If you don't touch me, then I'll become the freezing wind that falls upon your skin until you reach for me.
If you don't look at me, then I'll become the dark clouds that block the sun until your eyes meet mine.
If you don't love me back, then I'll become the devil that haunts your dreams until you whisper that you love me.
If you don't need me, then I'll become the air that refuses to enter your lungs until you say you need me.
If you say you hate me, then I'll take your life with me.
But please, don't think I'm cruel.
Darling, I'm just begging for your love, aren't I?
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
142,604 Literary Works • 679,109 Reviews
There is a quiet, haunting weight to the way this piece moves. What I love most is how you didn't just tell a story or paint a picture—you created an entire atmosphere that lingers long after reaching the final line. That transition around the middle stanza felt like a sudden shift in the weather; intimate, sharp, and deeply human. Lines like the ones describing [insert a favorite line or image here] hit with a rare kind of sincerity. It’s rare to read something that feels both deeply personal to the writer and yet completely universal to whoever happens to stumble across it. Thank you for sharing a piece of your mind and heart like this
Tq am glad you reviewed properly i said you before about this its review spam
Woah. Deep but scary! Well made and quite good. keep going! You are a really good poet i think this is one of your best works i have read so far. 10/10
Hello, Noirmont here to review.
The concept of getting revenge on someone who has wronged you is one that I think we live to pontificate about quite a bit as humans; many a time have I gone on and on to my friends about the fictitious havoc I want to wreak on someone who's hurt one of them. Eventually, we cool off (I would hope!), but generally I personally believe it isn't the best way to understand the hurt that you're experiencing -- particularly when said friends hype up your evil plans, lol. Even if there's no truth to it, I think it's not conducive to navigate your emotions. I dunno. My point...! I think you've found a very productive way to work through those feelings through getting them down with words. Propelling that frustration into creative energy is great, and I applaud you for it!
You've got some nice imagery here. The nature elements are effective in illustrating the drama of your feelings. I will say that I'm interested in seeing your metaphors come together with a bit more cohesion. You go from nature, to the devil, then back to nature (I'm assuming, with air) and I think perhaps you could flip the order to have the devil last for that extra punch into a haunting last stanza.
I want to note as well that I think the last line is great. It offers some sweetness after a brigade of threats, which gives it a bit of a creepy quality that aligns with the preceding tone. It's well done! I enjoyed reading your work very much and and looking forward to whatever's next, Moon!