English Homework.
John.
A draft wafted through the hall, offering the illusion that the house was empty. John knew better. Small, salty drops rolled carelessly down his red cheeks. His chest expanded and contracted at a remarkable pace. Dirt rained on the spongy green carpet from the valleys of the football boots that he held in his sweaty palm by their exhausted laces. A pounding, like the impossible beat of heavy metal, played from within his slim build.
Looming aggressively above John was a brick of a man. His skin was reddened by hours of toil beneath the sun. Small red worms crept their way across his eyes, worsening with each slow slug on the neck of a beer bottle. A bottle of which dangled from a hand toughened by time and scarred with scabs from violent outbursts. The bottle of beer was perspiring in the disguised Autumn warmth, as John was sure he was.
The bittersweet taste of beer swirled lavishly around John's father's mouth. Although he enjoyed the beverage, his dark, brooding face showed no trace of positive emotion. Only rage and disappointment. John knew what was coming. Extensive, painful laps of the football field wasn't the only cause for his gasping breath.
John wanted to disappear. Run away, shrink, melt; any would do. The dread of knowing he was not about to be rewarded by his father filled his frame. It replaced his blood, and was pressured to every fibre of his being. He just wanted to run away...
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142,247 Literary Works • 677,082 Reviews
I can only echo what everyone else said, really, in saying that you managed to pack a lot of emotion into quite a compact piece. Your descriptions are great, but that's no surprise.
Small, salty drops rolled carelessly down his red cheeks.
Sweat or tears? Or maybe it isn't significant. xD
The only part that seemed a little awkward was here:
worsening with each slow slug on the neck of a beer bottle. A bottle of which dangled from a hand toughened by time and scarred with scabs from violent outbursts. The bottle of beer was perspiring
I think you overused the word "bottle" there, but it's not really a huge problem. Most people will probably overlook that; I'm just extremely nit-picky. Overall, good job. You doen this well, even without dialogue.
I really enjoyed reading this. For such a small passage, it as a big impact. i don't know what that means, but great description! Keep writing.
This is really good! The descriptions are quite vivid and the writing is effectively emotional without overdoing it. Congratulations!
I don't think "build" works here.Just a few little suggestions...
Love this description here! But you do repeat "red"...
I'm not sure I liked the use of "frame" here... maybe replace this one with "chest" too?
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Another thing I didn't understand is when you say "A draft wafted through the hall, offering the illusion that the house was empty. John knew better." that makes it sound like there's someone HIDING in the house... then you say that there's a huge man in front of him...
Overall, very nice description!
Hope this helps!
~Azila~
I thought it was great. you can describe things really well to build up a clear image in the reader's mind.
I couldn't find anything you could improve.
good work