane looking at a cartoon being played out in words. Add some description, some emotion, even actions. Actions are often really good for portraying emotion. Perhaps you could delve into Michelle's inner thoughts as she's walking toward Eric?
Thirdly, you did a lot of telling instead of showing. Instead of saying "he was a sleaze," SHOW how he thinks he's a sleaze, whether it's by his inner thoughts, some dialogue, or even a flashback to something he did that would represent that part of his personality.
When I was reading this, I felt detached from the whole scene. I like when I'm able to feel I'm there. It was like I was seeing something on a stage that was poor acting. I'm not saying you're a bad writer--you just gotta tweak some things, that's all.
Good job on this, and I'd love to see more of the story soon! If you have any questions, just pm me.
Wiggy
I really liked it and thought it was very good. I like those kind of storys I mean like about real life stuff. I think you are have good at writing.
Hey.
How've you been?
Anyway, good start.
"Hey." she said.
You need a comma after Hey, not a full stop.
Eric gave a snort resembling laugh
That sounds strange. Maybe "a snort resembling a laugh," or "a snort that resembled a laugh." They're both bad, but they sound a bit less awkward, I think.
And we broke up recently.
The dialogue there doesn't sound quite right. You could say, "a while ago," or "not long ago."
spreading STIs and he had now impregnated one.
You might need to re-word that sentence. Right now, he's impregnating an STI.
The story was good. I'm interested to see where it goes. Everything I said's a bit nit picky, so it's your choice if you take my advice.
-Mat