Darling, tell me,
will you love me if I stop looking at the sky?
If so, then take my vision—
I do not want it anymore.
Darling, tell me,
will you love me if I stop talking to the moon?
If so, then take my voice,
or take my throat itself—I do not need it anymore.
Darling, tell me,
will you love me if I stop listening to the birds chirp?
If so, then take my hearing—
I do not deserve it anymore.
Darling, tell me,
will you love me if I stop living in this world? If so..
Then take my bloody life, please.
I do not plead to live if you will only love me when I no longer exist.
I promise you,
I will love you just as much even when I am dead to the world...
but will you?
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142,254 Literary Works • 677,090 Reviews
Do you all think will he?
Perfect way to start a poem.
Perfection. This whole piece is perfect.
I love this.
Wonderful for a hopeless romantic. These are my thoughts exactly.
I love how you put Darling.
I can imagine the birds chirping and the love in the words.
This feels so real and its something I ask myself every day.
I think that this is my favorite quote.
And that stab. The wound.
Ending with the question and doubt is a stab to the reader because they want them to love you. To promise you.
~ Jaye.
This reminds me a lot of the song coles response by yaelokre, which is really awesome. This is such a tragic thing as well, giving up yourself for the sake of others, and as clarified at the end, people who do not truly care for you. It's a lot like pretending to be someone else for them. To take parts of you is to prove that it is not love. But there is also so many ways to interpret this differently. Thinking further on this, love is nothing if not for the whole.
AJ's back for a review!
Oh wow. Allowing yourself to be changed by the person you love. Changing into what they want. Going through each of the senses for this is such a good choice.
The narrator doesn't want their vision anymore, because they can't look at the sky anymore.
If they can't talk anymore then they don't need their throat. I do think it's a little odd that you have two examples here instead of just the one.
Wow. They don't deserve it anymore. This is a change from the typical in this stanza and I think it mostly works. Saying that the narrator doesn't deserve their hearing anymore almost signals a change in them. They've become so different for this person that they believe that they have to change for them.
Okay, so I'm American, unfortunately, so this line "Then take my bloody life, please" sounds weird to me. If you mean it as someone who's British does, then it works. But if you mean it literally, then it feels really weird.
I think the line breaks in the last half also get a little weird. I'd change it so it's like this.
"I promise you, I will love you just as much
Even when I am dead to the world.
But will you?"
Overall, I really like what this is conveying. It just has a few small things in the last half that make it weird.
Keep living and writing!
AJ