Double Dad fans, Corrie is getting a make over. This is told through Claudette's point of view and is a follow up of chapter one.
ALL critiques welcome.
TWO
A small trickle of water fell from the gutter along my roof and made a silver trail to the cement below. I was watching this from the kitchen window, as I hunched over the sink and washed the endless amount of cups and plates that I had managed to dirty in a single day. The sky was darkened with heavy rain clouds that, like pregnant women, dropped their weight to the earth with relief. Relief to them, relief to us. Rain like that was a God-sent, as this drought was harsh and on-going. I closed my eyes, praying that there would be enough rain to break the drought and end the water restrictions. They were so strict my roses were left to shrivel and wilt, while I just had to watch the soul drain out of their once bright petals. That distressed me greatly. I had once been so proud of that garden but now I cringed whenever passers-by looked onto in. I was ashamed, because there was nothing beautiful about it.
An insignificant peep snapped my attention back to reality. I spun around, expecting to see a hungry, grieving niece but instead I saw a rugged tabby cat.
"Goo Goo," I called out to him, smiling. He looked up with his big green eyes and mewed. His orange fur was matted and clingy from the water outside, and he stopped in his tracks to try to lick it all off. I watched him for a while before returning to my dishes. From the pit of bubbly warm water, I lifted out a white china mug with a golden rim. It was the one I had offered to Corrie with the tea in it. I rinsed it a few times, recalling the incident. She did not want to open up to me. I couldn't understand why. I had been nothing but kind to her; I allowed her into my home, treated her like a daughter. She ignored it all, however, and continued to be her freaky self.
Frustrated, I finished the dishes and allowed the gunky water to rush down the drain. I flopped down at my dining table and stole a biscuit from the cute, cat shaped cookie jar. Small flax lumps sprinkled the table-top underneath my nibbling mouth. I swept them off with the back of my hand and they fell silently to the floor. With the cookie consumed, I licked the remaining sugar off of my fingers, one by one. I sighed, and looked around the room, trying to distract myself from taking another biscuit.
A rustle from the other room provided a decent distraction. Curiosity led me to walk over to where it had come from; the guest room Corrie was staying in. I looked through the gap in the door and saw her slipping something into a black leather bag. On further inspection, I noticed it was a purse. Corrie slipped her feet into a pair of black flats and walked towards the door. I dashed a few metres down the hallway so Corrie wouldn't know I was spying on her. I tried to make it look like I was walking up the hall from my bedroom. Shutting the door behind her, Corrie walked out into the hall. She noticed me walking and looked stunned, like she didn't expect me to be there. Her eyes grew wide as though I had caught her doing cocaine, and her mouth fell into an "o" shape.
"Aunt Claudette," she stammered. "I was, uh, just about to go for a walk."
"Oh really?" I asked, faking an interest. "A walk to where?"
She paused for a moment, pondering whether or not to tell me.
"Just, where ever my feet take me," she turned on her heels and walked out of the front door.
I stared at the back of her for a while, wondering why she had chosen not to tell me. When she was gone, I migrated into the kitchen, thankful that I had never had children myself.
End of chapter
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142,241 Literary Works • 677,072 Reviews
Hey there Lucy. Well I did promised to get around to doing this. So here we go.
It's nice imagery and all, but could she actually see what's happening in the gutter along the roof if she is only standing in the kitchen? It just seems kinda omniscient if you know what I mean, and doesn't go along well with a piece like this..
Interesting.
I'm not entirely a fan of "stole" since the cookie jar belonged to the protagonist in the first place anyways.
Good dialogue.
Overall impressions:
I like this. It's a simple, yet sincere and quite an honest read. It's not like overly emotional or dramatic, it's just right. The piece also flowed quite well from the way you worded the sentences as well as the simplicity of your imagery, but it does capture the mood and setting quite well.
Character development is decent; I quite liked the rain/garden link to show some of her character. However, I think there should had been more exploration as to how life is without having real children to look after. I would also like to see some explanation as to her motivations and reasons that she decided to not raise children. This was also why I felt your last sentence didn't had the impact to make the reader go "whoa". ( I think that I might have to read the 1st one to maybe see that. Guess it's my fault then for not looking at that first).
Overall, good job.
- Lovely start here.
- This is too long. I think you can have the sentence end at “window” then a new one start with something like “my back ached as I hunched...”
- “Like pregnant women” – Lovely. Just, really, as description I love it.
- The repetition here works surprisingly well.
- I think a description of the puddles that cat would have made, or the drip of the water of its back would be nice.
- Ne, cute description, and I can see it.
- Oh this is done so well. I can totally see this happening.
- How did you inspect it further if it’s in the leather bag?
- The repetition of “Corrie” grates here. “she” would work for the second.
- I love that “doing cocaine”... I think that “her mouth dropped” may work better than the “o” – it just seems slightly more serious. Either one would work though.
- Nicely done.
- Hehe, I hear that.
Sugar! This is great, and I can’t wait for more. I think that you do description so well. This lovely mix that creates just enough for someone to sink their teeth into. Lovely work. I really do look forward to more.
*Hearts* Le Penguin.
Hiya! I just read part 1 and I loved it to bits. Let's see if you can keep uup the impression.
Replace 'to' with 'along' so it makes sense
Guh! Horribly long, and no commas?! I would rephrase it like so:
"I closed my eyes, praying that there would be enough rain to break the drought and end the water restrictions. They were so strict my roses were left to shrivel and wilt, while I just had to watch the soul drain out of their once bright petals."
I reckon it flows a lot better.
Did you mean 'it'?
Lowercase 'g' on the second 'Goo'.
____
I saw no other problems in terms of grammar here, so great job there! I loved the characters development, and as always, excellent writing style.
And I can I just say...
Excellent
Loved it! Keep writing!
~Mark~
What I liked most about this was the descriptions. You do need some spacing after the people speak, though. Pretty good addition. But I feel like we still don't really KNOW Corrie. Hopefully you'll write more and we soon will.
Hey, Luc. It's good to see you came back to this. Persistence is always good. xD
I'll get right into the crit, because I know how impatient you are.
*send, I believe
That sentence might work better if you split it in two.
It's entirely possible that I'm completely wrong here, but the last part of the line sounds a little out of character with what we've seen of Claudette so far. Of course, she could prove me wrong.
I would cut "silently there. I wouldn't expect the crumbs to fall noisily.
You don't need that comma.
Okay, that's all I found. This chapter was interesting, and as usual, you're the master of keeping the reader wanting more. I want to know where Corrie's going. So hurry up and post the next chapter.
-Mat
a gr8 story, keepup the good work..